Laws of Grieving...
The assumption that the further away a horrific event is, the better we we will feel, or the infamous "time will heal" saying.....Those are not true! Just incase you are wondering.
That probably is the farthest from the truth honestly. I believe some days, are even worse than the day that Ian & Owen passed away. That is kind of an oxymoron if you think about it though. Ian & Owen being born was the 3rd best day of my life-Of course, Isaac being born was #1, Caleb #2 and Ian & Owen #3-but it was arguably also the WORST of day of my life.....by a long shot. A VERY long shot. It was the best, and the worst day all rolled into one. (and people thought I was a big ball of emotions before June, HAH)
The pain comes out of no-where. I can be just fine one minute, and sitting in a puddle of tears 5 minutes later. There are things in my daily life that just trigger the emotion inside of me. The harder part for me to deal with right now, is that some nights, it is difficult for me to tuck Isaac & Caleb into bed. I know that seems like such a simple thing for parents to do,but it's gotten very hard for me to do. I am sure many of you are now thinking "what is she talking about"-but really, hear me out....
When Ian and Owen were born, they of course were not able to open their eyes yet. THey were just a few weeks from having that reflex. Their eyes weren't fused or anything, they were just not to the development point where they were opening and closing their eyes on their own. However, they were breathing, moving & had very strong heartbeats. So, they looked as if they were peacefully sleeping (Yes, incase you're wondering, I do have pictures of my angels while they were alive). Isaac & Caleb both sleep very soundly and peacefully when they are good & asleep. Just like their father, who I often put my hand under his nose @ night to make sure he's breathing. He bugs me when he sleeps because he looks dead-he always has. He's one of those that doesn't move during the night-falls asleep and wakes up in the same spot-never a cover moved, and looks like he's not breathing-drives me nuts.
When I tucked in Isaac & Caleb the other night, they both looked so peaceful and as morbid as it seems, the only thing I could see was Ian & Owen in my arms. They were simply, the most peaceful humans on earth, and it was so hard to watch them as they slept. I normally still re-tuck in their sheets and cover them back up but I found myself not able to even kiss their foreheads goodnight because it was just too hard.
Bad days usually follow a bad night-
My point is-Just because it's September, and this happened in June...it's no where NEAR over for us. It's no where NEAR the hardest part yet. We still feel the raw emotion, DAILY. It's not something you "get over".it's not something you learn to deal with. It's life, it's a new normal, but it's not accepted. It's just plain hard. So many people just assume our life has gone back to normal. It will never be normal again. Never.
A friend of mine said it best once, when I came back to work. She's been throuhg this (and I refer to her a LOT). She said, and I agreed 100% that when she experienced her loss & went back to work, she considered a sign or a t-shirt or a hat that said "Yes, I lost the baby(ies), No,I am not OK, Yes I am aware I can have more children...anymore questions".
That sums it up PERFECTLY.
Yes, we know our conception abilities, Yes, I realize I am no longer pregnant. Nope, we are walking through our daily lives on pins & needles waiting on the other shoe to drop....That's pretty much our new "Normal".
That probably is the farthest from the truth honestly. I believe some days, are even worse than the day that Ian & Owen passed away. That is kind of an oxymoron if you think about it though. Ian & Owen being born was the 3rd best day of my life-Of course, Isaac being born was #1, Caleb #2 and Ian & Owen #3-but it was arguably also the WORST of day of my life.....by a long shot. A VERY long shot. It was the best, and the worst day all rolled into one. (and people thought I was a big ball of emotions before June, HAH)
The pain comes out of no-where. I can be just fine one minute, and sitting in a puddle of tears 5 minutes later. There are things in my daily life that just trigger the emotion inside of me. The harder part for me to deal with right now, is that some nights, it is difficult for me to tuck Isaac & Caleb into bed. I know that seems like such a simple thing for parents to do,but it's gotten very hard for me to do. I am sure many of you are now thinking "what is she talking about"-but really, hear me out....
When Ian and Owen were born, they of course were not able to open their eyes yet. THey were just a few weeks from having that reflex. Their eyes weren't fused or anything, they were just not to the development point where they were opening and closing their eyes on their own. However, they were breathing, moving & had very strong heartbeats. So, they looked as if they were peacefully sleeping (Yes, incase you're wondering, I do have pictures of my angels while they were alive). Isaac & Caleb both sleep very soundly and peacefully when they are good & asleep. Just like their father, who I often put my hand under his nose @ night to make sure he's breathing. He bugs me when he sleeps because he looks dead-he always has. He's one of those that doesn't move during the night-falls asleep and wakes up in the same spot-never a cover moved, and looks like he's not breathing-drives me nuts.
When I tucked in Isaac & Caleb the other night, they both looked so peaceful and as morbid as it seems, the only thing I could see was Ian & Owen in my arms. They were simply, the most peaceful humans on earth, and it was so hard to watch them as they slept. I normally still re-tuck in their sheets and cover them back up but I found myself not able to even kiss their foreheads goodnight because it was just too hard.
Bad days usually follow a bad night-
My point is-Just because it's September, and this happened in June...it's no where NEAR over for us. It's no where NEAR the hardest part yet. We still feel the raw emotion, DAILY. It's not something you "get over".it's not something you learn to deal with. It's life, it's a new normal, but it's not accepted. It's just plain hard. So many people just assume our life has gone back to normal. It will never be normal again. Never.
A friend of mine said it best once, when I came back to work. She's been throuhg this (and I refer to her a LOT). She said, and I agreed 100% that when she experienced her loss & went back to work, she considered a sign or a t-shirt or a hat that said "Yes, I lost the baby(ies), No,I am not OK, Yes I am aware I can have more children...anymore questions".
That sums it up PERFECTLY.
Yes, we know our conception abilities, Yes, I realize I am no longer pregnant. Nope, we are walking through our daily lives on pins & needles waiting on the other shoe to drop....That's pretty much our new "Normal".
I wonder if one of the reason pain hurts more later is because we don't expect it to. Reading this post made me think of the Tech shootings. That first anniversary was so hard for me, so much harder than I expected it to be. In between the grief I kept asking myself, why, why was this so hard when I'd had a year to grieve. I think part of it was that I hadn't expected it to still hurt so much a year later, and part of it was that the numbness had worn off completely and so now I was finally feeling everything all at once.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, sorry, rambling here. I think one of the things those "time heals all wounds" people forget is that even though time heals wounds, time doesn't keep those wounds from re-opening, and that it isn't a smooth, easy process, either.
And I vote yes on the t-shirts. <3