So, I have my yearly physical coming up in the next week or so.
Along with this physical, comes all of the fun paperwork about health and family history. Although my family doctor is WELL aware of my health state, I still have to fill this crap out every year-
Tonight as I was sitting @ the kitchen table filling it out, I got to the question " Number of Children?"
I stared @ that piece of paper for a few minutes-that seemed like hours. ON 1 hand, I have 2 living children. ON the other, I have birthed 4 LIVE Children. I opted for "4" being my answer because I have had 4 live births. Well, 3 but it resulted in 4 children! =)
I heard a great analogy about pregnancy & infant loss today in some information I was reading about it. It said that Infant loss or pregnancy loss is like carrying around a brick in your pocket. That is so incredibly true. At least, for my situation, it is very accurate. Some days, that brick feels weightless. There are other days, like lately that the brick feels 9000 pounds.
There have been a lot of emotional situations happen in my life in the last few months. None of which compare to the emptiness I felt in JUne and the several weeks/months that follow. BUt these events have forced me to have some resurfacing feelings & emotions that I had put aside for a little while.
I've struggled lately with handling my "new" expectancy & juggling the feelings i still have about my LAST pregnancy. I am trying to stay "detached' as much as possible so that I can expect the unexpected and not go completely over the edge. I am also remembering how hearing & seeing about everyone's happy life affected me during my dark times with Ian & Owen-and trying to be private about our journey in respect for those that don't want to be involved. I am struggling a lot with this-and a lot with the emotions I'd like to leave behind. I did really well the first several weeks of my knowledge of this pregnancy-but as my body is changing again & I am having visible signs of pregnancy-the more scared I become. The smallest normal pregnancy pain is intensified by a thousand. BUt, from what I understand, this is normal for a rainbow pregnancy-Just know that if my posts are all over the place-I have a reason!
I am watching a movie tonight called "The Rabbit HOle" about a family greiving from the loss of their son -fitting, right? There is a part in there that started the tear flowing-about 3 minutes into the movie-IN group therapy another parents says that God took their little girl-because he needed another angel-and The mother in this story pipes in and says "then why didn't he just make another one, he is GOD after all".
Whew-that sums up how i feel right now!
Along with this physical, comes all of the fun paperwork about health and family history. Although my family doctor is WELL aware of my health state, I still have to fill this crap out every year-
Tonight as I was sitting @ the kitchen table filling it out, I got to the question " Number of Children?"
I stared @ that piece of paper for a few minutes-that seemed like hours. ON 1 hand, I have 2 living children. ON the other, I have birthed 4 LIVE Children. I opted for "4" being my answer because I have had 4 live births. Well, 3 but it resulted in 4 children! =)
I heard a great analogy about pregnancy & infant loss today in some information I was reading about it. It said that Infant loss or pregnancy loss is like carrying around a brick in your pocket. That is so incredibly true. At least, for my situation, it is very accurate. Some days, that brick feels weightless. There are other days, like lately that the brick feels 9000 pounds.
There have been a lot of emotional situations happen in my life in the last few months. None of which compare to the emptiness I felt in JUne and the several weeks/months that follow. BUt these events have forced me to have some resurfacing feelings & emotions that I had put aside for a little while.
I've struggled lately with handling my "new" expectancy & juggling the feelings i still have about my LAST pregnancy. I am trying to stay "detached' as much as possible so that I can expect the unexpected and not go completely over the edge. I am also remembering how hearing & seeing about everyone's happy life affected me during my dark times with Ian & Owen-and trying to be private about our journey in respect for those that don't want to be involved. I am struggling a lot with this-and a lot with the emotions I'd like to leave behind. I did really well the first several weeks of my knowledge of this pregnancy-but as my body is changing again & I am having visible signs of pregnancy-the more scared I become. The smallest normal pregnancy pain is intensified by a thousand. BUt, from what I understand, this is normal for a rainbow pregnancy-Just know that if my posts are all over the place-I have a reason!
I am watching a movie tonight called "The Rabbit HOle" about a family greiving from the loss of their son -fitting, right? There is a part in there that started the tear flowing-about 3 minutes into the movie-IN group therapy another parents says that God took their little girl-because he needed another angel-and The mother in this story pipes in and says "then why didn't he just make another one, he is GOD after all".
Whew-that sums up how i feel right now!
I'm so sorry, Casey. The pain and loss you are experiencing is huge. You've been in my prayers today.
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