Big day
Today was a BIG day in the "life after" pregnany. I've been anticipating the "get to the 2nd appt" day. TOday was it. Today we went to our 10 week 3 day appt to find out we are 11 weeks =) That was so exciting for me b/c it meant 4 days less that I have to worry and 1 week closer to the 2nd trimester!
I was RELIEVED to say the least to hear that heartbeat and see my little one bouncing all over the place. I was THANKFUL to be watching him/her squirming all over the place. It made me feel a little more "settled" in this pregnancy.
Ian & Owen are on the front of my brain these days (not like they aren't every other day) I'm watching all of these moms buying Christmas gifts for their new born babies and I miss the fact that this should be Me & Cris. Although the twins would only be about 6-9 weeks right now and Christmas shopping would be stressful to say the LEAST, it was something i was so excitd about. Seeing our mantel FULL of stockings for our family of 7 (Shelby is included of course). The more I sit & think, the more upset I get to realize this Christmas is not turning out the way It was supossed to. Its been so hard for me to get in the Christmas spirit this year even as much as I've tried. I can't seem to be creative enough to think of gifts for family members. I am just going through the motions of getting the gifts and getting them wrapped. Christmas seems like such a chore this year instead of happiness & family.
Someone posted on Facebook this week (she is a friend of mine that recently lost her father) that God will do whatever it takes to bring you back to him. I've talked about it in my previous blogs, my anger with God, church & religion. For some reason, this quote stuck in my head for the last few days. Since June, we have not been back to church. I think we went 1 time the weekend or 2 weeks after Ian & Owens funeral. I'm not sure how this tragedy was supossed to bring us closer to the Lord. We had finally been able to move past some old things in our lives & attend church and become a stronger, more faithful family. Then we experienced this tragedy. I don't understand HOW this was supossed to make our lives full of Gods presense and love? Cris and I have ALWAYS leaned on each other, for everything. We are a team, we focus on each other, our family and our life together. We were brought together in faith and will die in faith,
I am sure there is truth to things being part of a plan, but I sure still don't understand this one. It is not any easier now, than it was in June, JUly, Aug...etc. I wake up and feel the same empty feeling every single day. Being pregnant again has given me something else to FOCUS on, but it has not taken away the pain I feel. It never will. A new child will not fill the void of Ian & Owen. I will always have 5 children to love and will love ALL of them equally.
I was RELIEVED to say the least to hear that heartbeat and see my little one bouncing all over the place. I was THANKFUL to be watching him/her squirming all over the place. It made me feel a little more "settled" in this pregnancy.
Ian & Owen are on the front of my brain these days (not like they aren't every other day) I'm watching all of these moms buying Christmas gifts for their new born babies and I miss the fact that this should be Me & Cris. Although the twins would only be about 6-9 weeks right now and Christmas shopping would be stressful to say the LEAST, it was something i was so excitd about. Seeing our mantel FULL of stockings for our family of 7 (Shelby is included of course). The more I sit & think, the more upset I get to realize this Christmas is not turning out the way It was supossed to. Its been so hard for me to get in the Christmas spirit this year even as much as I've tried. I can't seem to be creative enough to think of gifts for family members. I am just going through the motions of getting the gifts and getting them wrapped. Christmas seems like such a chore this year instead of happiness & family.
Someone posted on Facebook this week (she is a friend of mine that recently lost her father) that God will do whatever it takes to bring you back to him. I've talked about it in my previous blogs, my anger with God, church & religion. For some reason, this quote stuck in my head for the last few days. Since June, we have not been back to church. I think we went 1 time the weekend or 2 weeks after Ian & Owens funeral. I'm not sure how this tragedy was supossed to bring us closer to the Lord. We had finally been able to move past some old things in our lives & attend church and become a stronger, more faithful family. Then we experienced this tragedy. I don't understand HOW this was supossed to make our lives full of Gods presense and love? Cris and I have ALWAYS leaned on each other, for everything. We are a team, we focus on each other, our family and our life together. We were brought together in faith and will die in faith,
I am sure there is truth to things being part of a plan, but I sure still don't understand this one. It is not any easier now, than it was in June, JUly, Aug...etc. I wake up and feel the same empty feeling every single day. Being pregnant again has given me something else to FOCUS on, but it has not taken away the pain I feel. It never will. A new child will not fill the void of Ian & Owen. I will always have 5 children to love and will love ALL of them equally.
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