I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off. I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, becau...
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Stuff just SUCKS... Let's be real here. It just sucks. No sugar coating, no bells and whistles, no pretty bows...stuff just SUCKS! "losing a child changes your entire life" You know what I have to say to that?? No SHIT SHERLOCK! I've had more weak moments in the last month then I care to talk about. I can't even count now on one hand how many instances have taken places over the last 19 months that have significantly changed my life. I look back and see this spiral that keeps going and going with no end in sight. It's just this long train of emotions that is up and down and sideways! Some days it seems to come to a complete hault and I am numb to every bad situation that happens. Some days, I am overly sensitive to the smallest of things. I was never one to believe that people can drastically change over the course of time. I was the dilusional and naive child that believed you fall in love with the core of a human being. Their actions and reaction...
I need control..... We are getting into the Holiday season now and this year it carries an entirely different meaning for me than it did even last year. I sat here today beside Isaac watching him sleep as we are both recovering from the flu and it hit me that this time 11 years ago, I was lying in a hospital bed in the middle of a 4 day labor process waiting for my little bundle of joy to be born. I was scared to death, as my labor was induced due to my blood pressure. Isaac wasn't due for another 2 weeks. It was dark in my room, I had no idea what I was getting into and I was excited and very very nervous. Cris and I were not married at the time but both of our families were there waiting on the birth of their first nephew & Grandson. I remember sleeping a lot and I remember a lot of drugs being pumped into my arms for days on end it seemed like. Saturday night around 9pm we were at the point of making some decisions. Isaac wasn't willing to budge and I had been in lab...
I am broken. I deal with things in writing, as I am sure you've figured out by now. I can sit and type for hours and feel a million times better by the end of it. This blog gives me the outlet that I have found so necessary in my healing "process". What is so hard for me right now, is the things going on around me are not things I can vent about in my blog. I must write them personally and not share them. To me, part of this process has been to SHARE. For me, having people read my story and feel this pain I feel in the depths of my heart, has been encouraging to me. I have met some amazing people and have made some friends that I can't even remember what my life was like without them. I have been given so many opportunities to give to the community and to be apart of some others lives as they are going through this horrible journey. Many times, people would tell me " one day you may or may not know a REASON for this loss". I can tell you now, after 17 ...
Tonight is the night I've been waiting for, for quit some time now. Tonight is breakdown night! I got on the computer-trying to find some comfort, peace, or even something to trigger the tears, because they have been sitting at a distance just waiting for the time when I can spend 5 minutes to fall apart. This is the first thing I ran into: While I Am not sure if this song was written for a greiving mother, or as a Christian song speaking of Jesus, to me, it had so many deep emotional meanings. The lyrics are as follows I'm down on my knees again tonight Hoping this prayer will turn out right. See there is a boy that needs your help I've done all that I can do myself. HIs mother is tired, I'm sure you can understand Each night as he sleeps, she goes into hold his hand and she tries, not to cry, as the tears fill her eyes Can you hear me? Am I getting through tonight? Can you see him? Can you make him feel alright? If you can hear me, let me take his...
I hate how hard some days are… I long to hold a baby It’s hard. It’s emotional. It makes my heart hurt. I have pregnant friends and family members. It’s hard-I have a hard time supporting and listening to their stories. It’s at no fault of their own but it doesn’t make it less hard on my heart. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my friend lately. I won’t call her by name on my blog because it is a public blog and I don’t want to “incriminate” her. She & her fantastic family have been a wonderful distraction for me lately. She’s given me the chance to remember how I felt years and years ago before the “real world” made me what I am now. Today has been a “cry all day” kind of day. I’ve been so used to having Cris around the last several months since he left his previous job, that his going back to work and traveling has been really tough emotionally. He has been really the only person I’ve spent all of my waking hou...
Here’s a big surprise for you….. It still hurts! Yes, time passes and lives move on, but it still hurts. Deeply I have learned a lot about myself in the last 15 months. I have learned a lot about the people in my life too, and a lot about the ones I do not want in my life. There is the old saying about “Maybe it’s not everyone else, maybe it’s you”. Well, maybe it is me! But if it is me, I am OK with that. Yes, I’ve changed. Yes, my ability to care deeply about things has gone out the window. Yes, my tolerance for stupid is far less than it was a year ago and YES, I don’t forgive easily and I don’t take the time to sort things out when there seems to be a miscommunication because I have learned, that if I said it out Loud, I more than likely meant it. The same things still bother me & some days much more than other days. I’ve had a lot more “woosaa” days l...
I’m going to start this blog by apologizing that I haven’t written in some time. There have been numerous reasons for the absence, but mostly because I felt like it was important to step back for a few weeks and distract myself from the constant reminder that is my normal life. One year ago, when I started writing this blog (which was literally a year ago this month), I never dreamed of how the last year would have been for our family. Not only was I mourning the death of Ian & Owen as it was so fresh on my heart this time last year, but I also didn’t realize that I was also in preparation to deal with yet another loss, of yet another beautiful angel boy. A Part of me feels so very blessed, so be the mother of 5 handsome little boys and A part of me feels sad that 3 of them only knew this cruel world for such a short time. The other rest of my feeling range from anger towards God, which I’ve made no secret, anger towards myself, which I’ve made no secre...
I will not twist your arm, and make you read this-Be forewarned, this is MY SPACE to rant today-I need it, I want it, and I’m going to do it. Please do not take anything that I say personally, unless of course, you just want to. I am not speaking of ANY ONE SPECIFIC PERSON here, please know this. These are things that have been weighing on my mind for WEEKS, and some even months, and even some more recent. Do NOT correct my child…..I do not mean, EVER…I mean, while I am standing there, listening and hearing it happen and you feel the need to remove my child and correct him. Period. Point Blank. Keep your hands off my kid. My kids are 10 and 7, as most of my friends have kids around this age. Some of my friends do not yet HAVE children, yet they still have more respect and understanding for my kids than some that have children do. When a 7 year old jumps into the middle and interrupts, remember, he is SEVEN. It’s MY option to discuss that behavior right then and there, later,...
I think it's possible that a side effect of losing a child is PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) I am not taking this lightly either-so please do not think I am making any kind of fun of this horrible disease- I had my dreaded MRI yesterday. I took a nerve pill before going in, because the sense of squeezing something the size of a watermelon into something the size of an orange (yes, that is a metaphore for ME and the MACHINE)-just makes me sick to my stomach. The noise does not bother me, the REASON I am there does not bother me. It's the laying flat on a table, stuffed into a machine that I can't get out of that makes me nervous. Yesterday though, I made it into the room without dying, I made it into the machine without dying. (thank GOD for the new OPEN Mri machines, it's not as bad as the old ones). I got my little headphones on, the process started and I (the moron) opened my eyes. LIKE AN IDIOT I looked up @ the lights outside of the machine-and IMMEDIA...
I have certainly learned the graceful art of just keeping my mouth shut during the last year- Yes, believe it or not, as vocal as I often am, I have kept SO MANY THINGS to myself that I would love to say. There are many issues I'd love to call some people out on. So many things I'd like to say to some when I just can't take it anymore, and so many situations that grate at my every single nerve, but I just choose turn a blind eye. I love my husband. My dear, sweet, level headed, wonderfully hearted husband. He puts up with so much-he gets the complete brunt of all of my bitch sessions and never once complains. He is so supportive, even when he just doesn't care- My best friend Brandi and I were talking today about how nice it would be to go back in time, to be innocent minded, and know NOTHING of this life of pain and hurt. How special would it be to be an adult, to be innocent to the world? To LOVE OTHERS the way a child does? To not know deep true pain and suffer...
Everyone needs compassion, a love that's never failing. Let Mercy fall on me. Everyone needs forgiveness, the kidness of a savior, the hope of Nations. Savior, He can move the mountains, My God is mightly to save. He is Mighty to save. Forever, author of salvation, he rose & conquored the grave, Jesus conquored the grave. Take my as you find me, all my fears and failures, Fill my life again Give my life to follow, and everything i believe in, now I surrender. I surrender..... Savior he can move the mountains, My God is mightly to save, he is mighty to save. Forever, author of salvation, he rose and conquored the grave, Jesus conquored the grave. Shine your light and let the whole world see, Singing, for the glory of the RISEN king. Jesus, shine your light and let the whole world see, singing for the glory of the RISEN KING. Savior he can move the mountains, My god is mighty to save, he is MIGHTY TO SAVE. Forever, author of salvation, he rose & conquored the grave,...
It is certainly not the natural order of life to bury one's child. I read a great thing, that is stuck in my head and sums up so much how I feel. "when you lose a parent, you lose your past; When a child dies, you lose your future" I truly believe that the pain of a bereaved parent is the most intense and deeply intense pain. Not that I would at ALL be ok if I lost my parents, or my "in law" parents-I am fortunate enough to have ALL of my parents alive. I do not know the pain of losing a parent and for so many obvious reasons, I do hope I never have to know this pain. I can tell you though, so many things about losing a child, yet I can tell you nothing all at the same time. There is nothing more debilitating than looking into the sweet face of your son taking his final breath. There is nothing more emotional than hearing the words, "your child will die". There is also nothing that causes such determination as those same words. Determinied ...
12 months ago at this moment, everyone had left for the evening and Cris and I sat silently and tearfully in a room holding both of your boys that had just an hours before had beautifully beating hearts. Now, 12 months later, I sit here watching him put a new fan in the "what would have been the twins" nursery. On this day, their day of birth & death, we are in a completely different place than we were at this point with them 366 days ago. Yes, I meant 366-It's leap year! =) I have prepared, dreaded, and had major anxiety and panic about this day for weeks, even months really. For some reason today, I am at peace. I have explained before, that I was strangly at peace when Dr. F shared with us at 7am that morning, that by the end of the day, we would hold our babies and say goodbye. Today, I feel peace, but a different kind of peace. I am so thankful that I haven't had a day full of panic and anxiety. I made the decision many weeks ago, that on this day, I w...
Can you believe that it's been almost a year since Ian & Owen were born? This time 12 months ago, I was blissfully in a daze excited about being a mommy of twin boys. This was actually right about the time that we found out both Baby A & Baby B were boys. Little did I know that in just a few short days, my HEALTHY boys would be born into this horrible cruel world. Ian was glad to show us quickly that he was indeed a boy, and very proud of it. Owen was quieter, a little more shy, and wanted to sit down on his bottom the entire time during ALL of my ultrasounds. We were only about 90% sure he was a boy before he was born. I was fortunate enough to have my mom, mother in law and sister in law in the room with us when we had our 20 week ultrasound, so they were able to see their grandsons and nephews alive, well & active. I was more than blessed to have my SISTER be the very first to see the twins as she stood by my side (Cris too of course) while they were born. ...
Today, a very special friend of mine is "honoring" 5 years since she lost her little girl Peyton. This special friend has been so involved in the loss of Ian, Owen & Maddox and was often the ONLY person that I spoke to about anything. We used to work for the same company, but in different states. Shortly after I came on board, she accepted a job elsewhere, so when we worked in the same company, I did not really KNOW her. We were brought together after the loss of the twins, and I am forever grateful for her presence in my life. She drove in 8 inches of snow in flip flops at 12 midnight when I texted her that I was headed to the hospital for Maddox, THREE HOURS she drove in the middle of the night and THIS was the 1st time we actually met in person. She has been a major source of support and love and I can honestly say, I could not have made it this far without her in my life. There have been MANY MANY of you like this in my life, but today, I am going to honor her and h...