Allow me to get religious for a second-or anti-religious, depending on how you read this....=/ Take it as you wish-
I am NOW a firm believer that you should be ultra careful what you pray for. I've heard that saying all my life. "don't pray for patience, you will be tested". There is a song called "Hosanna" that I used to really like. There is a part of the song that says " Break my heart for what breaks yours". This song was often a form of prayer for me, as I have never felt like a strong woman of prayer. My worship time was usually though music. If you know me well, you know I stopped going to church my senior year in high school for MANY reasons, but I grew up in church. Sundays, Wednesdays, mission trips, music, outreach, ministries, VBS, you name it, I was involved in it. I'm not going into the entire list of things that led to my decision to stop going, but it took me 9 years to feel comfortable enough to step foot in a church again. It wasn't until we moved back to ROanoke that we decided collectively as a family to go to church. We had just started really getting involved when we found out we were pregnant with Ian & Owen. As we were settling into our new church family, this song became my prayer. "Heal my heart and make it clean, Open up my eyes to things unseen, Show me how to love like you, have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks yours, Everything I am for your kingdoms cause. As I walk from earth into eternity". So, I tell you again-BE CAREFUL what you wish for. GOd sure broke my heart for what broke his. I know this isn't really the context of the song-but I realize if anyone understands my pain, God understands my pain-He watched his son be crucified. Trust me, I am ANGRY with God-I've made no excuses about that. I've got a very bitter heart right now. I have a very bitter soul-I am ANGRY that God chose our family to endure a loss that we will never understand. I am angry that God has been so absent in this healing process (Please, I do not want a sermon right now). I am angry that I feel no desire to find comfort in what I was raised to find comfort in. In times of trouble,you run to the feet of the Lord. I want to run the opposite direction right now. I AM NOT saying by any means that I have no faith. I am expressing how empty I feel and how far away from God this experience has taken us. I am logically thinking and feeling, that when we get closest to the Lord in our church family and as a family personally, he tears our world apart and shakes our faith to the extreme that it has been shaken. I have found no comfort in any religious fact from June 24th-now. None. I am feeling further away from God NOW than I did the 9 years I purposefully didn't go to church, or worship in any way. I was feeling convicted prior to this happening and we as a family were making great strides in our religious decisions. That is broken....
On another note-The book that I am reading was in no way the cause of my cryfest on Friday-The book is amazing and I hope that everyone that has experienced a loss (and even some that have not) will read this book. My cry fest was because of the date-the events that were taking place around me and my all around emotional state @ the time-This book is a wonderfully executed story about another womans battle and her amazing faith-If you'd like to read of someone strong-Read her book!
Today-I got my "mommy of angels" bracelet and I am SUPER excited! =)
I am NOW a firm believer that you should be ultra careful what you pray for. I've heard that saying all my life. "don't pray for patience, you will be tested". There is a song called "Hosanna" that I used to really like. There is a part of the song that says " Break my heart for what breaks yours". This song was often a form of prayer for me, as I have never felt like a strong woman of prayer. My worship time was usually though music. If you know me well, you know I stopped going to church my senior year in high school for MANY reasons, but I grew up in church. Sundays, Wednesdays, mission trips, music, outreach, ministries, VBS, you name it, I was involved in it. I'm not going into the entire list of things that led to my decision to stop going, but it took me 9 years to feel comfortable enough to step foot in a church again. It wasn't until we moved back to ROanoke that we decided collectively as a family to go to church. We had just started really getting involved when we found out we were pregnant with Ian & Owen. As we were settling into our new church family, this song became my prayer. "Heal my heart and make it clean, Open up my eyes to things unseen, Show me how to love like you, have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks yours, Everything I am for your kingdoms cause. As I walk from earth into eternity". So, I tell you again-BE CAREFUL what you wish for. GOd sure broke my heart for what broke his. I know this isn't really the context of the song-but I realize if anyone understands my pain, God understands my pain-He watched his son be crucified. Trust me, I am ANGRY with God-I've made no excuses about that. I've got a very bitter heart right now. I have a very bitter soul-I am ANGRY that God chose our family to endure a loss that we will never understand. I am angry that God has been so absent in this healing process (Please, I do not want a sermon right now). I am angry that I feel no desire to find comfort in what I was raised to find comfort in. In times of trouble,you run to the feet of the Lord. I want to run the opposite direction right now. I AM NOT saying by any means that I have no faith. I am expressing how empty I feel and how far away from God this experience has taken us. I am logically thinking and feeling, that when we get closest to the Lord in our church family and as a family personally, he tears our world apart and shakes our faith to the extreme that it has been shaken. I have found no comfort in any religious fact from June 24th-now. None. I am feeling further away from God NOW than I did the 9 years I purposefully didn't go to church, or worship in any way. I was feeling convicted prior to this happening and we as a family were making great strides in our religious decisions. That is broken....
On another note-The book that I am reading was in no way the cause of my cryfest on Friday-The book is amazing and I hope that everyone that has experienced a loss (and even some that have not) will read this book. My cry fest was because of the date-the events that were taking place around me and my all around emotional state @ the time-This book is a wonderfully executed story about another womans battle and her amazing faith-If you'd like to read of someone strong-Read her book!
Today-I got my "mommy of angels" bracelet and I am SUPER excited! =)
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