I had the worst, most aweful yet wonderful dream last night. It was the most wonderful dream because it was about my boys. I was able to see their faces as infants and I felt them in my arms and I got to see their tiny toes. It was the worst most aweful dream, for all of those same reasons. It reminded me as I woke up that I was doing just that....Waking up from a DREAM. It reminded me of the empty, lonely, horrible feeling that they were once here and now they aren't.
I thought I was doing ok during this holiday season, but it's proving to be really difficult. So many things to concentrate on & so many things to occupy my time. However, each of those things are just plain HARD to do. My heart isn't in any of them. It was a rough morning this morning because I woke up from my dream and it was so fresh on my mind. I don't even remember what the dream was ABOUT other than I had the boys and it was their 1st Christmas. I saw the house all finished, their nursery complete & our 1st Christmas morning with a family of 6. Isaac & Caleb were tearing into their gifts like it was their job. Cris was trying to get Owen to open his stocking & I was feeding Ian. They were both in red and blue onsies and were absolutely flawless. I do not remember any talking, or anyon else being around. I remember only the 6 of us, enjoying Christmas morning. Nothing else seemed to matter. There were no worries and no stress. Of course, I had my 4 sons and husband with me, so there was nothing to stress or worry over.
I gave myself about 5 minutes this morning to "get over it" and in that time frame, I was trying to think of something I can do, privately and quietly on Christmas morning to honor my boys. This led me to start thinking about if I will or won't have time to visit them on Christmas day. If I do go, will this take away time from Isaac & Caleb and the joy of CHristmas for them? I think I personally decided to light 2 candles somewhere in my house just for my peace of mind. It will help me to feel them here with me I think.
Recently, someone in our lives expressed their dissapointment to me about my/our choice and anger with church, religion and God. Apparently, it's a grave disservice to my children that we are not participating in Christmas services in a church family setting. It hurts my heart that someone feels that our greif process is hurting our living children. I think selfishly it makes me angry because they have no idea what we are going through. I feel so alone in this these days, like everyone else has forgotten the pain. Everyone else has seemingly moved on to other things. I was told that whatever we are going through, will never be solved without God and church being our #1 priority. I have to snicker when I repeat this, because while to some, this may be true, where were those God advocates for the last 5 1/2 months? Where were those God fearing, prayerful, loving people when we were in the darkest time in our lives? I won't speak for Cris, or for the boys, but I can tell you I am still in a dark time. The closer to the holiday we get, the harder it is all getting to deal with. I hope to be able to quietly deal with this all through the HOliday so that my pain & greif takes away nothing from those joyful about the spirit of Christmas. I however and simply just going through the Christmas stuff for Isaac & Caleb. It's proved this year to be a chore. I am hurt by the lack of support that is coming from certain people. I am irritated by the opinions about church and our involvement. I believe it is a personal choice and I think when we decide that it is time for our family to return to church-we will find a church that we are comfortable with. One that will be there for us, not just for a day or two after a tragedy, but one will be with us consistantly always through happy & sad.
I also realize that being pregnant again was a VERY unexpecting thing for many people but It would be nice if those opinions weren't shared with everyone. I think it's interesting that so many have an opinion when again, they have not stepped foot in our shoes or spent any time going through what we are. I am blessed, I realize this, but I am also broken. I don't need daily reminders!
I thought I was doing ok during this holiday season, but it's proving to be really difficult. So many things to concentrate on & so many things to occupy my time. However, each of those things are just plain HARD to do. My heart isn't in any of them. It was a rough morning this morning because I woke up from my dream and it was so fresh on my mind. I don't even remember what the dream was ABOUT other than I had the boys and it was their 1st Christmas. I saw the house all finished, their nursery complete & our 1st Christmas morning with a family of 6. Isaac & Caleb were tearing into their gifts like it was their job. Cris was trying to get Owen to open his stocking & I was feeding Ian. They were both in red and blue onsies and were absolutely flawless. I do not remember any talking, or anyon else being around. I remember only the 6 of us, enjoying Christmas morning. Nothing else seemed to matter. There were no worries and no stress. Of course, I had my 4 sons and husband with me, so there was nothing to stress or worry over.
I gave myself about 5 minutes this morning to "get over it" and in that time frame, I was trying to think of something I can do, privately and quietly on Christmas morning to honor my boys. This led me to start thinking about if I will or won't have time to visit them on Christmas day. If I do go, will this take away time from Isaac & Caleb and the joy of CHristmas for them? I think I personally decided to light 2 candles somewhere in my house just for my peace of mind. It will help me to feel them here with me I think.
Recently, someone in our lives expressed their dissapointment to me about my/our choice and anger with church, religion and God. Apparently, it's a grave disservice to my children that we are not participating in Christmas services in a church family setting. It hurts my heart that someone feels that our greif process is hurting our living children. I think selfishly it makes me angry because they have no idea what we are going through. I feel so alone in this these days, like everyone else has forgotten the pain. Everyone else has seemingly moved on to other things. I was told that whatever we are going through, will never be solved without God and church being our #1 priority. I have to snicker when I repeat this, because while to some, this may be true, where were those God advocates for the last 5 1/2 months? Where were those God fearing, prayerful, loving people when we were in the darkest time in our lives? I won't speak for Cris, or for the boys, but I can tell you I am still in a dark time. The closer to the holiday we get, the harder it is all getting to deal with. I hope to be able to quietly deal with this all through the HOliday so that my pain & greif takes away nothing from those joyful about the spirit of Christmas. I however and simply just going through the Christmas stuff for Isaac & Caleb. It's proved this year to be a chore. I am hurt by the lack of support that is coming from certain people. I am irritated by the opinions about church and our involvement. I believe it is a personal choice and I think when we decide that it is time for our family to return to church-we will find a church that we are comfortable with. One that will be there for us, not just for a day or two after a tragedy, but one will be with us consistantly always through happy & sad.
I also realize that being pregnant again was a VERY unexpecting thing for many people but It would be nice if those opinions weren't shared with everyone. I think it's interesting that so many have an opinion when again, they have not stepped foot in our shoes or spent any time going through what we are. I am blessed, I realize this, but I am also broken. I don't need daily reminders!
Comments
Post a Comment