I've posted this before but...
"Some people only dream of angels, I got to hold two".
On the eve of the day my sweet boys were set to be born, I find myself sitting here with nothing really to say. I feel so guilty that part of me has been so distracted the last few days with some stresses happening in our life that I haven't really given myself the opportunity to accept what tomorrow is. There is another part of me that says that it doesn't really matter because it is just their "due date" and we all know that children, especially twins are typically both before their due date. So, while the date is just a day on the calendar-it marks someting "real" for me, but it also makes a void for me because their actual birthday is June 24th. Which unfortunately, is also their death date.
I'd love to say that I will wake up tomorrow and it will be just another day like the last 130+ days has been. But we all know it won't be. This day symbolizes the DATE that my children were to make their appearance into this world. I'm not sure what it will be like for me tomorrow when I wake up-and this is assuming that I go to sleep at all!
It does feel like it was just a few days ago that I was holding these perfect beautiful small babies in my arms telling them how special they are. Telling them all of the dreams that we had for them. Telling them about their big brothers. I remember holding Ian by himself and seeing Isaac. I told Ian over and over how much he would have admired his brother Isaac because he is such a wonderfully genuine boy. I wanted Ian to know that he had the gentle personality already that Isaac has. They were going to be best friends.
Later, I held Owen and told him how spontaneous he was, just like his brother Caleb. He had this beautiful crazy look on his face with this gorgous melt your heart immediately smile. He had this peaceful look on his face. I told him that night as I kissed him on the head and cried over him, that the look on his face made me feel like he was content and things would be just fine. Owen was the youngest but was by FAR the more outgoing one.
I know you're probably thinking this is impossible for me to know because they lived for just a few hours, but trust me when I tell you-a mother knows her children. I knew when they were inside of me, which one was moving. I knew from the moment that we knew we were having boys-that one was just like Isaac & One was just like Caleb.
It's hard to sit down on nights like tonight & write the things that I remember about Friday night June 24th-but I know in the long run, this is the best "medicine" for me. I am glad to know that there are woman reading this, that I don't know. I am blessed to know that there are others out there going through something similar and by reading this-they are getting some kind of peace, or validation for their feelings. I am heartbroken to also know that there are others feeling what I Am feeling. So many have said, "I don't know what to say so I say nothing". My advise to this (and I think I've said this before). Don't say nothing. But you don't have to ONLY talk about the loss-Make sure that they let you know that you acknowledge their pain. One of the biggest things for me, is that Ian & Owen are acknowledged. They are my children, just as much as Isaac & Caleb are my children. It is an overwhelmingly horrible feeling to wake up everyday & realize this is NOT a dream. I plan to continue talking through this. I plan to continue writing this blog & telling my story-even if it's a lot of repetitiveness.....=)
How's that for sitting here with nothing to say?
"Some people only dream of angels, I got to hold two".
On the eve of the day my sweet boys were set to be born, I find myself sitting here with nothing really to say. I feel so guilty that part of me has been so distracted the last few days with some stresses happening in our life that I haven't really given myself the opportunity to accept what tomorrow is. There is another part of me that says that it doesn't really matter because it is just their "due date" and we all know that children, especially twins are typically both before their due date. So, while the date is just a day on the calendar-it marks someting "real" for me, but it also makes a void for me because their actual birthday is June 24th. Which unfortunately, is also their death date.
I'd love to say that I will wake up tomorrow and it will be just another day like the last 130+ days has been. But we all know it won't be. This day symbolizes the DATE that my children were to make their appearance into this world. I'm not sure what it will be like for me tomorrow when I wake up-and this is assuming that I go to sleep at all!
It does feel like it was just a few days ago that I was holding these perfect beautiful small babies in my arms telling them how special they are. Telling them all of the dreams that we had for them. Telling them about their big brothers. I remember holding Ian by himself and seeing Isaac. I told Ian over and over how much he would have admired his brother Isaac because he is such a wonderfully genuine boy. I wanted Ian to know that he had the gentle personality already that Isaac has. They were going to be best friends.
Later, I held Owen and told him how spontaneous he was, just like his brother Caleb. He had this beautiful crazy look on his face with this gorgous melt your heart immediately smile. He had this peaceful look on his face. I told him that night as I kissed him on the head and cried over him, that the look on his face made me feel like he was content and things would be just fine. Owen was the youngest but was by FAR the more outgoing one.
I know you're probably thinking this is impossible for me to know because they lived for just a few hours, but trust me when I tell you-a mother knows her children. I knew when they were inside of me, which one was moving. I knew from the moment that we knew we were having boys-that one was just like Isaac & One was just like Caleb.
It's hard to sit down on nights like tonight & write the things that I remember about Friday night June 24th-but I know in the long run, this is the best "medicine" for me. I am glad to know that there are woman reading this, that I don't know. I am blessed to know that there are others out there going through something similar and by reading this-they are getting some kind of peace, or validation for their feelings. I am heartbroken to also know that there are others feeling what I Am feeling. So many have said, "I don't know what to say so I say nothing". My advise to this (and I think I've said this before). Don't say nothing. But you don't have to ONLY talk about the loss-Make sure that they let you know that you acknowledge their pain. One of the biggest things for me, is that Ian & Owen are acknowledged. They are my children, just as much as Isaac & Caleb are my children. It is an overwhelmingly horrible feeling to wake up everyday & realize this is NOT a dream. I plan to continue talking through this. I plan to continue writing this blog & telling my story-even if it's a lot of repetitiveness.....=)
How's that for sitting here with nothing to say?
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