Stages

You might think I’m strange, but I LIKE talking about Ian & Owen. Just as much as I LIKE talking about Isaac & Caleb. Even though we do not have the memories with the twins, that we do/will have with our oldest 2, they are still our children, and I enjoy talking about them as such. I’ve read several articles lately, written by women that share experiences similar to mine. I realize that I am not the only person that enjoys telling people my story. Cris and I don’t sit @ the dinner table and talk about them. We don’t sit around watching TV talking about them, but we do find ourselves @ odd times in the day, or during other conversations bringing up the “could you imagine this x4” or “could you imagine what this would have been like”. I realize we’re talking in the past tense, and in the make believe present tense, but nonetheless, we still speak of them occasionally. Cris and I have our own way of dealing with things though-and I am more verbal than he is. That’s true in our lives, not just in THIS situation. He is the much better person that can be quiet and not say anything and be just fine. I am the one that instigates. I don’t do it intentionally; I just lack the “filter” part of my thoughts. If I am thinking it, it’s usually not far from coming out of my mouth. This has gotten worse since Ian & Owen passed away. I believe I am entering the part of my grief process where I become emotionless. Not to be confused with numb! I FEEL the pain; I feel that everyday. I feel the emptiness, the broken heart, the on the verge of tears emotions. But, I don’t express that much anymore. When I sit down to write this blog, I can express it. I can see more now, the bigger picture in situations. I can see the bigger picture in life. The small things, are just small things. They will work themselves out. I no longer worry about if I meet a deadline @ work, or if I meet someone else’s expectations at home, in my friendships, or even with people I just met. My entire world has been flipped upside down and all the way to the core of my soul, I am a different person. I know this is true…I’ve been told by countless people that I have changed since we lost Ian & Owen. I have people tell me that they read my blog to just see if they need to be worried about me. (My family has said the same thing). People tell me that my demeanor has changed.

I have read and re-read the 5 stages of anger.  I have to say; I believe I skipped right over Denial. I never denied the fact that this was happening. The MOMENT the Doctor said it, I believed it, and I accepted it, and I became excited to meet my boys! I KNEW in my mind, they would only be here for a short time, but I also realized, there was not a single thing we could do about it. I loved every second of the labor this time. I enjoyed every moment leading up to it; every wonderful second after each of the boys were born. For those few hours, the world was a perfect place. The only regret I have is that I do not have a picture of our family of 6. I have pictures of Ian & Owen, but none of them in my arms. None of them with Cris and I and none of them with all 6 of us together. This is a big regret for me.

I know that I went through and am still going through the angry part. When I don’t really feel like talking about it and others do, that’s when the anger continues to grow. I don’t remember ever bargaining with God or anyone else to save them. I went straight to accepting it. I accepted that the boys were going to be born, live with us for a very short time, and then Cris and I would leave the hospital. I would no longer feel them moving inside of me, and we would go home, with an empty van, to a house that we left so excited for twin boys. So excited for our future and so excited for our family.

We have many more stages to go-but for now, We are moving along in the ones we’re experiencing. The rest of the time….we’re just dealing with “life” and all the crap it throws! =)