Life After

So, Here is my Christmas Update… It was hard! Those are the simplest 3 words I can come up with to explain the 4 days off from work. I don’t think it was hard for anyone else, but it sure was for me. My sister & her family were in for a few days. We celebrated Christmas with MY side of the family on the 23 rd . My sister brought me 2 beautiful candles for Ian & Owen (she had read my blog). I mentioned briefly to Cris that I was up in the air about going to the graveside over the Holiday weekend. I was THAT awful mother, that did not go. I am sure I’m probably the only person in the WORLD that did not go visit their child(ren)’s grave on Christmas weekend. But, I couldn’t. I can’t explain why, but I just could NOT go. I don’t know if I am afraid that I won’t be able to remain strong from the second I cross over the line into the cemetery or if I am afraid of feeling nothing at all. Some days, that’s how I feel. I feel NOTHING. I refuse to let myself get to t...

Ian & Owen, Christmas is coming quickly. You are there celebrating with the Lord-as we are to be celebrating here on earth.   As your mom, I need to tell you the true meaning of Christmas, but I assume you already KNOW the true meaning since you are with the Lord now. I am sure that the way you are celebrating is the way that we are INTENDED to celebrate here on earth.   This Christmas was to be the craziest one yet-You two would be about 2 months old if you were born near your due date into this world. Christmas with twin 2 month olds, a 6 year old and a 10 year old…that’s insane! We were putting up the decorations the other day, as I know you saw. I stopped when I got to your stockings.   I had already picked yours out. They didn’t have your names yet because we had not named you when you decided to be born!   I think about you every single day. The closer we get to Christmas, the harder it is for me to talk to you, sadly. I can feel you with me an...

I don't know why it's gotten so hard for me to go by the grave. I drove right past the road tonight but I could not make myself turn into the memorial park. I went that direction on purpose, to stop & spend some time with Ian and Owen. But, I couldn't. I have played over and over in my mind the things I want to say to them. I had all intensions to take CHristmas colored flowers to them. Isaac wrote a letter that I've been meaning to go read to them but I just can't. Cris keeps asking me if I am ok-People at work keep asking-All I can say is Yes- I can't even explain anymore HOW I feel. I feel lost & empty. Christmas Eve will be 6 months since our lives flipped upside down. Christmas Eve is the time to share with friends & family & celebrate the BIRTH of Jesus Christ-yet I will be focused on the DEATH of my sons. I posted on facebook earlier, an insert from one of my devotions in the last week. I am not good with keeping up with devotions. I ...

I had the worst, most aweful yet wonderful dream last night. It was the most wonderful dream because it was about my boys. I was able to see their faces as infants and I felt them in my arms and I got to see their tiny toes. It was the worst most aweful dream, for all of those same reasons. It reminded me as I woke up that I was doing just that....Waking up from a DREAM. It reminded me of the empty, lonely, horrible feeling that they were once here and now they aren't. I thought I was doing ok during this holiday season, but it's proving to be really difficult. So many things to concentrate on & so many things to occupy my time. However, each of those things are just plain HARD to do. My heart isn't in any of them. It was a rough morning this morning because I woke up from my dream and it was so fresh on my mind. I don't even remember what the dream was ABOUT other than I had the boys and it was their 1st Christmas. I saw the house all finished, their nursery comp...

Today was a BIG day in the "life after" pregnany. I've been anticipating the "get to the 2nd appt" day. TOday was it. Today we went to our 10 week 3 day appt to find out we are 11 weeks =) That was so exciting for me b/c it meant 4 days less that I have to worry and 1 week closer to the 2nd trimester! I was RELIEVED to say the least to hear that heartbeat and see my little one bouncing all over the place. I was THANKFUL to be watching him/her squirming all over the place. It made me feel a little more "settled" in this pregnancy. Ian & Owen are on the front of my brain these days (not like they aren't every other day) I'm watching all of these moms buying Christmas gifts for their new born babies and I miss the fact that this should be Me & Cris. Although the twins would only be about 6-9 weeks right now and Christmas shopping would be stressful to say the LEAST, it was something i was so excitd about. Seeing our mantel FULL of stock...

This blog is long overdue- Most of you know, I am boycotting the Holiday this year. Well, not really, but I’d REALLY like to. If it weren’t for Isaac & Caleb, I can pretty much guarantee this Holiday would be non-existent in my house. I realize Christmas is about a celebration of our Lord. But Christmas is also about a feeling. Christmas revolves around family, food, and a feeling. At least in my life it’s always been those things! Yes, we have always celebrated the birth of Jesus in our family/home. But my point to this blog is about the Christmas FEELING. This year, I am not FEELING Christmas. I think so much has to do with the emotions and changes we’ve experienced in the last 12-48 months. Most recently, Cris ad I took a trip to Richmond to get our house there back in a condition to sell. We have had a renter for the last 12 months that moved @ the start of December. We also took it off the market and re listed it with another agent. That agent was getting to know ...

I said I was going to change the dynamic of the blog a little bit to now focus on what it's like to have a rainbow pregnancy. The words haven't come very easily as the last few weeks, I have definately struggled with juggling this news and continuing to grieve. When it's your 1st pregnancy-you constantly worry about everything going on in and outside of your body. You worry about the things you're feeling, the way your energy, your body, your mind and everyting around you changes. If you're fortunate to have multiple pregnancies, they ALL come with their own sets of concerns but mostly they are the most joyous occassions of our lives. However, if you have 2 normal pregnancies, and you were given two wonderfully healthy boys and then you had a THIRD healthy pregnancy that resulted in 2 more beautiful boy and it was taken from you-the 4th pregnancy makes it REALLY REALLY scary! By Scary, I mean, every second of everyday I think about NOTHING but how this is go...

SO, I made it one WHOLE week with no tears! I am proud of myself. So much of that could be because we literally did Disney up one side and down the other with NO breaks except getting to bed around 10-12 everynight & up & at it by 7 (mostly this was the LATE TIME) everyday! That does NOT mean that Ian & Owen were not on my mind every single day all day long! Caleb was a little bit of a handful this week-but I honestly expected it because it was a 13 hour drive (broken into 2 days) after a lot of anticipation & a LONG week @ school. He did great on the car ride-but if we had to wait at ALL in the parks, it was torture with him most of the time. Isaac did good-loved all of the roller coasters (kid after my own heart) and rode them all with his grandud-which made it even more fun for him-and I think a little for grandud too! As I mentioned in a post earlier in the week-there were a lot of twins in the parks. Of course, Ian & Owen were with me the entire time bec...

We've been saying for the last 2 years "We need to get to Disney while the kids are good ages". But of course, sports, money, life, jobs & so many other things just kept popping up making it a "maybe someday"  kind of priority. Then, on June 24th, when we lost the twins, one of the 1st things we thought of in the coming weeks was "well, now is as good of a time as any". So, in November Thanksgiving week of 2011-we are in Disney. It's bittersweet sort of. We normally wouldn't be here, had it not been for the life changing event of losing Ian & Owen. That was our deciding factor. We NEEDED a break from life. We NEEDED some time to regroup. We NEEDED to leave home for a little while and have something/anything to concentrate on that did NOT revolve around all of the stresses in our current life. I've not given myself the chance in the last 5 days to dwell on all that's going on @ home. But, as the week is coming to an abrupt close ...

I can't begin to tell you how many sets of twins there are in the world-but for blogging purposes, let's say about 700 million-Guess where they all are this week??? YOu guessed it-DISNEY! I've seen SO MANY twins & triplets over the past 2 days. Apparently, I am more sensitive to the surroundings of twins also. I've also seen SEVERAL sets of multiples in "thing 1 & Think 2" shirts-in one case today @ Animal Kingdom, there was even a "thing 3".  We were in Rainforest Cafe tonight in the giftshop after dinne & were looking at the keychains with names on them. Isaac was looking for one for him...Ian was the only "I" name they had! =/ On the Dinasour ride (much like Dumbo, but with dinasours instead) Caleb leaned over & asked me a question about any future babies we "grow" being named Ian or Owen like his brothers. It's been an exhausting & exhilerating 2 1/2days @ Disney-we've got 3 or so more to...

This week is a little bittersweet & emotional for me. I took a bus shopping trip with mom this weekend. We had such a great time. It was a very long  & exhausting trip, but we really enjoyed some mother/daughter no kids time! Now we are home and I am packing for Disney-a trip that is so exciting, yet so sad @ the same time. If this year had played out like it was supossed to, I wouldn't be going to disney because I would have newborns @ home. We had talked about & started planning for disney @ the begining of 2011 but stopped planning when we found out we were expecting. Now that Ian & Owen have been born & passed away, we re-planned disney and are headed there in less than 2 days. I am SO EXCITED, but I am also so sad because part of me wants to be home with my new born babies. There has been a lot of stuff going on in our lives lately, and I've taken a break from writing to clear my head & get things straight. I am super exciting to go upstairs...

Fruits of the spirit include Love, Joy, Peace & Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control. For some reason today-these words have been on the very forefront of my brain. This could be because of Ian & Owen. It could be because of our “Richmond” house & it could be because of all of the things swirling around me as I stand still and watch so many different things come crashing to my feet. Biblically speaking, we all know what these fruits of the spirit are designed to be used for. They are the “guidelines” for our Christian lives. While I still believe these are good outlines and rules for how we should live our lives and how our behavior should reflect these attributes, some of them have taken on new meaning for me in the past 6 months. Well, probably in the last 4 years, but more specifically in the last 6 months. Peace-There is a HUGE word that hasn’t been used in my vocabulary in a very positive way lately. I am at PEACE wi...

I've posted this before but... "Some people only dream of angels, I got to hold two". On the eve of the day my sweet boys were set to be born, I find myself sitting here with nothing really to say. I feel so guilty that part of me has been so distracted the last few days with some stresses happening in our life that I haven't really given myself the opportunity to accept what tomorrow is. There is another part of me that says that it doesn't really matter because it is just their "due date" and we all know that children, especially twins are typically both before their due date. So, while the date is just a day on the calendar-it marks someting "real" for me, but it also makes a void for me because their actual birthday is June 24th. Which unfortunately, is also their death date. I'd love to say that I will wake up tomorrow and it will be just another day like the last 130+ days has been. But we all know it won't be. This day symb...

We are 3 days away from original "eviction date". The twins Due date is Wednesday-the 9th. I can tell you right now, I'd like to take every calendar I can get my hands on & mark Wednesday completely off the calendar. But seeing how that's not an option, I've got a few days to figure out how I am going to deal with the day. I have to work. I guess I COULD take the day off, but I don't see what this will help. My mind will be solely focused on Ian & Owen the entire day no matter if I am @ my desk distracted or doing anything else distracted. There are lots of other "things" going on in my life right now. Many of which revolve around the kids & thinks going on in their lives. Daily, we struggle with Caleb being so much younger than his peers & the problems that come along with that in the learning process. We daily discuss with Isaac the importance of being a normal person in society. One that is caring, hardworking, honest &...

So this was my day & that's really all I have the emotional energy to say tonight....

So, my thoughts are all over the place right now.... Yesterday was a hard day. It started out OK, but by the end of the day, as it really sank in that this Halloween was going to be a very special one, my emotions started their roller coaster ride. On the ride home, I realized that THIS was the halloween I should be @ home dressing my "thing 1 and thing 2" in their newborn halloween costumes & taking pictures of 4 wonderful boys that God had entrusted me with. It was hard for me to realize that MORE THAN LIKELY the twins would be here by now, and we'd be newly home, trying to get into the routine. I'd be mentially, physically & emotionally exhausted but would love every second of this halloween. I quickly realized, this wasn't what this Halloween was going to be, and I felt sick to my stomach, literally. This morning, I was still on the fence with "about to crack, or holding it all together". I did good until the marker people called & to...

I'm learning everyday how to use my "sensor" when it comes to blurting out how I feel. Well, I say I am learning how to use it, but somedays it seems that I can't FIND the sensor. I am more or less in this blog expressing MY feelings like I always I do....Pretty uncensored for the most part-so if you're not interested in a little negative irritation-please cease reading! =) I had every reason to have a fantastic weekend-and really, I did have a great one for the most part. We started out working the fall festival @ the boys school which wound up being a HUGE success-more so than I expected. Cris and I put a lot of work into our part of it that I commited to. We had great family helping with the kids, mom came & participated in the festivities by running a booth for Thirty One-my childhood friend came & ran a booth too and I got to spend all day with Cris, doing stuff for the kids. Birthday parties and then off to a "date night" to celebrate my ...

Several Subjects #1 Apparently things haven't changed in 10 years since highschool. More people did NOT attend from our class than those that DID attend. Those that didn't go that I've talked to-basically solidified the same reasons I did not go. #2-I have a sick child-Nothing sucks more in the middle of the weak than a kid that is sick-Especially when there is absolutely nothing you can do & you feel already volnuerable to every single sneeze, cough or sniffle after being through what I've been through #3-on a slightly fun note-I am getting very excited about Disney #4 and on a back to the "stress" of my daily life conversation-yesterday was 4 months since Ian & Owen were born. Four VERY long, horrible months. No one can ever understand the emptiness I feel every single day. No one else carried them, learned their routines, learned their likes and dislikes and learned everything about them that I did in 5 months. I know you're probably thi...

**warning-lots of bitterness** So, tonight is our 10 year high school reunion..Guess who isn't there?? Originally, we decided not to go because the twins were due just a few weeks after the reunion so we knew with twins, they would be early (not QUIT as early as they chose to come) but we knew that we would not feel up to being social if they were already here or just about here. How sad it is that after the twins were born, we still felt that we wouldn't feel like being social yet? I had no desire to spend an uncomfortable evening around people that KNOW about the twins and stumbled over their words as they TRIED to talk to us. I also had no desire to spend the evening around people that know about thw twins but simply don't care. There were only a handful of people that we graduated with that I actually knew well enough to call friends and I still talk to those people-no need to go to a reunion to see other parts of the graduating class I didn't really know. Much ...

I haven't been to the graveside in a week..... I think I am back in the numb stage. I can go through my daily routine and function on a pretty basic level I think. Others around me MAY not agree. =) Tomorrow night is our 10 year high school reunion. We aren't going. We weren't planning on going because I was due so close to time that we didn't want to pay $100 for the tickets and not go. But now that we've burried our children, I have even LESS desire to go. So many people that we graduated with are starting their families now or are currently awaiting their 1st child. As much as I TRY to be selfless....I can't. I am super excited for ALL of them & the excitement they are all experiencing, but I don't feel like being happy. I don't feel like I can be THAT friend. I heard a story today about a girl we went to school with-and some problems she has with her 3rd son. I feel so heartbroken for she & her husband and all THREE of their children. I h...

Just a little note-Things haven't really changed or progressed in any way over the past couple of days. Cris and I are both kind of on auto pilot-We  are consumedwith helping Ms. Jasmine get back to health and concentrating on our upcoming trip to Disney. We've not slowed down enough to even put 3 weeks worth of laundry away. It's sad that instead of putting it away-we just pile it up & wear it from the piles of clean clothes-hanging stuff up is over-rated, right? We've gotten terrible about really CLEANING right now-I mean, our house is clean, but It's more "spot" cleaning-that's all we have time for. I mopped the kitchen the other day-but it needs it again already-I vacuum every OTHER day b/c of the dog hair-but usually during the work week-wherever things get set down, is where they stay. Those that know me, know I normally can't stand that-but over the years/months recently-I've stopped caring so much about the "stuff".  I d...

I guess I took another break from writing for a few days. The blog has felt a little less “important” to me over the last week or so because we’ve been so busy with SO many different things. To start on a good note-Isaac’s soccer team went to a tournament this weekend and was undefeated, placing 1 st in the tourney. Such a proud mommy weekend-even though I did have to yell to him a few times to act like he wanted to play! He’s such a great soccer player-and our expectations of him on and off the field have always been so high-but he never disappoints us! He’s such a spectacular kid-so good @ sports, good in school and a great friend to others. Caleb is the polar opposite of Isaac in personality-and is a little more like me. Caleb is great @ sports too because he can’t stand/sit still so he’s constantly moving on the field (This was not like me). But, he has a inability to keep his attention focused for more than 5 seconds in class b/c once you’ve heard it once, you got it-and want to...

Well... I had great intentions today for remembrance day....I bought balloons to blow up & release tonight in honor of Ian & Owen, and I made plans to go visit the graveside for awhile. I also made plans to light 2 candles in their honor tonight. Guess what...I couldn't do any of it. I wore my "mommy of angels" bracelet and my "mommy of twin angels" t-shirt today-but I could not bring myself to do the other tasks. Most of you know, we got a new puppy last night that we will be fostering until she's in adoptable health and can go to a good home. I thought for SURE this would be an easy transition. It hasn't been. Jasmine is in a little more rough of a shape as expected. She is such a wonderful dog, but subconsiously...I feel like it's really hard to "take care of" another person/human/animal-because I just do'nt feel that I am capable. She's a wonderful puppy and we're loving her-and she's going to make a great ...

So, I made it through the day....I know many of you were wondering.... Well, I made it to 8:08pm anyway! I have to say-some of tonights distraction actually makes me laugh the more I think about it-because i discovered in a conversation with my 9 year old that "mega" is a word that is back in the vocabulary for 9 year olds. I also discovered that (try and keep up, it gets confusing) Isaacs OLD girlfriend and Isaacs BEST friend were going out-and Isaac started liking someone new. He told another friend he likes this new girl, and his friend blabbed to everyone. Isaac wasn't mad though. Everyone wound up telling this new girl-and she's very shy, so I don't know how she feels about this news. The best friend is OK with Isaac liking said NEW girl (because he used to go out w/ the new girl, but now goes out w/ the old girl). BUT, now the new girl broke up w/ the best friend b/c she likes Isaac again. I told you-try to keep up. Now, imagine this ALL IN ONE BREATH! Th...

So, tomorrow is the 13th-the day that I thought I was going to deliver. I would be 36 weeks today...which is a huge milestone with twins. I said if i make it to 36 weeks, i'd be satisfied if they came early. The date I dreamt about the entire first 20 weeks of the pregnancy was Oct 13th. Naturally, tomorrow is going to suck! Not that every other day doesn't suck-but tomorrow will be emotional for me. Every Wednesday is emotional because it marks another milestone week. I guess this is part of the process though. =( I posted a link on my facebook page-that I highly recommend reading if you'd like a better look @ what I am going through-along with all of the other mothers that have or are currently experiencing a loss. Instead of possibly delivering my babies tomorrow, I will be out buying balloons and flowers to for Ian & Owen for remembrance day on Saturday. Isaac has soccer games, but we have every intention if releasing balloons with Ian & Owen's name and ...

It's official... Greif causes severe memory loss. In the last 3 days, I have noticed a lot of memory problems. I forgot my moms & step dads anniversary, I forgot to pay 3 important bills, I forgot to call customers, I forgot to do things I told them I'd do, and I forgot to complete an obligation that I commited to. So, I can assure you, amoung the many other things that greif causes, memory loss is one of them. Those other many things that I have noticed include- Lack of energy & motivation. Lacking the ability to be joyful about situations I should really be joyful about. Complete & Utter distraction in all aspects of my life. My main issue is, people just don't understand. I realize I have a lot on my plate right now-but that's not what is causing all of this. My mind is distracted and wrapped around this situation in my life-and it irriates me that people make that part of my life so much less than it is. My life revolves around my family and m...

I am choosing to acknowledge today that God is on the other side of this road. The book I am reading is an encouraging book on faith and walking with faith through this lonely winding road of loss. I am not saying I am no longer angry with God, but I will acknowledge his presence in some of this situation. I am still angry that the Christian people in my life (some of them) have been the farthest from this situation. THe ones I really expected to be still checking in, especially not seeing us in weeks, haven't even sent a short e-mail, text, letter or anything making sure we're still treading water. That has really dissapointed me and has resonated deep in my heart why I have been so skeptical in the 1st place. But today, I will choose to put that biterness aside, and realize God has to at some point be the center of my faith-or lack of faith-or whatever I am doing right now. I do'nt want anyone to feel sorry for us-but I do want people to acknowledge Ian & Owen-I'...

I've mentioned in previous blogs a book that I've been reading. I took a little break from reading it the same time I took a break from writing. I think I took a break from FEELING in general. There are some excerpts from the book that I read today-while sitting in my Ian & Owen chairs with the windows open while the kids played outside and Cris did whatever it was outside he was doing. "None of us greives the same way, and one of the best things we can do is give ourselves permission to live that out" " I have found that there are people in my life I don't feel comfortable being myself around. Not because they are not great people, but because I feel an obligation to befriend them in a way I am no longer capable of.  They need more of me than I can give" "when I feel like hiding in my room, and hiding from the world, I start to get depressed & the resentment sinks in. Picking yourself up and going about your life as if it's all a ...

I live a different life now. Today-I just want my babies! I said from day 1-that Ian & Owen were going to be born early. The date that kept coming in my mind is Oct. 13th. I don't know why, but that was the date that I had in mind. When we got to the soccer field this morning, I found myself thinking in my mind that if things were like they should be, I would be either waddling down the field unable to really move, or I would be pushing a stroller of my new babies down to watch their big brothers play soccer.  Either way, it took my breath away to snap back into reality and remember that I get neither of those things. Today, I just want to hold my babies. I just want to show them off to friends and family and I want to just have my babies. That's all I really have to say. I am making a great effort to put on a great face today-But I feel very alone. 1 week from today, We will sit beside our angel babies and put flowers on their grave. We will release balloons in hon...

Todays blog is a simple one, that will make perfect since to my other "moms of loss" I was able to sit down today & unsubscribe to all of the email groups like motherhood maternity, gerber, babycenter & many others I'd been getting daily emails from. I guess I finally got tired of being reminded that I'm not pregnant anymore. =/ After doing this, I was able to sit down & drown my sorrows in a shared blizzard with Cris. I know, sounds rediculous, but it was very hard to sit & do this as part of my will miss the babycenter.com updates-It was too much though, especially as I near my due date. So many of the other moms in the November twin group, have gone into labor this week. In 4 days, I"ve read 7 wonderful birth stories of beautiful, big, healthy full term twin births. After reading the 7th today, I decided it was doing me no good to read them. I'm not even sure why I tortured myself. I sure wish everyone understood how I feel. I wish ...

" I am a mother of twins, what’s your superpower?" I love this funny line. I saw it on t-shirts & bumper stickers when I was pregnant with Ian & Owen. Cris and I (more so Cris) would look up funny onsies for twins…. and this funny line was always somewhere in the mix. We had found several little t-shirts we wanted to get the boys when they were here. Who knows-maybe one day God will bless us with twins again (one can dream, right?) I’ve learned a lot about grief in the last 4 months. 1: Everyone deals with it differently. This is kind of cliché because of course, everyone deals with every situation differently than someone else. That’s the beauty of being human. You are allowed to grieve in whatever way you need or want to. I’ve learned to accept that I am not the same person that I was before June 24 th . I’ve learned that I care a lot less about what people think of how I am dealing with things or how people perceive me, because I know my strengths, ...