84 days

I feel a little guilty admitting this. But, today was not an AWEFUL day!

It wasn’t wonderful by any means, but it wasn’t as dark as it’s been for the last 84 days. I think mostly because of how insanely busy we have been this week. Isaac and Caleb having soccer every night of the week. I have had several picture projects going on. My computer crashed, my cell phone crapped out, I have a messy house and piles of dirty laundry & a list of volunteer stuff waiting to be done. In spite of ALL of this “stuff” in my life right now, today just seemed to be a little bit normal. Whatever normal means! When I said I feel guilty saying it-I feel even MORE guilty writing it. 

It’s been 84 days. Eighty-four days with a broken heart. Eighty-four days with an empty feeling in my soul. Eighty-four days of waking up, thinking of my babies, spending my day, thinking of my 4 beautiful children, and going to bed, dreaming of my angels. I was on E-bay yesterday and I found this sculpture of angel wings and 2 tiny babies inside a pair of angel wings. To most people, this is just a worthless piece of clay. When I saw it, I cried. 85 days ago, I couldn’t have cried. I would have said, Oh, that’s pretty, and clicked on “next”. To be honest, I likely would not have been on E-bay looking @ babies in angel wings! But, this sculpture was the most beautiful declaration of love a mother could have for her angel children. It was such a pure & simple sculpture of love. Just incase you’re wondering, finding things about infant loss is easy. Finding things for TWIN infant loss is NOT easy! There are tons of mothers w/ empty hearts sculptures holding their lost infant child. But finding things like that for twin babies is very difficult. It’s more likely that in a twin infant loss, there is ONE twin lost and the other survives…. I know it’s not RARE, but losing both of them doesn’t happen an overly abundant amount of times from the research I’ve done. So, finding things like this is hard!

In the 84 days since Ian & Owen were born, so much has happened in the world around us. Our friends have gotten married or engaged. Other people we know have decided to expand their families. There have been other deaths, other births and other changes around us. Also in this same 84 days, I have been given the gift of a beautiful friendship. I have always been blessed with a small group of really great friends. I’ve always been blessed with my Best friend. I love all of those people to the ends of the earth and back. But, with this gift of friendship I was given, came a beautiful soul who has experienced for 4 years already, the same things I’ve experienced in my 84 days on THIS side of my life. I’ve mentioned in previous posts that my life is broken into 2 time-lines. BEFORE Ian & Owen and AFTER Ian & Owen.

Before Ian & Owen, I was happy and content with the friendships I have had in my lifetime. AFTER Ian & Owen, I’ve been given not only my friends from before, but a new set of friends that have also become like family. The one I am speaking about in my blog today-turned my attention several days after the funeral service for the boys to a song that has become one of my favorites. It’s called “Strong Enough” by Matthew West. If you get a chance to listen to it-you can find it on Youtube and I definitely recommend it. During this time, I was very angry with God. I am still very angry with God.

The song is a great one to focus on when you are feeling weak. The best part of the song is that it contains by very favorite verse.  “ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”. Now, while I am angry with God, I am not wanting any discussion about faith, or hope, or trust at the moment. I am simply saying, I love the song, it has some value to it-and I recommend listening to it.

However, My point in all of this crazy talk is-I am thankful for the friendship and bond that the past 84 days has given me. I am so thankful for the continued friendships that I’ve had since childhood. I’m thankful that life has gone on around me, but I am discouraged that ours had to take such a drastic turn. This SAME friend told me today in our daily chat that it’s OK for me to feel like I’m having a good day or a good week. Because I need those to balance out the bad days and bad weeks. She’s truly a blessing. I know for sure, her daughter is taking care of Ian and Owen. She is showing them all that they need to know to protect me, To protect Cris, to protect our marriage and to bless our home. I know Ian and Owen watch over Caleb & Isaac and I know that Isaac & Caleb talk to their brothers often.

So, while today is not as dark as some of the others in the last 84 days, it’s also hopefully not going to be the brightest one that we have going forward. I will take what I can get though, and enjoy the little bit of sunshine we are feeling in our souls today.