Frustration **baby talk WARNING**
I am feeling VERY frustrated tonight-
I am still feeling blessed-mostly by my husband who is constantly my source of positive thinking-Yes, he does sometimes cause me to say bad words and yell loudly-but it is always out of love! =) At the end of the day-there is not 1 person I would rather fall asleep next to-or any other person that I would rather share my entire life with-than him. He is what makes my world go round and round-and can still 11 years later makes me weak @ the knees-Yes, sometimes I am weak in the knees over him because I want to kick him until I can't feel my legs-but hey-that IS marraige, right? =) Kidding of course-He is my world and I love him!
No, I am frustrated tonight over things that were SUPOSSED to make our lives better. For those that KNOW us-you know that we took a leap of faith in 2008 and moved to Richmond to "better our lives".
Lord-that was a joke- While we DID learn so many unforgettable lessons in our few years there-we were also presented with more challenges than I care to remember. It because OH SO EVIDENT that we were being told----"you need to stop following YOUR dream, and listen to me". It was obvious. So, we moved back to Roanoke. Yes, we were the stupid people that did not RENT a home while living in a new city-NOpe, we had to BUY our home. We were so dumb-so young and so dumb! This would be by my definition MISTAKE # 1- (of about 600)
The reason I call it a mistake?? To make a LONG sob story short-we have been through moving-leaving the house vacant for a year on the market-Dropping the price lower than what we owe-FINALLY getting a tenant that we thought was WONDERFUL. While the tenant as a person was fine-we were less than thrilled about the way the house was treated in relation to the mgmt company we had and just the condition. It's true what they say-a home is not cared for by ANYONE the way you would care for your own property. Again-this is not a bad reflection on our tenant-it was just "renter" reality for us. Then of course, it ended Oh so quickly after a years lease with no warning-and we were left holding our 2 mortgages and yet another vacant home. Now 7 weeks vacant-it's FRUSTRATING to say the least-to keep up with 2 households and all of our other responsibilities. I could go on and on and on about how STUPID of a mistake moving to Richmond was. ....that is on ONE hand of course-because truly-it was a good move for our FAMILY to grow. It was a great move for Cris' career (that of course is a little touch and go right now)
Frustration #2-WHY oh WHY can't I just have my happiness. I am going to be vague about this-because I am in the market of NOT hurting peoples feelings-but I am frustrated that after ALL I have been through-personally, in my family life, in my OWN life, in life general-can I not have just a tiny bit of happiness. I do TRULY believe that people are given obstacles in their lives with the expectation from our "world" to observe how people handle things. Some handle them with grace & dignity-some handle them with sheer terror in their hearts and take it out on the rest of the world. I would LOVE to believe that when Ian & Owen died, that I handled it with SOME sort of dignity. I am sure depending on who you talk to-that may or may not be fact. I can tell you, as I've said before, I am NOT the same person that I was. My kids will tell you to this day-I am probably a little harder on them NOW then I was before. They do understand that it's because they are older, more capable of doing what they do sometimes, AND they understand it is because I love them so much-and can not BEAR to see dissapointment in their eyes. GOD KNOWS-and anyone else that wants to hear it knows-My kids have SEEN MORE DISSAPOINTMENT in their short lives than any person needs in a lifetime. Isaac has been through SEVERAL moves-He was in 3 schools by 3rd grade-He FINALLY is settled into a school, with great friends-and sports and good grades. I am hard on him-YES I am.....ONLY because I know how capable he is-and I can not STAND to see any dissapointment in my childs eyes anymore.I could not control what happened with the twins-but I CAN control some of the day to day things that happen in our lives now.
Back to my frustration-I want to PUBLICALLY apologize if I was one of those that took my anger, hurt & dispair out on the world. It's hard when you're sitting on my side of things-to look back & remember if I handled myself gracefully, or if I was a T total BITCH (sorry) during this loss and transition.
I do SO understand when mothers of rainbow babies say that the best thing in their lives happened when they had another baby to focus on-so that they could finally stop dwelling on their loss. But this is bothersome for me right now because while YES, I am loving that @ almost 16 weeks, I am feeling this tiny child moving inside of me-But yes damnit (sorry again) I am still mad. I am still angry @ God-and Life-at whatever I can be angry at for the loss of Ian & Owen. YES, I have spent MONTHS now dealing with this loss. I've turned gray (it's so stupid), I've lost and gained weight (so not uncommon for me). I've been angry & horrible to my husband, my family, my kids at some times-but I have and am still DEALING with the heartache that losing my children caused. Again, I am BEYOND thrilled to listen to this tiny heartbeat as many chances as I can-but I AM still mad. I AM still mourning and I do NOT like when people just "forget" that we lost our sons-There is still SO MUCH pain associated-it's been 7 months-Everyday it is hard to get out of bed. I've gotten tothe point that I can go a few days without crying-but I can PROMISE YOU it hasn't gotten easier for me-So PLEASE do not assume that when I say I am thrilled to be pregnant and am so excited to bring another child into this world, that I forgot how I got to this point. I will NEVER forget my Ian & Owen and I will NEVER EVER be "over it". So,please don't treat me like I am. I don't want to be treated ANY differently than I was before I was pregnant-and I don't want sympathy-I just want people to remember, I've been on the mourning side-and I don't appreciate that to some, I can't be happy that I am pregnant.
Ok, Off my soup box for tonight-just because my hands hurt from typing!
Someone, PLEASE sell my Richmond house! =) Happy week to all
C
I am still feeling blessed-mostly by my husband who is constantly my source of positive thinking-Yes, he does sometimes cause me to say bad words and yell loudly-but it is always out of love! =) At the end of the day-there is not 1 person I would rather fall asleep next to-or any other person that I would rather share my entire life with-than him. He is what makes my world go round and round-and can still 11 years later makes me weak @ the knees-Yes, sometimes I am weak in the knees over him because I want to kick him until I can't feel my legs-but hey-that IS marraige, right? =) Kidding of course-He is my world and I love him!
No, I am frustrated tonight over things that were SUPOSSED to make our lives better. For those that KNOW us-you know that we took a leap of faith in 2008 and moved to Richmond to "better our lives".
Lord-that was a joke- While we DID learn so many unforgettable lessons in our few years there-we were also presented with more challenges than I care to remember. It because OH SO EVIDENT that we were being told----"you need to stop following YOUR dream, and listen to me". It was obvious. So, we moved back to Roanoke. Yes, we were the stupid people that did not RENT a home while living in a new city-NOpe, we had to BUY our home. We were so dumb-so young and so dumb! This would be by my definition MISTAKE # 1- (of about 600)
The reason I call it a mistake?? To make a LONG sob story short-we have been through moving-leaving the house vacant for a year on the market-Dropping the price lower than what we owe-FINALLY getting a tenant that we thought was WONDERFUL. While the tenant as a person was fine-we were less than thrilled about the way the house was treated in relation to the mgmt company we had and just the condition. It's true what they say-a home is not cared for by ANYONE the way you would care for your own property. Again-this is not a bad reflection on our tenant-it was just "renter" reality for us. Then of course, it ended Oh so quickly after a years lease with no warning-and we were left holding our 2 mortgages and yet another vacant home. Now 7 weeks vacant-it's FRUSTRATING to say the least-to keep up with 2 households and all of our other responsibilities. I could go on and on and on about how STUPID of a mistake moving to Richmond was. ....that is on ONE hand of course-because truly-it was a good move for our FAMILY to grow. It was a great move for Cris' career (that of course is a little touch and go right now)
Frustration #2-WHY oh WHY can't I just have my happiness. I am going to be vague about this-because I am in the market of NOT hurting peoples feelings-but I am frustrated that after ALL I have been through-personally, in my family life, in my OWN life, in life general-can I not have just a tiny bit of happiness. I do TRULY believe that people are given obstacles in their lives with the expectation from our "world" to observe how people handle things. Some handle them with grace & dignity-some handle them with sheer terror in their hearts and take it out on the rest of the world. I would LOVE to believe that when Ian & Owen died, that I handled it with SOME sort of dignity. I am sure depending on who you talk to-that may or may not be fact. I can tell you, as I've said before, I am NOT the same person that I was. My kids will tell you to this day-I am probably a little harder on them NOW then I was before. They do understand that it's because they are older, more capable of doing what they do sometimes, AND they understand it is because I love them so much-and can not BEAR to see dissapointment in their eyes. GOD KNOWS-and anyone else that wants to hear it knows-My kids have SEEN MORE DISSAPOINTMENT in their short lives than any person needs in a lifetime. Isaac has been through SEVERAL moves-He was in 3 schools by 3rd grade-He FINALLY is settled into a school, with great friends-and sports and good grades. I am hard on him-YES I am.....ONLY because I know how capable he is-and I can not STAND to see any dissapointment in my childs eyes anymore.I could not control what happened with the twins-but I CAN control some of the day to day things that happen in our lives now.
Back to my frustration-I want to PUBLICALLY apologize if I was one of those that took my anger, hurt & dispair out on the world. It's hard when you're sitting on my side of things-to look back & remember if I handled myself gracefully, or if I was a T total BITCH (sorry) during this loss and transition.
I do SO understand when mothers of rainbow babies say that the best thing in their lives happened when they had another baby to focus on-so that they could finally stop dwelling on their loss. But this is bothersome for me right now because while YES, I am loving that @ almost 16 weeks, I am feeling this tiny child moving inside of me-But yes damnit (sorry again) I am still mad. I am still angry @ God-and Life-at whatever I can be angry at for the loss of Ian & Owen. YES, I have spent MONTHS now dealing with this loss. I've turned gray (it's so stupid), I've lost and gained weight (so not uncommon for me). I've been angry & horrible to my husband, my family, my kids at some times-but I have and am still DEALING with the heartache that losing my children caused. Again, I am BEYOND thrilled to listen to this tiny heartbeat as many chances as I can-but I AM still mad. I AM still mourning and I do NOT like when people just "forget" that we lost our sons-There is still SO MUCH pain associated-it's been 7 months-Everyday it is hard to get out of bed. I've gotten tothe point that I can go a few days without crying-but I can PROMISE YOU it hasn't gotten easier for me-So PLEASE do not assume that when I say I am thrilled to be pregnant and am so excited to bring another child into this world, that I forgot how I got to this point. I will NEVER forget my Ian & Owen and I will NEVER EVER be "over it". So,please don't treat me like I am. I don't want to be treated ANY differently than I was before I was pregnant-and I don't want sympathy-I just want people to remember, I've been on the mourning side-and I don't appreciate that to some, I can't be happy that I am pregnant.
Ok, Off my soup box for tonight-just because my hands hurt from typing!
Someone, PLEASE sell my Richmond house! =) Happy week to all
C
nice blog
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