The house we bought in February was a big enough house to accomodate our current family size with the possibility of changing some things around on the downstairs level to make another bedroom if we ever decided we would have more kids. Well, just 2 weeks after moving into this house, we found out we were (you guessed it) about 8 days pregnant. (it's weird, but I knew that I was pregnant on day 2, and I took about 200 home pregnancy tests that week to confirm it was true) We were SO early when we went to the doctor-that absolutely NOTHING was seen on the ultrasound. Blood work confirmed it and another set of bloodwork confirmed it 2 days later-but it wasn't until I was 9 week, that anything could be seen on the ultrasound.
Anyway-WHen we found out, Cris IMMEDIATELY started plans for the downstairs, which walls to build, which ones to take down, which way to lay out the new rooms and hallways. This room however, is 2 levels away from our room, so we were not about to put a nursery down there. It also has an outside entrance to our backyard, so again, no nursery. Isaac is almost 10 and we would be able to make the room such that he couldn't gain access outside, and he is old enough to be 2 floors away from us without issue. Of COURSE we let him make the decision if he wanted to move downstairs and we let him pick out the style of the room, he was going to paint it-he got to pick out where the closet was build, where the door was going to be, etc. He had a hand in the entire project.
Cris & his friend Ronnie knocked down a few walls, Cris & Brandon took up all of the tile. THe bathroom was gutted, and then new walls were put up, door frames were framed out and closets were built. THEN, from June 24th-present, the room has not been TOUCHED. You can imagine the pain that we feel to even step foot downstairs right now. EVEN THOUGH this was not going to be the nursery, it was still being built to accomodate our growing family.
Well, over the past few days, discussions about finishing the "room" have come back up. We have had a lot of volunteers in helping us complete the project and today....we picked out the tile for the bathroom & the hallway. I have to say, I had a mild panic attack in Lowes.
Not ONLY for the fact that the tile we originally picked was on a mismatched pallet and had 5 different glaze grades on it, making the different boxes not match each other and we had to pick another tile, but because, it felt like a HUGE punch in the stomach. A MAJOR reminder of what this room symballizes in our life. This HUGE reminder that now we have to go downstairs, and make this room a playroom, or an office or just a big empty room that will remind me of Ian & Owen every time I take a step towards downstairs. I will be happy to have it done so that we might actually get to unpack all of the crap in our house that's been in boxes, and all of the toys that came out of the original space. I am glad to be able to finally get my house back in order, and try to move onto a new normal....but in the same respect, that room will ALWAYS be a reminder of what should be, what was supossed to be, but what just isn't.
I've gotten a lot of facebook e-mails this week about trusting in God for there is a purpose and a reason in all of this-but the e-mail that stood out to me that I keep replaying in my head, came from a friend that I spent a summer with working in the mountains of Virginia @ a baptist girls (now co-ed) camp. She told me that she is not a believer that God is responsible for the things that happen in the world, or that there are reasons for things like this that happen. She also reminded me that God can take any emotion that we throw his way. While I am not on speaking terms presently with God-My emotions are on my sleeve, so they are not hard to see. If you run into any of my friends or family and ask them how we are doing-maybe they will tell you we are doing fine, and maybe they will tell you, we just downright aren't. My BF has texted me over the course of the last few days and the most I've been able to tell her is," NO, i'm not fine". But, for those of you that are listening/reading this-stick with us through this-it wo'nt forever be days full of raw emotion. It won't always be days of constant pain & agony over losing Ian & Owen. I am sure days will come again where there will be smiling and sunshine & remembering what it feels like to feel "peace" within our hearts. But for now...if you're following this blog....those days are not present.
Many of you have probably wondered about Cris. I can't and I won't speak for him, but I can assure you, we share a lot of the same emotions. He is very quiet in his emotions and he won't tell you from day to day how he's feeling. More on that to come...
Anyway-WHen we found out, Cris IMMEDIATELY started plans for the downstairs, which walls to build, which ones to take down, which way to lay out the new rooms and hallways. This room however, is 2 levels away from our room, so we were not about to put a nursery down there. It also has an outside entrance to our backyard, so again, no nursery. Isaac is almost 10 and we would be able to make the room such that he couldn't gain access outside, and he is old enough to be 2 floors away from us without issue. Of COURSE we let him make the decision if he wanted to move downstairs and we let him pick out the style of the room, he was going to paint it-he got to pick out where the closet was build, where the door was going to be, etc. He had a hand in the entire project.
Cris & his friend Ronnie knocked down a few walls, Cris & Brandon took up all of the tile. THe bathroom was gutted, and then new walls were put up, door frames were framed out and closets were built. THEN, from June 24th-present, the room has not been TOUCHED. You can imagine the pain that we feel to even step foot downstairs right now. EVEN THOUGH this was not going to be the nursery, it was still being built to accomodate our growing family.
Well, over the past few days, discussions about finishing the "room" have come back up. We have had a lot of volunteers in helping us complete the project and today....we picked out the tile for the bathroom & the hallway. I have to say, I had a mild panic attack in Lowes.
Not ONLY for the fact that the tile we originally picked was on a mismatched pallet and had 5 different glaze grades on it, making the different boxes not match each other and we had to pick another tile, but because, it felt like a HUGE punch in the stomach. A MAJOR reminder of what this room symballizes in our life. This HUGE reminder that now we have to go downstairs, and make this room a playroom, or an office or just a big empty room that will remind me of Ian & Owen every time I take a step towards downstairs. I will be happy to have it done so that we might actually get to unpack all of the crap in our house that's been in boxes, and all of the toys that came out of the original space. I am glad to be able to finally get my house back in order, and try to move onto a new normal....but in the same respect, that room will ALWAYS be a reminder of what should be, what was supossed to be, but what just isn't.
I've gotten a lot of facebook e-mails this week about trusting in God for there is a purpose and a reason in all of this-but the e-mail that stood out to me that I keep replaying in my head, came from a friend that I spent a summer with working in the mountains of Virginia @ a baptist girls (now co-ed) camp. She told me that she is not a believer that God is responsible for the things that happen in the world, or that there are reasons for things like this that happen. She also reminded me that God can take any emotion that we throw his way. While I am not on speaking terms presently with God-My emotions are on my sleeve, so they are not hard to see. If you run into any of my friends or family and ask them how we are doing-maybe they will tell you we are doing fine, and maybe they will tell you, we just downright aren't. My BF has texted me over the course of the last few days and the most I've been able to tell her is," NO, i'm not fine". But, for those of you that are listening/reading this-stick with us through this-it wo'nt forever be days full of raw emotion. It won't always be days of constant pain & agony over losing Ian & Owen. I am sure days will come again where there will be smiling and sunshine & remembering what it feels like to feel "peace" within our hearts. But for now...if you're following this blog....those days are not present.
Many of you have probably wondered about Cris. I can't and I won't speak for him, but I can assure you, we share a lot of the same emotions. He is very quiet in his emotions and he won't tell you from day to day how he's feeling. More on that to come...
I think that at some point the room won't always be a reminder of what it was supposed to be. The day will come when it when it's just an occasional reminder (but one that will feel like a punch in the gut all the same).
ReplyDeleteLove you.