Loyalties & forgetfulness
I'm learning everyday how to use my "sensor" when it comes to blurting out how I feel. Well, I say I am learning how to use it, but somedays it seems that I can't FIND the sensor. I am more or less in this blog expressing MY feelings like I always I do....Pretty uncensored for the most part-so if you're not interested in a little negative irritation-please cease reading! =)
I had every reason to have a fantastic weekend-and really, I did have a great one for the most part. We started out working the fall festival @ the boys school which wound up being a HUGE success-more so than I expected. Cris and I put a lot of work into our part of it that I commited to. We had great family helping with the kids, mom came & participated in the festivities by running a booth for Thirty One-my childhood friend came & ran a booth too and I got to spend all day with Cris, doing stuff for the kids. Birthday parties and then off to a "date night" to celebrate my BFF's birthday a little late. Had a drink, a nice dinner & time with Cris. I was BUSY so my mind had no time to really consider my anxiety. The kids spent the night away and Cris and Isaac went to the race today-so guess where I was??? Home......Alone....
Now, I did get a LOT done that I've been really wanting to do. Getting winter clothes out, cleaning floors, bathrooms, dusting, organizing things, grocery store & errands. You'd THINK that would be enough to keep my mind occupied. Today proved to be a really difficult day for me emotionally. There has been a lot of times today that I've had to remember that I have to breath. Lots of day dreaming, lots of tears & lots of feeling guilty for enjoying the day yesterday.
I got in the car today SPECIFICALLY to go to the graveside, but I just could not go. I wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed in a ball & just cry my eyes out-because I finally was able to be alone long enough to allow myself to feel anything real. I've had so many "better" days in the past few weeks that it finally caught up to me and I felt so guilty. I should still be outwardly mourning. I really AM mourning.
Just because everyone elses' world is going @ full speed, mine is going in slow motion. I got some great one on one time w/ Caleb tonight & about 400 times, he told me "you're the greatest mommy ever". Normally, I would LOVE hearing my children say that, but tonight, it broke my heart. SO badly I wanted to tell him, that I feel like the worlds WORST mommy. I am so preoccupied with my own feelings about Ian & Owen that I just can't make go away. I am consumed with stress over the Richmond house & how that is going to affect our ability to enjoy our MUCH needed vacation to it's fullest extreme. How the Richmond situation is going to affect our future, how Ian & Owens death is ultimately going to consume me and I fear I will never ever be able to get out of this dark hole. I wanted to tell my son that he deserves my full attention and I feel so terrible every night when I lay down because I know @ the end of the day, I've not given my kids the 200% of me that they deserve. It's so frustrating for me to know I can't be what I know I need to be for them.
I fear that my heart is never going to be whole again. I fear that I will not be able to come out of this one the other side a better & stronger person. Every single event in my life feels like it's intensified to the max because of what we've been through. There are many "Fears" in this experience that I still can't face. I've got extreme bitterness to certain "people" that I feel I needed & weren't there. I am feeling more & more like what I described in an earlier blog post. I'm having a hard time being a friend to those that are my friends. I feel like I'm giving and giving and giving and trying to be strong & stay busy b/c it keeps me occupied-and I feel like a door mat. I feel like I just can't get ahead of the game...
Ian & Owen apparently touched so many lives..why does it feel like everyone but me has forgotten?
I had every reason to have a fantastic weekend-and really, I did have a great one for the most part. We started out working the fall festival @ the boys school which wound up being a HUGE success-more so than I expected. Cris and I put a lot of work into our part of it that I commited to. We had great family helping with the kids, mom came & participated in the festivities by running a booth for Thirty One-my childhood friend came & ran a booth too and I got to spend all day with Cris, doing stuff for the kids. Birthday parties and then off to a "date night" to celebrate my BFF's birthday a little late. Had a drink, a nice dinner & time with Cris. I was BUSY so my mind had no time to really consider my anxiety. The kids spent the night away and Cris and Isaac went to the race today-so guess where I was??? Home......Alone....
Now, I did get a LOT done that I've been really wanting to do. Getting winter clothes out, cleaning floors, bathrooms, dusting, organizing things, grocery store & errands. You'd THINK that would be enough to keep my mind occupied. Today proved to be a really difficult day for me emotionally. There has been a lot of times today that I've had to remember that I have to breath. Lots of day dreaming, lots of tears & lots of feeling guilty for enjoying the day yesterday.
I got in the car today SPECIFICALLY to go to the graveside, but I just could not go. I wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed in a ball & just cry my eyes out-because I finally was able to be alone long enough to allow myself to feel anything real. I've had so many "better" days in the past few weeks that it finally caught up to me and I felt so guilty. I should still be outwardly mourning. I really AM mourning.
Just because everyone elses' world is going @ full speed, mine is going in slow motion. I got some great one on one time w/ Caleb tonight & about 400 times, he told me "you're the greatest mommy ever". Normally, I would LOVE hearing my children say that, but tonight, it broke my heart. SO badly I wanted to tell him, that I feel like the worlds WORST mommy. I am so preoccupied with my own feelings about Ian & Owen that I just can't make go away. I am consumed with stress over the Richmond house & how that is going to affect our ability to enjoy our MUCH needed vacation to it's fullest extreme. How the Richmond situation is going to affect our future, how Ian & Owens death is ultimately going to consume me and I fear I will never ever be able to get out of this dark hole. I wanted to tell my son that he deserves my full attention and I feel so terrible every night when I lay down because I know @ the end of the day, I've not given my kids the 200% of me that they deserve. It's so frustrating for me to know I can't be what I know I need to be for them.
I fear that my heart is never going to be whole again. I fear that I will not be able to come out of this one the other side a better & stronger person. Every single event in my life feels like it's intensified to the max because of what we've been through. There are many "Fears" in this experience that I still can't face. I've got extreme bitterness to certain "people" that I feel I needed & weren't there. I am feeling more & more like what I described in an earlier blog post. I'm having a hard time being a friend to those that are my friends. I feel like I'm giving and giving and giving and trying to be strong & stay busy b/c it keeps me occupied-and I feel like a door mat. I feel like I just can't get ahead of the game...
Ian & Owen apparently touched so many lives..why does it feel like everyone but me has forgotten?
Casey,
ReplyDeleteI understand...wow...I understand. Some days are so difficult to get through...and it's so hard to explain to others how you're feeling and why. If you want to lay in bed and cry, allow yourself to do that sometimes. We know that we are so busy "holding it together" and taking care of our family and "getting thru" every day. Sometimes it just takes a toll, and you need a "cry day". It's okay to miss them, and it's okay to feel what you feel. I've been telling others that now...that they don't have to say something to cheer me up or try to make things better, that I deserve to be able to be sad and miss her. You deserve to miss your little ones however you need to too.
I understand how it's hard to mute what you want to say...and often what we do say in our own head. I thought of starting a blog that says "What I wouldn't ever say outloud". I think it's how we handle our grief and our anger. I feel aggitated sometimes, and I can feel myself respond to others in a very irrational way. But things are very different to us now...sometimes we see things or hear things differently. Sometimes I just want to be mad.
It's hard to figure out how to grieve, and how to let others know. I think it's okay to tell them if you're having a rough day, if you're holding it in, if you need a little extra support, etc. People really don't know what to do and say sometimes, and I think you can let them know what would make you feel better. I've told others that I like it when others talk about Elliana, it lets me know that they also remember her. I like it when they say that they love her or miss her too. I also told them when they see butterflies or ladybugs to think of her and share those things with us. I've given them very tangile things to do.
It feels very strange for the world to keep on going, and we feel stuck in greif. It feels so lonely. Sometimes I feel like everyone of my friends and family are having joy in their life, but I am not. I know some say that it will make us a better mother, and a better person-- but I don't see it yet either. Perhaps in time. Right now, I think God made us as women and as mothers to love so deeply and whollly and we feel so broken hearted right now. It's okay--that's how He made us. I think God understands. I think he cries with us too. You know the most popular cited Bible verse, "Jesus wept". The original word for "wept" is a strong one there--it's not just shedding a few tears. It basically means convulsing out of depth of sorrow that shakes you to the core of your being. It's about as overcome with mourning as a person can get. Jesus was crying over Lazarus because he loved him, he loved Mary and Martha and he knew they were hurting. I believe He loves Elliana. He loves Ian and Owen. He loves us, and is sad that we are hurting. This comforts me, because we are not alone. It's still hard, I understand.
Just take one day at a time, sometimes it is merely one hour at a time. Try to breathe and get through it. I know that feels so hard sometimes. I sympathize. I'm so sorry for your loss of your sweet boys, and the way you loved them, want them, and plan for them. It's a terrible terrible situation, and I know... it does suck!
Everyone knows you are doing the best you can right now. It's all we can do. I pray it will get better as time goes on. We can only hope. Keep writing and letting us know how you feel. Think about what will help you and what you need. And let others know. Hope we can talk soon! Tare care of you sweet tart!