Life After

Grief is a physically and emotionally exhausting thing.   By that I mean, there are days when my entire body feels like a big knot. I feel like I’ve been hit by a dump truck and I can say that with confidence because I HAVE been hit by a dump truck! (That was what happened in our 2009 wreck-whole other story!) If you’ve not experience true emotional grief, then you have no clue what I am describing here. I myself am learning this as I go. Everyone associates grief with tears and depression. It’s so much more than that. It’s staying up all night, crying until your eyes feel like they are so raw they could bleed. It’s feeling like you’ve got weights on your chest. Its looking outside & seeing rain when it’s 90 degrees and sunny! I realize this seems a little strange to describe it this way, but when you’re in this stage of grief…this IS what it’s like. You live in your own tiny world surrounded by nothing but dark clouds, awful feelings and guilt. Well, maybe not everyone ex...

A lot of people often ask how Isaac and Caleb are dealing with the loss of Ian & Owen. I thought I would take this blog opportunity to share that response. If you read this and you know our family, you know that Isaac is by far, the more emotion child in the family. Caleb is very "this is how it is" and that's that. Isaac is a little more inquisitive and feels much more sympathetic with normal emotions than Caleb is. I remember very vividly the day that this happened. We had to wake the boys up quickly on that Friday Morning & get them in the car with no breakfast and basically not even really awake. I was relatively calm, just in some minor pain. So, they didn't really know anything was wrong. When they were brought to the hospital that night, Isaac came in and saw me holding Ian & Owen and he started grinning from ear to ear. Mind you-time lines don't really resonate with them because 9 months and 9 days are about the same in their world.! =) Isaa...

Allow me to get religious for a second-or anti-religious, depending on how you read this....=/ Take it as you wish- I am NOW a firm believer that you should be ultra careful what you pray for. I've heard that saying all my life. "don't pray for patience, you will be tested". There is a song called "Hosanna" that I used to really like. There is a part of the song that says " Break my heart for what breaks yours". This song was often a form of prayer for me, as I have never felt like a strong woman of prayer. My worship time was usually though music. If you know me well, you know I stopped going to church my senior year in high school for MANY reasons, but I grew up in church. Sundays, Wednesdays, mission trips, music, outreach, ministries, VBS, you name it, I was involved in it. I'm not going into the entire list of things that led to my decision to stop going, but it took me 9 years to feel comfortable enough to step foot in a church again. I...

I took a break from reality today. Those that know me, know that I live via text messaging. I hate talking on the phone-i LOATHE it actually. I would rather have a 10 hour conversation by texting than sit 2 minutes on the phone. I just don't like it. At all... In August, my texting went out for some reason on my cell. We were on vacation, so it really wasn't a HUGE deal-but I did spend 2 hours one night from the hotel room on the phone. After they couldn't fix it-they send me a new phone. The new phone worked about 6 weeks before it happened again. This time a level 3 verizon tech said take it to the store for some kind of softare upgrade. If that didn't work, they would send me a new phone. LOng & Short of it is, it did not work and the verizon lady was a total "b" and by the time I left, she was in tears and my blood pressure was probably stroke level. However, a new phone was heading my direction yet again. Well...this time, it made it 10 days-yester...

To my dear sweet Angels, I guess you know how much I think of you everyday. Every second of every moment you are on my minds, but I am sure you know that. Your sweet faces make me smile. Now days, that's about all that makes me smile. Ian, When I look at your daddy or your oldest brother Isaac, I see you-In my dreams, I see you so clearly. I didn't get to see your eyes when you were born because you were too young. You were so smart to keep your eyes closed away from this horrible cruel world. But in my dreams, your eyes are the most beautiful Crystal blue. They shine in the sunshine, just like your smile. You got your eyes from your daddy, he has beautiful eyes too! You have such perfect blonde hair with curls-you got the blond from me, but the curls, you got honestly from both of us. You look just like Isaac did when he was tiny like you. In my dreams at night, you are such a laid back spirit just like Isaac. You love to read and you're so inquisitve about small detai...

There is no greater tragedy in life than the loss of a child. Unfortunately, because our babies live only within our wombs or they live outside of the womb for a short period of time, an uneducated society often minimizes the importance of their short lives and, in turn, our grief is trivialized…. That’s a really good way to describe how I feel this week. I feel alone-I feel like no one can understand what I am dealing with. Not even Cris. Although-he has admitted several times that it’s different for us. He didn’t spend the time feeling them move like I did because they were inside of my body, not his. He’s been very compassionate to that fact. He’s also admitted that emotions his me, differently than they hit him. He’s had a really rough time too, but I think time has been on his side a little more than it has mine. Those 2 angels consume my thoughts and my every breath every second of the day. Somedays, I feel like I’ve taken a GIANT leap backwards in the healing process. Th...

Today was a rough day. This week has been an emotional week too! 90 days ago, my life was fulfilled. I am so close to the 3 month anniversary of the birth and death of my youngest children. My emotions are all over the place. My motivation this week has been non existant and my excitement for things is simply not there. I am feeling right now like I am floating through life just numb. I think by now, the rawness should have worn off, but it hasn't I've felt more connected lately to the way I felt in the hospital. It has felt so real all over again. I've got a lot of stressful things around me right now, so it is intensifying my anxiety about the twins. I  realize this is probably the shortest blog I've done, but this week, the words just aren't coming to me. I'm feeling overwhelmed, sad, anxious and alone. Some of the people that I assumed would continue to be a support group, haven't been. However, it proves my previous feelings about religion and church,...

When you see someone wearing tiny rings around their neck, or on a charm bracelet; I’d be willing to bet they are the victims of Pregnancy/Infant Loss. They do not disburse these rings to people that have delivered perfectly normal and healthy children. I will try to explain this, but it probably won’t make a lot of sense to most of you. Those rings symbolize such a happy time in this persons’ life. It symbolizes that they are a mother. They are a mother to living children, angels or both. Regardless this woman is a mother. This ring also symbolizes the enormous hole in their heart and soul.   Which, you can imagine, is not a happy memory. Regardless, these teeny tiny little rings symbolize so many emotions, memories and feelings just hanging around this mothers neck. Lets be clear-these rings are not stylish. They are not there to make a statement about any fashion trend. They normally are worn around an old falling apart chain, because that mother just wanted to get those ri...

Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed. A friend of mine posted this early on facebook. I read it once. I read it again. Then I read it a 3rd time. SO MANY truths are in this one sentence. Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had-Perfect example, being a woman that has experienced the loss of her child-there is a strength that follows that burden. I can't tell you how many times, friends, relatives or people that just heard out story said " You have got to be the strongest person I know". Well, that's absolutely NOT the fact-believe me. In fact, I am very weak in this situation, but Ive been given the strength from somewhere to maintain my composure (most of the time) through this. Dealing with fears you didn't know existed-Yea-that's 100% true. Everytime Isaac steps onto the soccer field (tonight is a PERFECT example) and takes fall after fa...

**pregnancy trigger** This is a not nice comment-so sorry if it offends anyone.. Just for the record-I wish people would stop whining about their pregnancies and how horrible they are and how uncomfortable they are. I wish everyone would just realize how blessed they are to be pregnant. It bothers me to here a 25 week mother to be say "I'm so done with being pregnant". Really?? Are you so done that if your son/daughter were born today and face a lifetime of medical problems, and or not make it at all, you'd be OK with it? Doubtful....please stop complaining about being pregnant and ENJOY EVERY SECOND you have your son/daughter growing inside of you-It's a precious gift that is being taken for granted WAY too often! That is all...

It's amazing that it takes horrific life events to make us wake up & realize the small things are the important things. We've had many life events in our 9 years marraige that have made us realize this, over and over again. Two of the biggest events I can think of on this early morning are our wreck in 2009 and the birth and death of Ian & Owen in June. I am feeling this way this morning, and thinking about the small things, because there is currently something WAY bigger going on around me than my sitting here and mourning my sons. Not that the mourning of Ian & Owen isn't extremely important to me, but at this moment, a friend of mine tops the ranks of my attention. I will not get into any details to protect this family, but they are experiencing a life event that will eventually (and I use that word loosely) make them a stronger, healthier family. They are consuming the minds and hearts of a lot of people right now-which is a really good thing. They are a...

I feel a little guilty admitting this. But, today was not an AWEFUL day! It wasn’t wonderful by any means, but it wasn’t as dark as it’s been for the last 84 days. I think mostly because of how insanely busy we have been this week. Isaac and Caleb having soccer every night of the week. I have had several picture projects going on. My computer crashed, my cell phone crapped out, I have a messy house and piles of dirty laundry & a list of volunteer stuff waiting to be done. In spite of ALL of this “stuff” in my life right now, today just seemed to be a little bit normal. Whatever normal means! When I said I feel guilty saying it-I feel even MORE guilty writing it.   It’s been 84 days. Eighty-four days with a broken heart. Eighty-four days with an empty feeling in my soul. Eighty-four days of waking up, thinking of my babies, spending my day, thinking of my 4 beautiful children, and going to bed, dreaming of my angels. I was on E-bay yesterday and I found this sculpture of an...

You might think I’m strange, but I LIKE talking about Ian & Owen. Just as much as I LIKE talking about Isaac & Caleb. Even though we do not have the memories with the twins, that we do/will have with our oldest 2, they are still our children, and I enjoy talking about them as such. I’ve read several articles lately, written by women that share experiences similar to mine. I realize that I am not the only person that enjoys telling people my story. Cris and I don’t sit @ the dinner table and talk about them. We don’t sit around watching TV talking about them, but we do find ourselves @ odd times in the day, or during other conversations bringing up the “could you imagine this x4” or “could you imagine what this would have been like”. I realize we’re talking in the past tense, and in the make believe present tense, but nonetheless, we still speak of them occasionally. Cris and I have our own way of dealing with things though-and I am more verbal than he is. That’s true in our li...

Satan’s holes open my tormented soul to the light of God’s grace that I, and others, –through my brokenness – more clearly may see His face. So,I found another form of therapy.... It is called-PTA meetings! Somehow, when I attend them, I volunteer for things! =) I love it though-because it's a great way for me to keep my mind busy! I have noticed-as with anyone dealing with any kind of problem-empty minds are a BAD thing. Free time, is a VERY bad thing. Having something to do at all times has been very important for me. So, I am figuring out this year, how to balance my job (which those of you that know me know this can be a challenge most days beacause there is a lot going on currently @ work), 2 boys in soccer, new PTA responsibilities and responsibilities with soccer teams and coordination! Along with a few weddings, some photo shoots, being Maid of honor for my best friend and a host of other things! I'm loving it-I really am. BUt, doing this and grieving are difficu...

The assumption that the further away a horrific event is, the better we we will feel, or the infamous "time will heal" saying.....Those are not true! Just incase you are wondering. That probably is the farthest from the truth honestly. I believe some days, are even worse than the day that Ian & Owen passed away. That is kind of an oxymoron if you think about it though. Ian & Owen being born was the 3rd best day of my life-Of course, Isaac being born was #1, Caleb #2 and Ian & Owen #3-but it was arguably also the WORST of day of my life.....by a long shot. A VERY long shot. It was the best, and the worst day all rolled into one. (and people thought I was a big ball of emotions before June, HAH) The pain comes out of no-where. I can be just fine one minute, and sitting in a puddle of tears 5 minutes later. There are things in my daily life that just trigger the emotion inside of me. The harder part for me to deal with right now, is that some nights, it is diffic...

This was an emotionally taxing weekend... It began with a lot of "energy" on Cris' part & motivation to work on "the room". Friday night, we came home from work & ordered pizza-it's been a LONG time since we've done that. Usually, we are either @ the soccer field, baseball field, running errands, out w/ friends or just OUT-we haven't had any lazy time in quit some time with just the 4 of us. For whatever reason, Cris got some motivation to work on the room downstairs. He worked diligently for HOURS while I went through tons of old pictures and updated all of my frames and hung the rest of my pictures that I'd bought and/or unwrapped from moving back in Febuary but never put up. It was nice to get to spend the time doing those things that needed to be done but had been neglected for one reason or another. Saturday morning, we had to tag-team parent as the boys had soccer games @ different places @ the same time. We met back @ the hou...

  I try really hard NOT to mention names in my blog. Those that I speak about know who they are! I don’t think it’s necessary to smear everyone else’s thoughts/feelings that they share with me all over my blog! =)   Without mentioning names, someone I don’t really know, but I am getting to know, made me feel really good about my writing the other night. She made me feel like I am not alone. Not that I have felt alone, because I certainly have had the family & friends present during this; which I am thankful for. But you see, as I have learned over the past 10 weeks, there are MILLIONS of woman out there, suffering from a “silent” loss or a “silent” miscarriage. By silent, I mean they don’t talk about. Many people that they talk to in their daily lives, don’t even know they have suffered such a loss. It made my heart very happy to hear in ONE DAY-2 different people tell me “Thanks for writing your blog, you are saying things that I have felt for a lo...

Can I just state for the record,   You can not “catch” infant death. Just saying…   I actually had a pregnant acquaintance tell me today that she has not reached out to me because she is worried for her unborn childs safety. Now, I am sure she MEANT that she doesn’t want to “worry” herself into an early delivery by reading or listening to my story-since it IS natural to worry about yourself and the health of your babies when you’re hearing of such terrible news..BUT, the way it was said seemed as if…. “ I am scared I will catch what caused yours”. Wow, really???   So, all I am going to say about this is…you can’t catch it, I promise! =)   Now, to follow up on what I started yesterday….   I was telling my friend Mandy that my blogs must sound to others that I am just in this terrible place right now-feeling nothing but sorry for myself and my family. Please don’t take my writings as such. While I don’t necessarily BLAME myself fo...

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The house we bought in February was a big enough house to accomodate our current family size with the possibility of changing some things around on the downstairs level to make another bedroom if we ever decided we would have more kids. Well, just 2 weeks after moving into this house, we found out we were (you guessed it) about 8 days pregnant. (it's weird, but I knew that I was pregnant on day 2, and I took about 200 home pregnancy tests that week to confirm it was true) We were SO early when we went to the doctor-that absolutely NOTHING was seen on the ultrasound. Blood work confirmed it and another set of bloodwork confirmed it 2 days later-but it wasn't until I was 9 week, that anything could be seen on the ultrasound. Anyway-WHen we found out, Cris IMMEDIATELY started plans for the downstairs, which walls to build, which ones to take down, which way to lay out the new rooms and hallways. This room however, is 2 levels away from our room, so we were not about to put a nurs...

Today has been a "day dream" kind of day...unfortunately. Over the past few weeks I have managed to go from sleeping OK through the night & having rough days, to having mostly rough days AND rough nights. I kept telling everyone @ the hospital (friends and family) that I was going to need an entire bag of narcotics to get me through that day. But, suprisingly, I did just fine that day and just about everyday that followed-up until the past 10 days or so. For whatever reason, the more time that passes, the more difficult things have become. Days are longer and more of a struggle. NIghts are even longer than the days. It's gotten to the point of feeling physical pain so badly in my neck, head and shoulders that I am crippled with the pain by the time night gets here. Emotionally, i can still go the whole day without crying, but it's almost like it's inside of me and trapped, unable to come out. I FEEL like sitting down and crying this house into one big puddle o...

Well, Let me start by apologizing for anyone that I will inevitably offend in this posting. I have tried to not say anything for the last few days while seeing other peoples posts....but I just can't hold my tounge anymore. WHY do people think it's funny to make believe they are pregnant by playing that new silly game on facebook? For those of you that haven't yet seen it, it's a posting going around that says " I am _______and I am craving _________". I'm not even sure what the PURPOSE is but I assume it's similar to the last years game of bra colors or shoe sizes or whatever it was. However, do people not see how hurtful it is to post something like this? WHat a horrible reminder it is for those mof us who have lost a child, or those that suffer from infertility....I have several close friends that have lost one or multiple children, and I have more friends who suffer from not being able to conceive. I can't even fathom which is worse, but I do...