Reality
I took a break from reality today.
Those that know me, know that I live via text messaging. I hate talking on the phone-i LOATHE it actually. I would rather have a 10 hour conversation by texting than sit 2 minutes on the phone. I just don't like it. At all...
In August, my texting went out for some reason on my cell. We were on vacation, so it really wasn't a HUGE deal-but I did spend 2 hours one night from the hotel room on the phone. After they couldn't fix it-they send me a new phone. The new phone worked about 6 weeks before it happened again. This time a level 3 verizon tech said take it to the store for some kind of softare upgrade. If that didn't work, they would send me a new phone. LOng & Short of it is, it did not work and the verizon lady was a total "b" and by the time I left, she was in tears and my blood pressure was probably stroke level. However, a new phone was heading my direction yet again. Well...this time, it made it 10 days-yesterday afternoon-my texts stopped again. I did call Verizon and stumped them, yet again-so a new MODEL of phone is now headed my direction. This time however, I really didn't care that my phone stopped working. I turned it off this morning and haven't given it one tiny thought. So today-I disconnected myself from reality.
My hopes for a distraction yesterday didn't happen. We were busy-but I was never able to take my mind from the twins. Just like most days I suppose. We were surrounded by people-surrounded by social activity and all I wanted to do was crawl in some big deep hole. I was not in the mood whatsoever to be around anyone-at all.
Friday night was a horrific night. I started reading a book that my sister sent me titled " I will carry you" It is about a Christian woman and her husband who is a Christian musician. They had 3 daughters after 1 miscarraige. Then on her 5th pregnancy (also a girl) they found out mid way through that the daughter was "incompatible with life" because of some symptoms she had in the womb. They had to make a decision to continue with the pregnancy or deliver early knowing she would not survive. I feel certain I would have made the same decision they made to continue the pregnancy, but this book is about their greif, their struggle and how they've overcome that horrible things they've been through. Our situations are different as in they knew for 14 weeks what was going to come of Audrey, their daughter. We knew for a whole 6 hours before Ian and Owen were born. ANyway, I came home Friday in an already anxious mood. We had dinner and everyone in our house kind if separated to their own space for awhile. I curled up in my Boys chairs that I love so much and started this book. Within about 45 minutes, I was sobbing like a 2 year old reading this book. I stopped, went and took a hot bath trying to control the tears that just wouldn't stop. It didn't help-so I curled up in bed and kept reading. Isaac came in to tell me goodnight and he curled up in bed with me and just put his arms around my neck and laid there with me. He never said anything except "are you thinking about the twins?" I just nod my head and kept on crying. He told me goodnight and we swapped I Love you's and he went to bed. I cried so hard that night for such a long time, my eyes are still hurting. Cris came to bed around midnight and we turned on the TV and watched multiple episodes of Criminal minds before we went to bed only to be up just a few short hours after that. Of course the very 1st thing I thought of was....Today (saturday @ the time) is 3 months. That started my day. It ended my day also. We had a great dinner with friends and I drank myself into a great sleep Saturday night-The boys stayed with my in-laws this Saturday night so we were able to sleep in this morning. I'm not sure if an empty mind is a good thing or a bad thing for me right now. Anyway, I think I will stay out of a reality for a little while longer. I'm feeling kind of like this week is going to be a really difficult one. I'm struggling emotionally. I would rather be @ home, with Cris and the boys and not trying to distract myself @ work because honestly, work feels like such a burden right now. I just want to be with my family. That's it....
Those that know me, know that I live via text messaging. I hate talking on the phone-i LOATHE it actually. I would rather have a 10 hour conversation by texting than sit 2 minutes on the phone. I just don't like it. At all...
In August, my texting went out for some reason on my cell. We were on vacation, so it really wasn't a HUGE deal-but I did spend 2 hours one night from the hotel room on the phone. After they couldn't fix it-they send me a new phone. The new phone worked about 6 weeks before it happened again. This time a level 3 verizon tech said take it to the store for some kind of softare upgrade. If that didn't work, they would send me a new phone. LOng & Short of it is, it did not work and the verizon lady was a total "b" and by the time I left, she was in tears and my blood pressure was probably stroke level. However, a new phone was heading my direction yet again. Well...this time, it made it 10 days-yesterday afternoon-my texts stopped again. I did call Verizon and stumped them, yet again-so a new MODEL of phone is now headed my direction. This time however, I really didn't care that my phone stopped working. I turned it off this morning and haven't given it one tiny thought. So today-I disconnected myself from reality.
My hopes for a distraction yesterday didn't happen. We were busy-but I was never able to take my mind from the twins. Just like most days I suppose. We were surrounded by people-surrounded by social activity and all I wanted to do was crawl in some big deep hole. I was not in the mood whatsoever to be around anyone-at all.
Friday night was a horrific night. I started reading a book that my sister sent me titled " I will carry you" It is about a Christian woman and her husband who is a Christian musician. They had 3 daughters after 1 miscarraige. Then on her 5th pregnancy (also a girl) they found out mid way through that the daughter was "incompatible with life" because of some symptoms she had in the womb. They had to make a decision to continue with the pregnancy or deliver early knowing she would not survive. I feel certain I would have made the same decision they made to continue the pregnancy, but this book is about their greif, their struggle and how they've overcome that horrible things they've been through. Our situations are different as in they knew for 14 weeks what was going to come of Audrey, their daughter. We knew for a whole 6 hours before Ian and Owen were born. ANyway, I came home Friday in an already anxious mood. We had dinner and everyone in our house kind if separated to their own space for awhile. I curled up in my Boys chairs that I love so much and started this book. Within about 45 minutes, I was sobbing like a 2 year old reading this book. I stopped, went and took a hot bath trying to control the tears that just wouldn't stop. It didn't help-so I curled up in bed and kept reading. Isaac came in to tell me goodnight and he curled up in bed with me and just put his arms around my neck and laid there with me. He never said anything except "are you thinking about the twins?" I just nod my head and kept on crying. He told me goodnight and we swapped I Love you's and he went to bed. I cried so hard that night for such a long time, my eyes are still hurting. Cris came to bed around midnight and we turned on the TV and watched multiple episodes of Criminal minds before we went to bed only to be up just a few short hours after that. Of course the very 1st thing I thought of was....Today (saturday @ the time) is 3 months. That started my day. It ended my day also. We had a great dinner with friends and I drank myself into a great sleep Saturday night-The boys stayed with my in-laws this Saturday night so we were able to sleep in this morning. I'm not sure if an empty mind is a good thing or a bad thing for me right now. Anyway, I think I will stay out of a reality for a little while longer. I'm feeling kind of like this week is going to be a really difficult one. I'm struggling emotionally. I would rather be @ home, with Cris and the boys and not trying to distract myself @ work because honestly, work feels like such a burden right now. I just want to be with my family. That's it....
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