I don't know why it's gotten so hard for me to go by the grave. I drove right past the road tonight but I could not make myself turn into the memorial park. I went that direction on purpose, to stop & spend some time with Ian and Owen. But, I couldn't. I have played over and over in my mind the things I want to say to them. I had all intensions to take CHristmas colored flowers to them. Isaac wrote a letter that I've been meaning to go read to them but I just can't.
Cris keeps asking me if I am ok-People at work keep asking-All I can say is Yes-
I can't even explain anymore HOW I feel. I feel lost & empty. Christmas Eve will be 6 months since our lives flipped upside down. Christmas Eve is the time to share with friends & family & celebrate the BIRTH of Jesus Christ-yet I will be focused on the DEATH of my sons.
I posted on facebook earlier, an insert from one of my devotions in the last week. I am not good with keeping up with devotions. I really don't care a lot for them and I find it hard to sit down & read. It was several days later that I sat down & read this one. The insert was..
It reminds me that God’s ways aren’t my ways. And sometimes in our greatest difficulties we find our greatest opportunities and blessed responsibilities
This stuck out to me,because of my prvious writing-In the hardest times-we find opportunities and responsibilities. I wish 6 months was enough time to SEE the joy in our situation. Losing Ian & Owen has been an exhausting experience. It has been emotionally taxing. It has changed relationships in my life. I have become a VERY bitter person in some ways. I simply just don't care anymore. I don't feel that I even have the ability to truly love right now.
Obviously GOds ways are NOT our ways-At this point in my life I question if GOds way is THE way at all. I feel like we are just walking around in this numb world waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am not sure what could possibly be more terrifying to experience than what I am dealing with right now.
I can tell you that I am tired of being brave. While I don't want to TALK to anyone about how I feel, I am still sick & tired if being positive and brave. I am tired of being "ok" with everything. I am tired of everyone assuming that we've moved on & are ok-We aren't. Cris and I have a lot of unspoken feelings about this situation right now-
So, we are back to the-if you ask me if I am OK and I tell you that I am-you can bet that I'm not-but just go with it
I doubt I'll be back on to write anymore before CHristmas-so Merry Christmas to all of you & your families. For those of you with children-Tuck them in everynight-Read them that extra bed-time story, Give them the extra 5 minutes they are asking for instead of folding laundry or cleaning up the house. Watch a movie when there are dishes to wash-But love them and be thankful for them.
Cris keeps asking me if I am ok-People at work keep asking-All I can say is Yes-
I can't even explain anymore HOW I feel. I feel lost & empty. Christmas Eve will be 6 months since our lives flipped upside down. Christmas Eve is the time to share with friends & family & celebrate the BIRTH of Jesus Christ-yet I will be focused on the DEATH of my sons.
I posted on facebook earlier, an insert from one of my devotions in the last week. I am not good with keeping up with devotions. I really don't care a lot for them and I find it hard to sit down & read. It was several days later that I sat down & read this one. The insert was..
It reminds me that God’s ways aren’t my ways. And sometimes in our greatest difficulties we find our greatest opportunities and blessed responsibilities
This stuck out to me,because of my prvious writing-In the hardest times-we find opportunities and responsibilities. I wish 6 months was enough time to SEE the joy in our situation. Losing Ian & Owen has been an exhausting experience. It has been emotionally taxing. It has changed relationships in my life. I have become a VERY bitter person in some ways. I simply just don't care anymore. I don't feel that I even have the ability to truly love right now.
Obviously GOds ways are NOT our ways-At this point in my life I question if GOds way is THE way at all. I feel like we are just walking around in this numb world waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am not sure what could possibly be more terrifying to experience than what I am dealing with right now.
I can tell you that I am tired of being brave. While I don't want to TALK to anyone about how I feel, I am still sick & tired if being positive and brave. I am tired of being "ok" with everything. I am tired of everyone assuming that we've moved on & are ok-We aren't. Cris and I have a lot of unspoken feelings about this situation right now-
So, we are back to the-if you ask me if I am OK and I tell you that I am-you can bet that I'm not-but just go with it
I doubt I'll be back on to write anymore before CHristmas-so Merry Christmas to all of you & your families. For those of you with children-Tuck them in everynight-Read them that extra bed-time story, Give them the extra 5 minutes they are asking for instead of folding laundry or cleaning up the house. Watch a movie when there are dishes to wash-But love them and be thankful for them.
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