Tonight is the night I've been waiting for, for quit some time now.
Tonight is breakdown night!
I got on the computer-trying to find some comfort, peace, or even something to trigger the tears, because they have been sitting at a distance just waiting for the time when I can spend 5 minutes to fall apart.
This is the first thing I ran into:
While I Am not sure if this song was written for a greiving mother, or as a Christian song speaking of Jesus, to me, it had so many deep emotional meanings. The lyrics are as follows
I'm down on my knees again tonight
Hoping this prayer will turn out right.
See there is a boy that needs your help
I've done all that I can do myself.
HIs mother is tired, I'm sure you can understand
Each night as he sleeps, she goes into hold his hand
and she tries, not to cry, as the tears fill her eyes
Can you hear me? Am I getting through tonight?
Can you see him? Can you make him feel alright?
If you can hear me, let me take his place somehow. See he's not just anyone, He's my son!
Sometimes late @ night, I watch him sleep.
I dream of the boy he'd like to be
I try to be strong and see him through. But God all he needs right now is you.
Let him grow old, Live life without this fear.
What would I be, living without him here? He's so tired, and he's scared, let him know.....
that you're there-
Can you hear me? Am I getting through tonight?
Can you see him? Can you make him feel alright? If you can hear me, Let me take his place somehow....See he's not just anyone,
HE'S MY SON!
Oh this song just tears me apart from the inside out! While I am sure it's written in a biblical sense about Mary's faith in God, and her tortured heart when JEsus was taken so dreadfully from this sinful earth, It speaks volumes to the heart of a greiving mother.
The part that just rips my heart into a million pieces is "He's not just anyone, he's my son". Oh how I feel that way about my 3 angel boys. They aren't just any children. They are MY SONS. They were strong, beautiful boys and I would have so gladly taken their place if it was possible. I would have given my last breath for the 3 of them, if I honestly thought it would help.
I remember so vividly sitting in the hospital bed holding Ian and Owen and each breath I took seemed to be in slow motion because I wanted so badly with all of my being to KNOW that they knew how loved their were. I felt so lost, empty and guilty because I had no way to know for sure in my heart that those boys KNEW I was their mother, that I loved them, and I would have given anything in this world to be able to save them. I felt so helpless as I held them as they their hearts stopped beating. As a mom, I should have been able to do SOMETHING, to do anything to be what they needed in this world.
I never thought there would be a feeling worse, until February with we heard the exact same " I'm sorry" from the doctors and nurses. That feeling was so raw and similar to the feeling we felt just 8 months earlier.
I've tried for over a year now to understand, to let go, to heal, or to do something...but deep in my heart, the outward smiles just HIDE what is truly there....Tonight is THAT night, that the tears just flow.
I miss my husband while he's traveling for work. I miss my sons while they are doing whatever they are doing in heaven. I miss who I used to be. I miss so many things in my life that I can't seem to hang on to, or grasp anymore.
Tomorrow is THE DAY I dread now each year, but that I also look forward to. It's National Remembrance Day-Where those of that are grieving parents get to remember our babies (not that we ever forget). It's an extremely emotional day! But it's also a comforting day, because I know there are many parents out there, doing the same thing that I am. I've DREADED this day. It makes me feel SO alone. It makes me feel so heavy hearted and weak.
If you read this, I urge you to wear pink or blue tomorrow (15th) to remember and support those families that go through this HELL everyday...for the rest.of.our.lives.
Tonight is breakdown night!
I got on the computer-trying to find some comfort, peace, or even something to trigger the tears, because they have been sitting at a distance just waiting for the time when I can spend 5 minutes to fall apart.
This is the first thing I ran into:
While I Am not sure if this song was written for a greiving mother, or as a Christian song speaking of Jesus, to me, it had so many deep emotional meanings. The lyrics are as follows
I'm down on my knees again tonight
Hoping this prayer will turn out right.
See there is a boy that needs your help
I've done all that I can do myself.
HIs mother is tired, I'm sure you can understand
Each night as he sleeps, she goes into hold his hand
and she tries, not to cry, as the tears fill her eyes
Can you hear me? Am I getting through tonight?
Can you see him? Can you make him feel alright?
If you can hear me, let me take his place somehow. See he's not just anyone, He's my son!
Sometimes late @ night, I watch him sleep.
I dream of the boy he'd like to be
I try to be strong and see him through. But God all he needs right now is you.
Let him grow old, Live life without this fear.
What would I be, living without him here? He's so tired, and he's scared, let him know.....
that you're there-
Can you hear me? Am I getting through tonight?
Can you see him? Can you make him feel alright? If you can hear me, Let me take his place somehow....See he's not just anyone,
HE'S MY SON!
Oh this song just tears me apart from the inside out! While I am sure it's written in a biblical sense about Mary's faith in God, and her tortured heart when JEsus was taken so dreadfully from this sinful earth, It speaks volumes to the heart of a greiving mother.
The part that just rips my heart into a million pieces is "He's not just anyone, he's my son". Oh how I feel that way about my 3 angel boys. They aren't just any children. They are MY SONS. They were strong, beautiful boys and I would have so gladly taken their place if it was possible. I would have given my last breath for the 3 of them, if I honestly thought it would help.
I remember so vividly sitting in the hospital bed holding Ian and Owen and each breath I took seemed to be in slow motion because I wanted so badly with all of my being to KNOW that they knew how loved their were. I felt so lost, empty and guilty because I had no way to know for sure in my heart that those boys KNEW I was their mother, that I loved them, and I would have given anything in this world to be able to save them. I felt so helpless as I held them as they their hearts stopped beating. As a mom, I should have been able to do SOMETHING, to do anything to be what they needed in this world.
I never thought there would be a feeling worse, until February with we heard the exact same " I'm sorry" from the doctors and nurses. That feeling was so raw and similar to the feeling we felt just 8 months earlier.
I've tried for over a year now to understand, to let go, to heal, or to do something...but deep in my heart, the outward smiles just HIDE what is truly there....Tonight is THAT night, that the tears just flow.
I miss my husband while he's traveling for work. I miss my sons while they are doing whatever they are doing in heaven. I miss who I used to be. I miss so many things in my life that I can't seem to hang on to, or grasp anymore.
Tomorrow is THE DAY I dread now each year, but that I also look forward to. It's National Remembrance Day-Where those of that are grieving parents get to remember our babies (not that we ever forget). It's an extremely emotional day! But it's also a comforting day, because I know there are many parents out there, doing the same thing that I am. I've DREADED this day. It makes me feel SO alone. It makes me feel so heavy hearted and weak.
If you read this, I urge you to wear pink or blue tomorrow (15th) to remember and support those families that go through this HELL everyday...for the rest.of.our.lives.
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