I hate how hard some days are…
I long to hold a baby
It’s hard. It’s emotional. It
makes my heart hurt.
I have pregnant friends and
family members. It’s hard-I have a hard time supporting and listening to their
stories. It’s at no fault of their own but it doesn’t make it less hard on my
heart.
I’ve been spending a lot of time
with my friend lately. I won’t call her by name on my blog because it is a
public blog and I don’t want to “incriminate” her. She & her fantastic
family have been a wonderful distraction for me lately. She’s given me the
chance to remember how I felt years and years ago before the “real world” made
me what I am now.
Today has been a “cry all day”
kind of day. I’ve been so used to having Cris around the last several months
since he left his previous job, that his going back to work and traveling has
been really tough emotionally. He has been really the only person I’ve spent
all of my waking hours with, he’s been my support, and he’s been my rock. His
being gone is really hard on my heart. I think having a break from each other
is always a good thing for any marriage. The 1st week was seamless.
The 2nd week wasn’t so bad. But last night, I had a really hard time
when he left. Of course, I’ve been so wrapped up in being silly w/ my friend,
that I’ve been able to push things to the back burner for a while. While that
was NICE-I feel that I am paying for that a little bit now.
I had a religious conversation
with a co-worker today. I’ve been by myself at work a lot b/c we have some
traveling employees for the company right now. I often hook up my iphone and
listen to my itunes when I am by myself b/c I need to have noise! Well, “Mighty
to save” came on. It took him a second, but he did make a comment about “Are
YOU listening to religious music?” I do love this song. However, I am still so angry with God, that it
doesn’t touch my heart like it used to. My co-worker made it very clear that I
am obviously making BABY steps. (Yea, baby was the word I wanted to hear).
October is Breast Cancer
awareness month. Many of my extended family (my husbands family) has been
effected by cancer. While this cause is so worth mentioning and so very
important, it is ALSO Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month.
I had big plans this year when I
went through a small spurt of “healing”
to hose a “walk to remember”. Guess what…I lost interest and hope in
doing it really quickly. I’m just not ready. I see babies and I long to hold
them, but I’m not ready. I am so happy for my
expecting family and friends, but I am not ready……I am not ready to
accept and be OK with it. I realize this
is NOT about me. It’s about them, and it’s about their families and their happiness.
But my heart just breaks with every thought of it.
This blog is all over the place.
I have a lot on my heart and mind that have been there for too long. I’ve not
blogged because I just can’t put anything into words anymore. Last night, while
I was sitting alone on the computer finishing some work @ home, My tears just
started to flow because all of the sudden I could feel my babies in my arms.
All 3 of them. I could see Maddox’s little arms and feet. I could see Ian and
Owen pushing towards each other when we separated them as we looked them over
head to toe so that we could remember them for years to come. Somedays I feel
like I can’t remember anything…but last night, I really remembered. I sat there
for I know at least an hour and just stared at nothing.
I miss my boys. I miss being a
mom to young kids. I am missing something so big in my life.
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