The Loss

There is no greater tragedy in life than the loss of a child. Unfortunately, because our babies live only within our wombs or they live outside of the womb for a short period of time, an uneducated society often minimizes the importance of their short lives and, in turn, our grief is trivialized….

That’s a really good way to describe how I feel this week. I feel alone-I feel like no one can understand what I am dealing with. Not even Cris. Although-he has admitted several times that it’s different for us. He didn’t spend the time feeling them move like I did because they were inside of my body, not his. He’s been very compassionate to that fact. He’s also admitted that emotions his me, differently than they hit him. He’s had a really rough time too, but I think time has been on his side a little more than it has mine. Those 2 angels consume my thoughts and my every breath every second of the day. Somedays, I feel like I’ve taken a GIANT leap backwards in the healing process. This week, has been it. I am honestly, so anxious about tomorrows date. We have a day full of things planned that will hopefully put my mind elsewhere, but I am struggling to swallow that tomorrow has been 90 days since my sweet boys were born. 2,160 hours (approx) since they died. For those of you reading this that are parents, isn’t it hard to be away from your kids for a few days. While sometimes, it’s nice to enjoy your spouse alone without having to cut someone’s food, break up a fight, clean someone’s clothes, or fuss @ someone for doing something you don’t approve of. But, to really be away from them for a few days, can be very challenging if you love & enjoy your kids like any parent should. Now, imagine being away from them for 90 days, and know that you won’t be able to every be with them again on earth. That each morning, you will wake up and be reminded that today is another day without your children. Again, I am not forgetting my living children. I am blessed daily with waking up to 1 extrememly grumpy non morning person 9 year old and 1 smiling goofey full of life 6 year old. My heart is overflowing with love for these 2 little boys that are quickly turning into handsome, intelligent, thoughtful young men. Despite the wonderful gifts I have in Isaac and Caleb, I do still wake up daily with the reminder, that Ian and Owen are lying cold, in a box, in the ground and their physical appearance is changing from what I remember. I realize this is a morbid thought, but it’s an honest thought. I have a hard time really sugar coating anything anymore. What is the point? Life is full of tiny disappointments. I believe it’s what you do with those disappointments that give you character. Currently, my world is shattered. I assume this means I have multiple opportunities to make things right in my life. I guess this mean, in all of this disappointment and sorrow, there has to be a reason, and there has to be some kind of justification. I’m not looking for anyone to blame for Ian and Owen being born to early. I have my theory of events that led up to going into labor. The blame lies nowhere, but in myself for not listening to my body (Stop shaking your head, whether you agree or disagree that it’s my fault is not in question here). I will forever hold the guilt of 2 lives that will never walk this earth. As we approach the 3 month mark, the cuts feel deeper, the emotions even stronger and it’s hard to see through the tears.