Today was a really rough day for me....

I realize crampy is a normal pregnancy trait. However, when you are carrying a baby after a loss, being crampy is a HUGE deal. I know this is probably too much information, but every single day, I stand up and just WAIT for something to happen.
When I lost the twins, It all really "happened" when I sneezed-So NOW, when I feel a sneeze coming on, I brace myself and immediately think the worst....How silly is that? Now, I realize it wasn't the SNEEZE that made me go into labor with Ian & Owen-I was already IN Labor-It just made me REALIZE I was in labor.

Today I was crampy-I think a lot of it had to do with some stress, probably some blood pressure issues, probably some of the lack of sleep or the WAY I slept. Either way, I was crampy-so I was really worried all day-which just does HORRIBLE things for my blood pressure! =)

Everything is fine-I checked the babies heart rate when I got home-and it was beautiful and just fine. I also have felt some more fluttering this evening-but it is just a horrible feeling everyday to do nothing but WORRY because of the loss.

Because of the worry-I naturally thought a lot about Ian & Owen today-I miss them so much.

I am so scared now about how labor will be this time around-because of course my last experience wasn't one I like to remember so vividly-but the memory will never fade. I just remember the minute Ian was born & they handed him to me, the look on my sisters face made it so real for me-I needed to see her face and the look she had-but it just didn't feel REAL until the moment he was born, that he wouldn't love long. I wanted so badly for Owen to be born quickly so that I could have them both alive for some time together-How morbid does that sound?? I got my wish and Owen was born just 6 minutes later. I also got my wish and had them alive together for many hours!!!!

I don't have a lot to say today-just that it's been a rough day and I've missed my boys a lot today. =/

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