All over the place
So, my thoughts are all over the place right now....
Yesterday was a hard day. It started out OK, but by the end of the day, as it really sank in that this Halloween was going to be a very special one, my emotions started their roller coaster ride. On the ride home, I realized that THIS was the halloween I should be @ home dressing my "thing 1 and thing 2" in their newborn halloween costumes & taking pictures of 4 wonderful boys that God had entrusted me with. It was hard for me to realize that MORE THAN LIKELY the twins would be here by now, and we'd be newly home, trying to get into the routine. I'd be mentially, physically & emotionally exhausted but would love every second of this halloween. I quickly realized, this wasn't what this Halloween was going to be, and I felt sick to my stomach, literally.
This morning, I was still on the fence with "about to crack, or holding it all together". I did good until the marker people called & told me " the marker is here, go sign the paperwork so that we can dig". I took my lunch break & drove over to the cemetary I've been avoiding for 3 weeks & signed paperwork so that the grave can be dug up & the marker can go down. It was terrible. No wait, that is an understatement. I can imagine that this would rank right up there with being shot somewhere that it injures you to the point of death, but doesn't actually kill you right away! But, I signed the papers, stopped & grabbed a bag of M & M's @ the store and cried myself all the way back to work. Just in time to get it together long enough to make it through the last 3-4 hours of work.
I feel like in the last week or so, I've taken a GIANT step backwards in the realm of greif. I know everyone says "greive in your own way, greive however you want to/can". I know there are tons of people out there right now that would give me their left arm if they thought it would make all of this pain go away. I know so many people WANT to help, but there really is absolutely nothing that can be done. I think my way of greiving has become distance. Distance from my friends, from my family & distance from work. I feel as if I wake up everyday & go through the motions, but I can't emotionally connect with anything. I don't get attached to whats going on @ work. I'm not able to get excited about the things going on in life. I can't get overly emotional about things the boys do or say, I feel like I am not capable of it. I read things about what's going on in other peoples lives & I think to myself "how petty". While it's something HUGE for them good or bad-there are times that I am just unable to care about it. (Yea, I realize this sounds totally selfish).
ON the ride to Honda this afternoon (my car has lights that light to flicker on my dash), I started tearing up again-doesn't take much these days. I was watching ahead of my on 581 & I saw a flock of birds and I laughed because they looked like huge wings. They were in their "flock" and the way they were moving-it was one big cluster and then it was gone-because they had turned another direction. I had to blink a few times b/c it was such a quick movement-it was amazing to watch. I laughed to myself & had this feeling about Ian & Owen watching after me-I know that seemed silly. But, a few seconds later, what seemed like 10 feet above flock 1-there was another flock doing the same thing. They started doing their pattern at the same TIME so it was 2 flocks making that pattern-coming & going. I said..."there is my thing 1 & my thing 2".
We are 8 days away from their original due date-Granted, likely they would already be here had they gone to term. However, I can't bank on that because OBVIOUSLY the master plan is not for me to decide. I've been asking recently if I could go back a year and change it all, would I?? My answer to that is, If I had to choose all over again, I would still choose Ian & Owen, even if it meant we had to do this all over again. They are 2 of my 4 sons. They are a 1/4 (each) of my heart.
Yesterday was a hard day. It started out OK, but by the end of the day, as it really sank in that this Halloween was going to be a very special one, my emotions started their roller coaster ride. On the ride home, I realized that THIS was the halloween I should be @ home dressing my "thing 1 and thing 2" in their newborn halloween costumes & taking pictures of 4 wonderful boys that God had entrusted me with. It was hard for me to realize that MORE THAN LIKELY the twins would be here by now, and we'd be newly home, trying to get into the routine. I'd be mentially, physically & emotionally exhausted but would love every second of this halloween. I quickly realized, this wasn't what this Halloween was going to be, and I felt sick to my stomach, literally.
This morning, I was still on the fence with "about to crack, or holding it all together". I did good until the marker people called & told me " the marker is here, go sign the paperwork so that we can dig". I took my lunch break & drove over to the cemetary I've been avoiding for 3 weeks & signed paperwork so that the grave can be dug up & the marker can go down. It was terrible. No wait, that is an understatement. I can imagine that this would rank right up there with being shot somewhere that it injures you to the point of death, but doesn't actually kill you right away! But, I signed the papers, stopped & grabbed a bag of M & M's @ the store and cried myself all the way back to work. Just in time to get it together long enough to make it through the last 3-4 hours of work.
I feel like in the last week or so, I've taken a GIANT step backwards in the realm of greif. I know everyone says "greive in your own way, greive however you want to/can". I know there are tons of people out there right now that would give me their left arm if they thought it would make all of this pain go away. I know so many people WANT to help, but there really is absolutely nothing that can be done. I think my way of greiving has become distance. Distance from my friends, from my family & distance from work. I feel as if I wake up everyday & go through the motions, but I can't emotionally connect with anything. I don't get attached to whats going on @ work. I'm not able to get excited about the things going on in life. I can't get overly emotional about things the boys do or say, I feel like I am not capable of it. I read things about what's going on in other peoples lives & I think to myself "how petty". While it's something HUGE for them good or bad-there are times that I am just unable to care about it. (Yea, I realize this sounds totally selfish).
ON the ride to Honda this afternoon (my car has lights that light to flicker on my dash), I started tearing up again-doesn't take much these days. I was watching ahead of my on 581 & I saw a flock of birds and I laughed because they looked like huge wings. They were in their "flock" and the way they were moving-it was one big cluster and then it was gone-because they had turned another direction. I had to blink a few times b/c it was such a quick movement-it was amazing to watch. I laughed to myself & had this feeling about Ian & Owen watching after me-I know that seemed silly. But, a few seconds later, what seemed like 10 feet above flock 1-there was another flock doing the same thing. They started doing their pattern at the same TIME so it was 2 flocks making that pattern-coming & going. I said..."there is my thing 1 & my thing 2".
We are 8 days away from their original due date-Granted, likely they would already be here had they gone to term. However, I can't bank on that because OBVIOUSLY the master plan is not for me to decide. I've been asking recently if I could go back a year and change it all, would I?? My answer to that is, If I had to choose all over again, I would still choose Ian & Owen, even if it meant we had to do this all over again. They are 2 of my 4 sons. They are a 1/4 (each) of my heart.
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