I've mentioned in previous blogs a book that I've been reading. I took a little break from reading it the same time I took a break from writing. I think I took a break from FEELING in general. There are some excerpts from the book that I read today-while sitting in my Ian & Owen chairs with the windows open while the kids played outside and Cris did whatever it was outside he was doing.
"None of us greives the same way, and one of the best things we can do is give ourselves permission to live that out"
" I have found that there are people in my life I don't feel comfortable being myself around. Not because they are not great people, but because I feel an obligation to befriend them in a way I am no longer capable of. They need more of me than I can give"
"when I feel like hiding in my room, and hiding from the world, I start to get depressed & the resentment sinks in. Picking yourself up and going about your life as if it's all a gift isn't easy when you have lost something so precious. But that's just it; I can either focus on what I have lost, or what I have gained. I choose the latter. Sometimes, I have to choose it a couple of times an hour"
ALL of these quoted words from the book mean something so important to me. The 1st line about greiving has been such a stumbling block for me. I am greiving in my own way, I can tell you this for certain, but some days, I feel like I should be done greiving. I've talked to several other mommies of angels that have felt this way, so I realize I am not at all alone in this feeling. I have a hard time giving myself permission to stop and cry, or scream, or be in a crappy mood mainly because I still have a family to take care of. I believe there is a significant different between depression and grief, but I do believe the symptoms are very similar. My greif is a physical greif right now. I have horrible pain phsysically every day. I never talk about that though-because that will lead to a conversation about Ian & Owen that I am not ready to talk about right now with most people.
As far as not feeling OK around some people-This quote from the book is so true-I am sure many of you can agree even if you haven't been through this. As we grow up and change, our friendships and relationships change. I can tell you though-it changes even more quickly when you're experiencing a loss. I do have friends in my life right now who I Love dearly, but I am simply not capable of being a good friend to right now. I am not capable of throwing myself entirely into a relationship with them. I am too distracted and self absorbed in my own crisis to give any piece of myself to them or be a friend they need me to be. I have accepted that. I've not been able to verbalize it until reading this passage, but it's true.
As far as choosing the latter several times an hour-I'm not to that point yet. I don't choose the latter yet. I choose to focus on the hurt. Maybe one day I will get to the point of choosing to be happy-but right now. I know I am blessed, but I am choosing to be what I am and feel what I feel. Some days the smallest of chores are horrible. Like today-I got absolutely nothing done but the grocery store and some reading. I've lost the desire to cook, to eat (which won't hurt me any), or to really do anything else. Of course, I still do everything the kids want to do because they are the most important things in my life (besides Cris of course) and doing things with them keeps me vertical everyday.. But it's hard to maintain any kind of regular schedule.
Cris and I have thrown ourselves into a new project-besides all we're doing with PTA, soccer, upcoming basketball and indoor soccer, school activities. We are now looking into organizing a walk for 2012 through October15th.com-remembering our babies. There is nothing locally in Roanoke for this-although you beter believe he and I will be decked out in our mommy of twin angels and daddy of twin angels shirts (I think I've said this before in a previous blog). We are talking w/ the organizers of the events to find out what we have to do to start a chapter here in Roanoke and try to get the word out to people that this is not a silent situation-we want to encourage people to come forward and talk. I know it's a needed thing because I've met, befriended, and been loved and supported by more than 10 of these woman whose stories have been silent for as many as 5 years. I love these woman dearly and I want many many more people to have a group to be involved in to know that whatever way they choose to greive is OK. To be able to sit in silence, cry outloud, or laugh at silly things-together, as woman, as families, as husbands, as children, as woman of faith, or woman of no faith-to grieve as they feel necessary.
We are also happily expanding our family sometime next week (probably by the end of the week). We are fostering another lab from the SAVE A LAB foundation that we got shelby doo from. Shelby has been a wonderful addition to our famliy & we are excited to add 1 more for awhile. The mama we are getting is heartworm positive and is going to be going through treatments while she's with us. She's a chocolate lab that s about 2 years old and has 4 puppies that were mixed w/ a hound-gourgeous doggies. We will have Jasmine during her treatment and when she's done, if she mixes well with our family and lifestyle-she will stay with us. We are excted about that & hope it works out for all of us-and hope she loves us as much as we know we will love her!
"None of us greives the same way, and one of the best things we can do is give ourselves permission to live that out"
" I have found that there are people in my life I don't feel comfortable being myself around. Not because they are not great people, but because I feel an obligation to befriend them in a way I am no longer capable of. They need more of me than I can give"
"when I feel like hiding in my room, and hiding from the world, I start to get depressed & the resentment sinks in. Picking yourself up and going about your life as if it's all a gift isn't easy when you have lost something so precious. But that's just it; I can either focus on what I have lost, or what I have gained. I choose the latter. Sometimes, I have to choose it a couple of times an hour"
ALL of these quoted words from the book mean something so important to me. The 1st line about greiving has been such a stumbling block for me. I am greiving in my own way, I can tell you this for certain, but some days, I feel like I should be done greiving. I've talked to several other mommies of angels that have felt this way, so I realize I am not at all alone in this feeling. I have a hard time giving myself permission to stop and cry, or scream, or be in a crappy mood mainly because I still have a family to take care of. I believe there is a significant different between depression and grief, but I do believe the symptoms are very similar. My greif is a physical greif right now. I have horrible pain phsysically every day. I never talk about that though-because that will lead to a conversation about Ian & Owen that I am not ready to talk about right now with most people.
As far as not feeling OK around some people-This quote from the book is so true-I am sure many of you can agree even if you haven't been through this. As we grow up and change, our friendships and relationships change. I can tell you though-it changes even more quickly when you're experiencing a loss. I do have friends in my life right now who I Love dearly, but I am simply not capable of being a good friend to right now. I am not capable of throwing myself entirely into a relationship with them. I am too distracted and self absorbed in my own crisis to give any piece of myself to them or be a friend they need me to be. I have accepted that. I've not been able to verbalize it until reading this passage, but it's true.
As far as choosing the latter several times an hour-I'm not to that point yet. I don't choose the latter yet. I choose to focus on the hurt. Maybe one day I will get to the point of choosing to be happy-but right now. I know I am blessed, but I am choosing to be what I am and feel what I feel. Some days the smallest of chores are horrible. Like today-I got absolutely nothing done but the grocery store and some reading. I've lost the desire to cook, to eat (which won't hurt me any), or to really do anything else. Of course, I still do everything the kids want to do because they are the most important things in my life (besides Cris of course) and doing things with them keeps me vertical everyday.. But it's hard to maintain any kind of regular schedule.
Cris and I have thrown ourselves into a new project-besides all we're doing with PTA, soccer, upcoming basketball and indoor soccer, school activities. We are now looking into organizing a walk for 2012 through October15th.com-remembering our babies. There is nothing locally in Roanoke for this-although you beter believe he and I will be decked out in our mommy of twin angels and daddy of twin angels shirts (I think I've said this before in a previous blog). We are talking w/ the organizers of the events to find out what we have to do to start a chapter here in Roanoke and try to get the word out to people that this is not a silent situation-we want to encourage people to come forward and talk. I know it's a needed thing because I've met, befriended, and been loved and supported by more than 10 of these woman whose stories have been silent for as many as 5 years. I love these woman dearly and I want many many more people to have a group to be involved in to know that whatever way they choose to greive is OK. To be able to sit in silence, cry outloud, or laugh at silly things-together, as woman, as families, as husbands, as children, as woman of faith, or woman of no faith-to grieve as they feel necessary.
We are also happily expanding our family sometime next week (probably by the end of the week). We are fostering another lab from the SAVE A LAB foundation that we got shelby doo from. Shelby has been a wonderful addition to our famliy & we are excited to add 1 more for awhile. The mama we are getting is heartworm positive and is going to be going through treatments while she's with us. She's a chocolate lab that s about 2 years old and has 4 puppies that were mixed w/ a hound-gourgeous doggies. We will have Jasmine during her treatment and when she's done, if she mixes well with our family and lifestyle-she will stay with us. We are excted about that & hope it works out for all of us-and hope she loves us as much as we know we will love her!
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