I AM a mother of 4
This was an emotionally taxing weekend...
It began with a lot of "energy" on Cris' part & motivation to work on "the room".
Friday night, we came home from work & ordered pizza-it's been a LONG time since we've done that. Usually, we are either @ the soccer field, baseball field, running errands, out w/ friends or just OUT-we haven't had any lazy time in quit some time with just the 4 of us. For whatever reason, Cris got some motivation to work on the room downstairs. He worked diligently for HOURS while I went through tons of old pictures and updated all of my frames and hung the rest of my pictures that I'd bought and/or unwrapped from moving back in Febuary but never put up. It was nice to get to spend the time doing those things that needed to be done but had been neglected for one reason or another.
Saturday morning, we had to tag-team parent as the boys had soccer games @ different places @ the same time. We met back @ the house to get ready for a wedding we were to attend.
The "working on the room" part was silently emotional for Cris-and I knew this, because we talked a little bit about it while he was working. The WEDDING was the emotional hardship for me this weekend.
Don't get me wrong please, it wasn't the WEDDING that did it-It was the selfish feelings of my own that made it hard for me. The couple-they are perfect-wonderful people that I love dearly from my childhood. I never would have dreamed of NOT being at their wedding and would have never forgiven myself if I decided not to go (which DEFINATELY was a discussion right up until time to leave). Again, it wasn't because of them, or their marraige! I fully support their Godly love for each other & am so happy they finally found each other. No, my reasons were much deeper than that, and much more selfish unfortunately. As I've become an adult, I have accepted the fact that we as humans, are selfish people. THere are lots of people out there that are so very good @ keeping their selfish feelings in tact in all situations. I will be the 1st to tell you, I am NOT one of those people. I am not afraid to admit, I have selfish feelings.
The reason I was on the fence about going was for so many reasons. FIrst and foremost-the obvious reason-the entire reason I write this blog. I am still not feeling social and don't really find enjoyment in being around people. I honestly would have felt like the "downer" in a group of very happy people celebrating a very happy event-which rightfully so, they should be celebrating. I JUST DO NOT FEEL very celebratory right now, and that's just what it is-I won't apologize for it-it just is...
The 2nd reason is because, the wedding was for some childhood friends. Along with that, comes a lot of people from my life many moons ago. Not that there is anything wrong with those people or anything, most of them actually have a very profound place in my life as a child, youth and young adult. However, many of them also bring back a flood of memories I would rather just leave as MEMORIES. Lots of confusing emotions and lots of anxiety about seeing & talking to people from 10 years ago in my life. People that affected who I am, people that affected it in a good way & some that have a very distinct place in my past.
Now, the reason for my anxiety is because I knew, inevitably, there would be a point where I would have to talk about Ian & Owen. Cris and I went into the ceremony @ the last possible second, sat in the back & were the 1st ones out. Not because we weren't wanting to share in the joy of this marraige, but because I wasn't ready. I wasn't realy do be around people, and Cris knew this. He knew i needed to ease into it. I realize this seems very selfish and seems "all about me" when the wedding day should have been ALL ABOUT THEM. It was all about them-for them. But for me, it was a day of personal growth. It was a very difficult day for me to swallow my feelings about people and situations and just deal with it-head on-which I should have done 5, 7, or even 10 years ago. It was also a day for me to swallow my feelings about Ian & Owen and face that people are curious....
The moment came @ the reception. So many people that knew I was pregnant by word of mouth, rumor or whatever. Others that knew via facebook (but don't get on very much, so they didn't know the outcome) or even those that KNOW what happened, but they weren't sure how to address us. I think all of those situations were very uncomfortable for me. IT was very obvious those that wanted to say something, but couldn't. I totally respect everyon and their empathy for our situation and I understand some just don't know what to say, so they don't say anything, and that's fine. It's really fine.
The heartbreak came for me, when someone I hadn't seen in probably 14 years or so, but had kept up with me through my parents until several years ago asked. "so, how many kids do you have now?"
Hmmm...How do I answer that? Before I could even process the question, out of my mouth came "4". Then before I could continue in my answer, She said "oh wow, 4 kids, that's so awesome, how old are they". I then had to say, Well..Isaac is 9 and Caleb is 6, and our twin boys Ian & Owen died in June.
Then, I just stood there. I wasn't sure what to say, and she wasn't either. It was a very akward moment. After talking for a little while longer, I sat down & just looked at Cris. I asked him...."How do I answer that question...."
I guess my response was the most accurate response...I AM a mother of 4. But, what's necessary when talking to people. I feel as if I am getting caught up in the emotion of what has happend. Or that I just want to share my story. But then again, the honest answer is, I am a mother of 4. I am a mother of 4 BOYS. I AM a mother to twin sons and 2 older wonderful young men. I AM forever a mother of 4 children as of this date in 2011. I am a mother of 4.
It began with a lot of "energy" on Cris' part & motivation to work on "the room".
Friday night, we came home from work & ordered pizza-it's been a LONG time since we've done that. Usually, we are either @ the soccer field, baseball field, running errands, out w/ friends or just OUT-we haven't had any lazy time in quit some time with just the 4 of us. For whatever reason, Cris got some motivation to work on the room downstairs. He worked diligently for HOURS while I went through tons of old pictures and updated all of my frames and hung the rest of my pictures that I'd bought and/or unwrapped from moving back in Febuary but never put up. It was nice to get to spend the time doing those things that needed to be done but had been neglected for one reason or another.
Saturday morning, we had to tag-team parent as the boys had soccer games @ different places @ the same time. We met back @ the house to get ready for a wedding we were to attend.
The "working on the room" part was silently emotional for Cris-and I knew this, because we talked a little bit about it while he was working. The WEDDING was the emotional hardship for me this weekend.
Don't get me wrong please, it wasn't the WEDDING that did it-It was the selfish feelings of my own that made it hard for me. The couple-they are perfect-wonderful people that I love dearly from my childhood. I never would have dreamed of NOT being at their wedding and would have never forgiven myself if I decided not to go (which DEFINATELY was a discussion right up until time to leave). Again, it wasn't because of them, or their marraige! I fully support their Godly love for each other & am so happy they finally found each other. No, my reasons were much deeper than that, and much more selfish unfortunately. As I've become an adult, I have accepted the fact that we as humans, are selfish people. THere are lots of people out there that are so very good @ keeping their selfish feelings in tact in all situations. I will be the 1st to tell you, I am NOT one of those people. I am not afraid to admit, I have selfish feelings.
The reason I was on the fence about going was for so many reasons. FIrst and foremost-the obvious reason-the entire reason I write this blog. I am still not feeling social and don't really find enjoyment in being around people. I honestly would have felt like the "downer" in a group of very happy people celebrating a very happy event-which rightfully so, they should be celebrating. I JUST DO NOT FEEL very celebratory right now, and that's just what it is-I won't apologize for it-it just is...
The 2nd reason is because, the wedding was for some childhood friends. Along with that, comes a lot of people from my life many moons ago. Not that there is anything wrong with those people or anything, most of them actually have a very profound place in my life as a child, youth and young adult. However, many of them also bring back a flood of memories I would rather just leave as MEMORIES. Lots of confusing emotions and lots of anxiety about seeing & talking to people from 10 years ago in my life. People that affected who I am, people that affected it in a good way & some that have a very distinct place in my past.
Now, the reason for my anxiety is because I knew, inevitably, there would be a point where I would have to talk about Ian & Owen. Cris and I went into the ceremony @ the last possible second, sat in the back & were the 1st ones out. Not because we weren't wanting to share in the joy of this marraige, but because I wasn't ready. I wasn't realy do be around people, and Cris knew this. He knew i needed to ease into it. I realize this seems very selfish and seems "all about me" when the wedding day should have been ALL ABOUT THEM. It was all about them-for them. But for me, it was a day of personal growth. It was a very difficult day for me to swallow my feelings about people and situations and just deal with it-head on-which I should have done 5, 7, or even 10 years ago. It was also a day for me to swallow my feelings about Ian & Owen and face that people are curious....
The moment came @ the reception. So many people that knew I was pregnant by word of mouth, rumor or whatever. Others that knew via facebook (but don't get on very much, so they didn't know the outcome) or even those that KNOW what happened, but they weren't sure how to address us. I think all of those situations were very uncomfortable for me. IT was very obvious those that wanted to say something, but couldn't. I totally respect everyon and their empathy for our situation and I understand some just don't know what to say, so they don't say anything, and that's fine. It's really fine.
The heartbreak came for me, when someone I hadn't seen in probably 14 years or so, but had kept up with me through my parents until several years ago asked. "so, how many kids do you have now?"
Hmmm...How do I answer that? Before I could even process the question, out of my mouth came "4". Then before I could continue in my answer, She said "oh wow, 4 kids, that's so awesome, how old are they". I then had to say, Well..Isaac is 9 and Caleb is 6, and our twin boys Ian & Owen died in June.
Then, I just stood there. I wasn't sure what to say, and she wasn't either. It was a very akward moment. After talking for a little while longer, I sat down & just looked at Cris. I asked him...."How do I answer that question...."
I guess my response was the most accurate response...I AM a mother of 4. But, what's necessary when talking to people. I feel as if I am getting caught up in the emotion of what has happend. Or that I just want to share my story. But then again, the honest answer is, I am a mother of 4. I am a mother of 4 BOYS. I AM a mother to twin sons and 2 older wonderful young men. I AM forever a mother of 4 children as of this date in 2011. I am a mother of 4.
Comments
Post a Comment