I guess I took another break from writing for a few days. The blog has felt a little less “important” to me over the last week or so because we’ve been so busy with SO many different things. To start on a good note-Isaac’s soccer team went to a tournament this weekend and was undefeated, placing 1st in the tourney. Such a proud mommy weekend-even though I did have to yell to him a few times to act like he wanted to play! He’s such a great soccer player-and our expectations of him on and off the field have always been so high-but he never disappoints us! He’s such a spectacular kid-so good @ sports, good in school and a great friend to others. Caleb is the polar opposite of Isaac in personality-and is a little more like me. Caleb is great @ sports too because he can’t stand/sit still so he’s constantly moving on the field (This was not like me). But, he has a inability to keep his attention focused for more than 5 seconds in class b/c once you’ve heard it once, you got it-and want to move on-he’s just like me with this! He also has a hard time verbalizing how he feels to his friends-he’s more of a one on one-person kid that relates better to adults. Perhaps it’s a younger sibling thing. When my sister & I were growing up, I always felt like I got along better with people HER age because I was constantly around them. Maybe Caleb feels that way too! He’s the annoying little brother just like I was the annoying little sister. I am sure Jess would agree to that statement! =)
Either way-my kids never cease to amaze me in their talents and their ability to be little men, little human beings. They are growing up more quickly than I’d like to admit. Isaac is just a stepping-stone from being 10 years old-no more single digits. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with him and had to chase Cris down in the parking lot of Walmart (where he worked @ the time, we were in H.S) and tell him I was pregnant. The story is actually really funny (my mom may not agree however) my sister was the 1st person to know. At the time this was happening, my sister was going to college near Roanoke-so she was just a short drive away from me. She lived off campus, so I was safe to visit. =). I told her, and she took my to her doctor to have blood drawn. Then she took me to Macado’s to wait for the results from the Doctor. I think we were more or less just hiding from mom though for a while…I remember vividly what we BOTH got to eat-and how she just sat there watching her phone until it rang. Dr. Abbey then told Jess the news and she said a 4 letter not so nice word that made me laugh. I then went home (without my sisters consent or knowledge, she had NO part in this). I packed a bag and left my mom a note telling her I was pregnant. I then escaped to my sister’s house-I know she loves me because she let me hide out for a day or 2-I watched movies in her room while she was in class and she even let me eat! LOL
The story is not quite as humorous with Caleb-We were certainly not expecting him-but we were thrilled to find out we were pregnant with him. We had just moved into a few house-so we’ve always called him our housewarming kid. Funny thing is-we had just moved into our new house when we got pregnant with Ian & Owen too-Perhaps we should stop moving!
I’ve struggled with a lot of bitterness lately along with a lot of “I don’t care” kind of attitude. I’m bitter towards people I feel like should be involved in this healing/grieving process that are as absent as absent can be. I am bitter towards God for allowing that to happen. Especially because most of those people are direct advocates for our religious well-being. Instead of not feeling happy for the people in my life that are experiencing wonderful things, I am simply just avoiding them. If we happen to be near each other in social events, I have been able to gracefully avoid interaction. I know it’s terrible I am sure somehow these people MIGHT understand my feelings, and deep down I am not trying to hurt anyone’s feelings, but to tell you the truth, if their feelings are hurt, I’m having a hard time sympathizing with that hurt.
On the flip side of the bitterness though, I am feeling overjoyed with blessings from my new friends, and even some old friends. I’ve mentioned before in my writing that this was intended to be a place for me to just get out the way that I feel. Use some therapy for myself and not care what others thought about how I was feeling-without judgment and without retribution. This has turned into SO much more than that. Apparently, there are some people reading my blog that I have never even met. Some I have never even spoken with. They are friends of friends or family members of friends that read this & have shared it b/c their friend or family member is suffering through the same thing. I guess this is similar to my reading “I will Carry You” that my sister sent me, because that was essentially a “blog” of another mother that suffered through losing her daughter. Her story is a little different, but the outcome was the same.
I have friends & folks that I work with that read this & have told me they can relate to some of my feelings because they suffer in one way or another when it comes to having children. I have become close with the wife of a guy I went to high school with. Caleb & their son are the same age, have gone to school together, and we didn’t even know it until within the last year. She also suffered a loss a few years ago and never got the opportunity to express her sorrow and pain. Many MANY times I’ve been told “ I didn’t even KNOW about infant loss & pregnancy loss awareness until I read it on your blog, or your facebook page”. People I talk to daily but have never met in person, and even those that I see everyday, wore their pink & blue, or their Infant loss bracelets on October 15th for me. Many of you even lit CANDLES for Ian & Owen. By many, I mean, I know more than what I can count on 2 hands b/c each of you sent me pictures or FB messages about what you were doing to help me spread the word, or what you’d done to support Ian & Owen and my desire to tell the world about how special that day is to so many of us. As I write this, I am reminded though, that just because October 15th of 2011 has come and gone, that does not mean the pain and suffering has left most of our hearts. Those of us walking this windy path struggle daily, monthly, sometimes hourly and a lot of the time as raw as it is for me anyway, sometimes by the minute I am in. So, please don’t forget to continue supporting those of us going through this-along with the family members that it affects.
While I do still struggle with our maker and his part in this process, and just exactly where my heart is supposed to be right now, I am feeling blessed that my sorrow has brought some sort of healing to other people. Perhaps this was the intention all along…
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