Loyalties & forgetfulness

" I am a mother of twins, what’s your superpower?"

I love this funny line. I saw it on t-shirts & bumper stickers when I was pregnant with Ian & Owen. Cris and I (more so Cris) would look up funny onsies for twins…. and this funny line was always somewhere in the mix. We had found several little t-shirts we wanted to get the boys when they were here. Who knows-maybe one day God will bless us with twins again (one can dream, right?)

I’ve learned a lot about grief in the last 4 months.

1: Everyone deals with it differently.

This is kind of cliché because of course, everyone deals with every situation differently than someone else. That’s the beauty of being human. You are allowed to grieve in whatever way you need or want to. I’ve learned to accept that I am not the same person that I was before June 24^th. I’ve learned that I care a lot less about what people think of how I am dealing with things or how people perceive me, because I know my strengths, and I know my weaknesses, and I am ok with that.

2: Some don’t grieve because they don’t know HOW to grieve.

Example: Someone I know lost her infant years ago. Recently, she came to me & asked me if I was involved in a support group (again, I will not mention any names in this writing). She expressed to me that her loss feels like just yesterday & that she doesn’t confide in friends or family, because none of them have been through this kind of a loss. I can relate to that feeling. Well, sort of. I explained to her, that through this process, I’ve come across MANY women that are experiencing the kind of loss that I am. Even some of my close friends that I didn’t know had experienced a loss. I have become closer and closer to some other women in my circle of friends because they’ve been there while I scream, cry, yell or laugh. They walk me through the daily process and check on my often. They can see all over my face (or read through my emails) that I either A) need to talk or B) need to be left alone about this situation or another. Having a support system is an overwhelmingly important aspect to healing. I choose not to talk about it with my family because it’s hard to describe what I feel. I also want to put on the "I am OK" face so that they can move on with their lives. I’m not so sure that’s possible for me at this moment, but it’s not fair to hold back those that can, or want to. NOT suggesting that they want to, because they experienced a loss too-They lost grandsons & nephews. But, it’s easier to glide over how I feel in conversation because it’s never good to be the Debbie downer all the time. There are other things in life that deserve as much attention as how I feel =)

3: Sometimes grief can bring people closer.

Sadly, or not so sadly, Cris and I have a new relationship. I will never forget the day that I got out of the hospital and we came home. After everyone left, the boys had gone to the lake with grandud (bless grandud for giving us that time to get resettled into our new normal). Cris and I went to our room & just laid down. I took the boys blankets out of the little white cloth bags that the hospital sent them home in and I just laid there & cried. Cris laid there and held my hand until we both fell asleep. We have a new understanding about life and each other. Trust me, we both have our horrible days-where nothing either of us do is the right thing. I take him for granted all too often. I get so self absorbed in my own feelings that I forget that he is a father of twin angels just like I am a mother of twin angels. His grief process is much different than mine, but we are 2 totally different people. We do however; will forever be bonded by 4 wonderful children. Not only are we married, until death do us part, but I think this falls in the line of "for better or for worse" This certainly would be the WORSE part! We have a more understanding relationship now, so I’d say, we can thank Ian & Owen for that. Although-whoever is responsible; I’d like to say that this extreme was not necessary!

4: Grief makes you question what you believe

I guess this makes sense though. Depending on how religious you are, some would say its "Satan trying to sway your feelings" I don’t really buy into that though. I’m not sure WHAT role God plays in all of this, if he plays one @ all. I don’t believe what people say "God has a purpose and a plan". There is no justification for such a purpose or plan of losing a child. Sorry, there just isn’t. I also don’t believe God takes things away from us to teach a lesson. I do feel like my kids were taken from me but I also feel blessed that they were given to me in the first place. I don’t feel that there is a lesson to be learned from this & I don’t believe there is something "better" to be had by this situation. I’ve made it no secret that I am angry with God. I am angry at religion. Any and all people associated with the religious life we had prior to this, I am not interested in talking to. I’m not interested in having a conversation about how God is always there, or how God will be there when we get through this. At my stage of grief, this is how I feel and it just is what it is. Sorry if you disagree.

Finally #5:

Grief makes you forget the "normal" or the things you once knew well. Example-I got lost driving-In a town I've driven in for almost 13 years-Sadly, I didn't even realize I'd gone the wrong way for my destination. I can't remember things, I'm not focused at all. From what I understand from the books I've read and articles online, this is rational while you're processing your emotions. I've had 2 crying spells today-but not really out of sadness for myself. More out of just confusion. Isaac talks about Ian and Owen a lot lately, and it's hard for me to explain to him that it's OK to feel the way he does, when I don't even understand WHY we're dealing with this...

This topic has so many layers involved. I have so many things I can say, but right now, I just want to express my sincere gratitude to those of you that read this, even if you can’t relate to how I feel. I appreciate you TRYING to relate to our world.