My Christmas letter to Ian & Owen

Ian & Owen,

Christmas is coming quickly. You are there celebrating with the Lord-as we are to be celebrating here on earth.  As your mom, I need to tell you the true meaning of Christmas, but I assume you already KNOW the true meaning since you are with the Lord now. I am sure that the way you are celebrating is the way that we are INTENDED to celebrate here on earth. 

This Christmas was to be the craziest one yet-You two would be about 2 months old if you were born near your due date into this world. Christmas with twin 2 month olds, a 6 year old and a 10 year old…that’s insane! We were putting up the decorations the other day, as I know you saw. I stopped when I got to your stockings.  I had already picked yours out. They didn’t have your names yet because we had not named you when you decided to be born! 

I think about you every single day. The closer we get to Christmas, the harder it is for me to talk to you, sadly. I can feel you with me and I know that you are there.

This is what I would like for Christmas this year…
Since I know I cannot have you here with me, I need you to be with your brothers. Caleb isn’t sure how to deal with all the things he is feeling about you both.  We have tried to be good parents and give him the love he needs, but I think he needs some guidance from his little brothers.
Isaac knows how he feels but he lacks the confidence to be ok with it. Please show him your presence so that he can be comfortable to grieve for you.
I am sure you know by now, that you will have a little brother or sister in July next year. Please keep watch over him or her while they are with me.
I think a lot of how I am feeling these days is part of guilt. I am afraid that you will feel this new baby will take your place.  I miss you both so much. I hope that in each day you can see and feel that.  No one will ever be able to fill the emptiness that I have for you. Please know how much your daddy and I love you.
If you can add it to your day, watch over your daddy too. He is much like Caleb and can’t understand the emotions.
My Christmas is not complete this year, because you won’t be there to stare @ the lights on the tree. Christmas eve is your 6 months birthday, did you know that?  I will spend as much time with you that day that I can bear to spend physically and emotionally. 
To my sweet babies on their 1st Christmas-I love you to the sky & back. I am grateful to have had you for just a few hours in my arms-Your beautiful faces fill my heart.

Love
Momma

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