Sunday is NOT a day of rest....
Today has been a "day dream" kind of day...unfortunately. Over the past few weeks I have managed to go from sleeping OK through the night & having rough days, to having mostly rough days AND rough nights. I kept telling everyone @ the hospital (friends and family) that I was going to need an entire bag of narcotics to get me through that day. But, suprisingly, I did just fine that day and just about everyday that followed-up until the past 10 days or so. For whatever reason, the more time that passes, the more difficult things have become. Days are longer and more of a struggle. NIghts are even longer than the days. It's gotten to the point of feeling physical pain so badly in my neck, head and shoulders that I am crippled with the pain by the time night gets here. Emotionally, i can still go the whole day without crying, but it's almost like it's inside of me and trapped, unable to come out. I FEEL like sitting down and crying this house into one big puddle of my tears but the tears just won't come.
Last night, because my sleep was so jagged, I had a lot of dreams that I remember this morning. ONe of which, was of our dog Shelby-eating a string off of a toy and getting it stuck around her intestines and it killed her. Can't explain that one! The next dream, I was 16 & waiting tables @ Jersey Lillys trying to make enough money to pay my way through music school...again, can't explain that one.
But, 2 of the more vivid dreams were of Ian & Owen. They weren't dreams though-they were re-living June 24th. The 1st one was my sister rushing into the room when she got there all the way from NOVA (let me tell you, I have always thought a lot of my sister, but now, I think she has magical powers to get places in about 15 seconds) I relived the 1st hour she was there, which also happened to be the time that Ian & Owen were born. I remember pushing 1 time and Ian was put on my chest-of course, being 10oz wasn't too difficult to push out-but I remember them putting him on my chest and my sister say "Wow, there is Isaac". I looked down, and she was right. Ian looked IDENTICAL to what Isaac looked like 9 years ago when the same thing occured-except Isaac was full term and about 7lbs more than Ian! =). It took a few more minutes for Owen, because he was feet first. Not that it mattered with a child so tiny, he was still born naturally....but then the same comment again-"Wow, there is Caleb" Again,s he was right-he had a round face and beautiful high cheekbones, JUST like my Caleb did 6 years ago!
The next little bit was the 2nd dream. I know it was broken into 2 dream, because I woke up in between in cold sweats (poor shelby, because I interupted her perfect sleep).
My sister, Cris and I were looking @ the boys & talked about them while Dr. Garcia and Nurse Nancy continued what they were doing. THen it seems like ALL OF THE SUDDEN, Dr. Garcia leaves the room & says he'll come back & Check on my soon, and then Nancy goes RUNNING into the hallway, and all I hear is Dr...."O.R. NOW" and then I was whirled away-with babies and all to the operating room.
You see, with twins being born so early, there is a risk of the placentas not detaching-which causes an emergency D & C.....guess what...mine didn't detach! As if our luck that day didn't suck enough!
I remember the antistesioulogist in the room with me-and I remember a LOT of people talking around me and NAncy kept telling me....you're losing a lot of blood, you're loosing a LOT of blood. She kept telling the other nurses to move, and to hurry up....and then I think I feel asleep or was completely knocked out. I heard everyone talking, but I couldn't move or say anything. I remember a nurse telling me she was going to take the boys & weigh them & give their baths and would bring them back as soon as she could.
In my dream (or my reliving) I woke back up in my room but full of family & friends and Nancy told me the boys were ready to come back, so they were brought back so the rest of our family could see them and hold them while they were still alive.
TOday, all day, I have done nothing but think of them. I think I've taken their blankets out of their memory box about 3 times already....
Today, it's just one of those really bad days...
Last night, because my sleep was so jagged, I had a lot of dreams that I remember this morning. ONe of which, was of our dog Shelby-eating a string off of a toy and getting it stuck around her intestines and it killed her. Can't explain that one! The next dream, I was 16 & waiting tables @ Jersey Lillys trying to make enough money to pay my way through music school...again, can't explain that one.
But, 2 of the more vivid dreams were of Ian & Owen. They weren't dreams though-they were re-living June 24th. The 1st one was my sister rushing into the room when she got there all the way from NOVA (let me tell you, I have always thought a lot of my sister, but now, I think she has magical powers to get places in about 15 seconds) I relived the 1st hour she was there, which also happened to be the time that Ian & Owen were born. I remember pushing 1 time and Ian was put on my chest-of course, being 10oz wasn't too difficult to push out-but I remember them putting him on my chest and my sister say "Wow, there is Isaac". I looked down, and she was right. Ian looked IDENTICAL to what Isaac looked like 9 years ago when the same thing occured-except Isaac was full term and about 7lbs more than Ian! =). It took a few more minutes for Owen, because he was feet first. Not that it mattered with a child so tiny, he was still born naturally....but then the same comment again-"Wow, there is Caleb" Again,s he was right-he had a round face and beautiful high cheekbones, JUST like my Caleb did 6 years ago!
The next little bit was the 2nd dream. I know it was broken into 2 dream, because I woke up in between in cold sweats (poor shelby, because I interupted her perfect sleep).
My sister, Cris and I were looking @ the boys & talked about them while Dr. Garcia and Nurse Nancy continued what they were doing. THen it seems like ALL OF THE SUDDEN, Dr. Garcia leaves the room & says he'll come back & Check on my soon, and then Nancy goes RUNNING into the hallway, and all I hear is Dr...."O.R. NOW" and then I was whirled away-with babies and all to the operating room.
You see, with twins being born so early, there is a risk of the placentas not detaching-which causes an emergency D & C.....guess what...mine didn't detach! As if our luck that day didn't suck enough!
I remember the antistesioulogist in the room with me-and I remember a LOT of people talking around me and NAncy kept telling me....you're losing a lot of blood, you're loosing a LOT of blood. She kept telling the other nurses to move, and to hurry up....and then I think I feel asleep or was completely knocked out. I heard everyone talking, but I couldn't move or say anything. I remember a nurse telling me she was going to take the boys & weigh them & give their baths and would bring them back as soon as she could.
In my dream (or my reliving) I woke back up in my room but full of family & friends and Nancy told me the boys were ready to come back, so they were brought back so the rest of our family could see them and hold them while they were still alive.
TOday, all day, I have done nothing but think of them. I think I've taken their blankets out of their memory box about 3 times already....
Today, it's just one of those really bad days...
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