Christmas POst

So, Here is my Christmas Update…


It was hard!

Those are the simplest 3 words I can come up with to explain the 4 days off from work.

I don’t think it was hard for anyone else, but it sure was for me.

My sister & her family were in for a few days. We celebrated Christmas with MY side of the family on the 23rd. My sister brought me 2 beautiful candles for Ian & Owen (she had read my blog).

I mentioned briefly to Cris that I was up in the air about going to the graveside over the Holiday weekend. I was THAT awful mother, that did not go. I am sure I’m probably the only person in the WORLD that did not go visit their child(ren)’s grave on Christmas weekend. But, I couldn’t. I can’t explain why, but I just could NOT go. I don’t know if I am afraid that I won’t be able to remain strong from the second I cross over the line into the cemetery or if I am afraid of feeling nothing at all. Some days, that’s how I feel. I feel NOTHING. I refuse to let myself get to the thoughts that make me cry. So, I feel nothing.

Saturday night, my blood pressure got EXTREMELY high. I have no idea why, except that I think somewhere in my mind, I was panicking about Sunday. I was panicking because we were having a house full of family in the afternoon to celebrate the Holiday. That comes with a lot of pressure in itself, even though I had wonderful people cooking, helping clean and bringing stuff for the get-together. But, I was also thinking about how I would feel waking up Christmas morning. I wanted to enjoy watching Isaac & Caleb be excited over all of the new stuff they’d see. I wanted to enjoy being with just our boys on Christmas morning, something we’ve NEVER done. We’ve always had SOMEONE at the house Christmas morning. But I knew in my heart that I would have a hard time with both of those things. The VERY 1st thing when I walked down the steps that morning that struck me was, there were only 4 stockings on the fireplace and there should have been 6.

I lit the candles when we ate breakfast and they stayed lit all day. I kept myself distracted all day cleaning stuff I’d already cleaned 30 times. I made and re-made food. I vacuumed and then vacuumed again. I put away clothes, cleaned up messes, etc. I needed my mind to be as busy as it could be. I really just wanted the ENTIRE day to be over.

Monday-I de-Christmased my entire house. By 9am-the tree was down, the decorations were put up and I was on to getting the furniture set the way I wanted (Of course, I waited for Cris to get home from work to MOVE anything-because I would be in trouble if I moved furniture).

I am looking forward to 2011 going away and having a more successful 2012!



Comments

  1. EmilyJanuary 1, 2012 at 2:37 PM

    I know you won't agree with me when I say this, but I don't think you were a horrible mom for not going to their graves on Christmas. You (metaphorically) visit their graves every day. I think you hit the right balance between being with them and being with the rest of your family.

    *hugs*

    ReplyDelete

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