Fruits of the spirit & me

Fruits of the spirit include

Love, Joy, Peace & Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.

For some reason today-these words have been on the very forefront of my brain. This could be because of Ian & Owen. It could be because of our “Richmond” house & it could be because of all of the things swirling around me as I stand still and watch so many different things come crashing to my feet.

Biblically speaking, we all know what these fruits of the spirit are designed to be used for. They are the “guidelines” for our Christian lives. While I still believe these are good outlines and rules for how we should live our lives and how our behavior should reflect these attributes, some of them have taken on new meaning for me in the past 6 months. Well, probably in the last 4 years, but more specifically in the last 6 months.

Peace-There is a HUGE word that hasn’t been used in my vocabulary in a very positive way lately. I am at PEACE with what all is happening, but I do not find peace in it, if that makes sense. I have not settled on the fact that this is my new life. I have not settled on the fact that for the next several months, Cris and I are involved in a very stressful housing situation in Richmond. I am at peace that this is what it is going to be and nothing I can say or do will change it, but I am NOT peaceful with what is happening.

Patience-If you know me, you know that I’ve never ever had this attribute. I joke all of the time and say I got this from my dad. I do not like to wait for answers, and I do not like to wait to see how things are going to turn out. I need to know right this second what is being done and why. I need to know clear and precise answers for WHAT the outcome is going to be and why. This is why this Richmond thing has been SO HARD for me because there is a lot of unknown and a lot of waiting involved. I can’t tell you in 3 days from now how things are going to be regarding this situation. I can’t tell you if we will be In the exact same place, or if things will have taken another drastic turn. I don’t like this.

This is so much of the reason I’ve struggled in dealing with Ian & Owen. I was satisfied the day they were born & and I think it was because I was told within 1 hour of getting to the hospital EXACTLY how my day was going to unfold. I knew what was coming, I was prepared for what was happening and I had a plan. Past 1:09 and 1:13-my plans completely were in the air, but I KNEW what was coming next. I didn’t have to be patient for that result.

Faithfulness-this goes without saying-THIS ONE has been a struggle for me. I grew up in church, like I’ve said before, so I am no stranger to the Christian lifestyle. I’ve struggled my entire life with hypocrisy in the church though that led to 8 years or so without stepping foot into a church. Like I’ve said in previous blogs, we had started back to church as a family when we moved back to Roanoke and then we lost the twins. For the 1^st week or so, the support was overwhelming, but since that time, it was proven to me yet again the reasons I stopped going many years ago. I have privately dealt with my anger & resentment and I am privately struggling with the “faithfulness” fruit of the spirit. I have FAITH in God our Father. I Have FAITH that it is he who provides the grace & mercy daily to make it possible for me to even get out of bed. I do not blame God for what happened. I have and still do occasionally question why he has allowed us to endure this. I still wonder what he sees in me that make him believe that I can handle this, or that we as a family can go through this and make it to the other side with flying colors. I am not sure yet what the PURPOSE is behind all of this sadness, these tears and this lesson.

Each of the above “fruits of the spirit” has taught me something in my 28 years of life. They have each had a time and place in my life where they have been used the way they were supposed to be.  My heart is so hard and cold right now, that it has been impossible for me to be sympathetic to those around me. It has been hard for me to show any signs of love, or of healing. I am feeling very bitter, very saddened and very confused. I know there is a wonderful group of people who remind me daily that we are in their thoughts & their prayers. I don’t say thank you enough to those people, but as true friends that they are, they know and understand even if the words are unspoken.

Today though in light of all of the events that today is going to hold (and yes, random crying spells happened often today). I want to wish my awesome amazing friend Mandy a very happy Birthday. Mandy has been in the shoes I am in previously, and she understands that even when I don’t say things the right way sometimes, she knows what’s in my heart. There have been so many people over the last 4 months that have been there and have understood because they’ve been there. There are others that haven’t been there, but have made such an effort to be part of this process & uplift us in any way possible. Positive thinking is not one of my strong suits, but I am trying!

So Many, On this day that Ian & Owen were set to be born, I am so blessed to be able to ENJOY this day in celebrating the day another special & wonderful person was born! Happy Birthday Mandy!