Several Subjects
#1 Apparently things haven't changed in 10 years since highschool. More people did NOT attend from our class than those that DID attend. Those that didn't go that I've talked to-basically solidified the same reasons I did not go.
#2-I have a sick child-Nothing sucks more in the middle of the weak than a kid that is sick-Especially when there is absolutely nothing you can do & you feel already volnuerable to every single sneeze, cough or sniffle after being through what I've been through
#3-on a slightly fun note-I am getting very excited about Disney
#4 and on a back to the "stress" of my daily life conversation-yesterday was 4 months since Ian & Owen were born. Four VERY long, horrible months. No one can ever understand the emptiness I feel every single day. No one else carried them, learned their routines, learned their likes and dislikes and learned everything about them that I did in 5 months. I know you're probably thinking-"neither did you, they weren't born yet". But, it's true, I knew all of those things. For Example-Ian did NOT like to be poked at. He would disapear the very moment you touched him. Owen however, begged for that attention. He would be very still until I put my hand where he was and he would jump all over the place like he was super excited for me to be holding him. When I listened to country music-they both moved a lot. Ian seemed to sleep and be more somber in the mornings and Owen was more somber in the afternoons/early evening. They were BOTH raring to go around 10pm and stayed that way until 5 or 6. One of both of them liked milk-because I drank about a gallon a week. Ian already had gotten the hiccups. I know it was him because only the bottom left portion of my stomach moved-Owen always stayed on the upper right of my stomach.
I know it seems strange, but I knew their routines, I knew more about them than anyone else in this world because they were LIVING inside of me. They were living off of my words, my feelings, my emotions, my air, my food, my breath-my everything. Cris has even told me before, that he think it's harder on me than him because I was the one feeling them everyday and I was the one part of their life, every single day for those 5 months-I was the 1st person that touched them when they were born. I was the last person to hold them before the nurse came & took them away @ 5am on June 25th.
I again, haven't been to the graveside in awhile. I hate going. I was ok w/ it before because the grass was fresh over their casket and it made me feel more "safe" for some reason, knowing that they were "marked" by that fresh grass. We are STILL waiting on their headstone, and until it goes in the ground, I dont want to go. It feels like such an empty place in a big field...nothing to signify my boys are there. It makes me realize just how cold & horrible the whole thing is, because it has no meaning for "Ian and Owen". It's just a grave, with dead grass over it-there no label. Granted, having to have a label of any kind like this completely sucks and is totally unfair, but it IS reality and I must face that. We are about 15 days from their "due date". That day is going to be hard. Hard is an understatement...
#1 Apparently things haven't changed in 10 years since highschool. More people did NOT attend from our class than those that DID attend. Those that didn't go that I've talked to-basically solidified the same reasons I did not go.
#2-I have a sick child-Nothing sucks more in the middle of the weak than a kid that is sick-Especially when there is absolutely nothing you can do & you feel already volnuerable to every single sneeze, cough or sniffle after being through what I've been through
#3-on a slightly fun note-I am getting very excited about Disney
#4 and on a back to the "stress" of my daily life conversation-yesterday was 4 months since Ian & Owen were born. Four VERY long, horrible months. No one can ever understand the emptiness I feel every single day. No one else carried them, learned their routines, learned their likes and dislikes and learned everything about them that I did in 5 months. I know you're probably thinking-"neither did you, they weren't born yet". But, it's true, I knew all of those things. For Example-Ian did NOT like to be poked at. He would disapear the very moment you touched him. Owen however, begged for that attention. He would be very still until I put my hand where he was and he would jump all over the place like he was super excited for me to be holding him. When I listened to country music-they both moved a lot. Ian seemed to sleep and be more somber in the mornings and Owen was more somber in the afternoons/early evening. They were BOTH raring to go around 10pm and stayed that way until 5 or 6. One of both of them liked milk-because I drank about a gallon a week. Ian already had gotten the hiccups. I know it was him because only the bottom left portion of my stomach moved-Owen always stayed on the upper right of my stomach.
I know it seems strange, but I knew their routines, I knew more about them than anyone else in this world because they were LIVING inside of me. They were living off of my words, my feelings, my emotions, my air, my food, my breath-my everything. Cris has even told me before, that he think it's harder on me than him because I was the one feeling them everyday and I was the one part of their life, every single day for those 5 months-I was the 1st person that touched them when they were born. I was the last person to hold them before the nurse came & took them away @ 5am on June 25th.
I again, haven't been to the graveside in awhile. I hate going. I was ok w/ it before because the grass was fresh over their casket and it made me feel more "safe" for some reason, knowing that they were "marked" by that fresh grass. We are STILL waiting on their headstone, and until it goes in the ground, I dont want to go. It feels like such an empty place in a big field...nothing to signify my boys are there. It makes me realize just how cold & horrible the whole thing is, because it has no meaning for "Ian and Owen". It's just a grave, with dead grass over it-there no label. Granted, having to have a label of any kind like this completely sucks and is totally unfair, but it IS reality and I must face that. We are about 15 days from their "due date". That day is going to be hard. Hard is an understatement...
Comments
Post a Comment