I am broken.
I deal with things in writing, as I am sure you've figured out by now. I can sit and type for hours and feel a million times better by the end of it. This blog gives me the outlet that I have found so necessary in my healing "process".
What is so hard for me right now, is the things going on around me are not things I can vent about in my blog. I must write them personally and not share them. To me, part of this process has been to SHARE. For me, having people read my story and feel this pain I feel in the depths of my heart, has been encouraging to me. I have met some amazing people and have made some friends that I can't even remember what my life was like without them. I have been given so many opportunities to give to the community and to be apart of some others lives as they are going through this horrible journey.
Many times, people would tell me " one day you may or may not know a REASON for this loss". I can tell you now, after 17 months and burying 3 children in that time-frame, that part of the reason is strength. I am sitting now, in the middle of a journey I didn't want to be part of in the 1st place and I see now that at least SOME of the reason behind losing Ian, Owen and Maddox was to indeed teach me patience and strength so that while I am going through this new journey, I will be better prepared.
I am not in a position right now to "share" this journey. But I can and will talk about my feelings here. I will talk about my regrets, my weaknesses, and my anger. I will talk about my viewpoint and I will talk about my failures.
I am dealing with a horrible amount of guilt right now for something I had no control over. Starting first and fore-most with the twins. Maybe if I could have held on to them a little longer and gotten to a viable point in my prengnacy, I wouldn't be sitting here right now writing about all of my new normal. I blame myself DAILY for how things have turned out. All things in my life that is. My relationship with Isaac and Caleb. My relationships with my friends, my relationships with my family. I am ASHAMED and burdened around my family both my own parents and Cris' parents and families because ultimately, it was my body that failed. It was my infection, my inability to hold on....That ONE ISSUE in my life turned everyone else's life upside down.
If I wasn't so consumed with my own healing, I could have seen that others around me weren't healing and then maybe all the issues that have come from not dealing with the losses wouldn't have happened. I've learned now that my decisions on how I am going to deal with this were probably only benefiting myself, and not everyone else.
I am not strong. I am not cut out to go through everything that GOD is throwing at me. I am not this person. I am not able to keep my head afloat right now. It feels like all of my decisions are being made for me. Everyone is going at full speed ahead and I am seeing everything in slow motion.
I feel like I am drowning and no one even sees it. Everyone is so concerned about everybody else and I feel like I am standing in quick sand. It's amazing how when you think someone is there for you always...it's times of trouble that you figure out who really is there....
I feel like I need a second to think and for everyone to stop asking so many questions...but then I feel like I am just floating through life right now and no one sees me.
I am not only speaking of the losses in this blog. I am speaking about LIFE AFTER loss and how hard things are, even 17 months after the first death. My life is hard. This life is moving at a snails pace yet it feels like I am missing so much out of the precious lives of Isaac and Caleb. I've given 110% of myself to my sons and to my family (or so I feel) yet I feel that I am missing SO much. I feel that I can only be so strong for so long before I am going to just break in two. I can only be so passive and take so much more. I can't continue forgiving, and loving, and living this way. It's hard. I am broken & it just plain sucks.
I deal with things in writing, as I am sure you've figured out by now. I can sit and type for hours and feel a million times better by the end of it. This blog gives me the outlet that I have found so necessary in my healing "process".
What is so hard for me right now, is the things going on around me are not things I can vent about in my blog. I must write them personally and not share them. To me, part of this process has been to SHARE. For me, having people read my story and feel this pain I feel in the depths of my heart, has been encouraging to me. I have met some amazing people and have made some friends that I can't even remember what my life was like without them. I have been given so many opportunities to give to the community and to be apart of some others lives as they are going through this horrible journey.
Many times, people would tell me " one day you may or may not know a REASON for this loss". I can tell you now, after 17 months and burying 3 children in that time-frame, that part of the reason is strength. I am sitting now, in the middle of a journey I didn't want to be part of in the 1st place and I see now that at least SOME of the reason behind losing Ian, Owen and Maddox was to indeed teach me patience and strength so that while I am going through this new journey, I will be better prepared.
I am not in a position right now to "share" this journey. But I can and will talk about my feelings here. I will talk about my regrets, my weaknesses, and my anger. I will talk about my viewpoint and I will talk about my failures.
I am dealing with a horrible amount of guilt right now for something I had no control over. Starting first and fore-most with the twins. Maybe if I could have held on to them a little longer and gotten to a viable point in my prengnacy, I wouldn't be sitting here right now writing about all of my new normal. I blame myself DAILY for how things have turned out. All things in my life that is. My relationship with Isaac and Caleb. My relationships with my friends, my relationships with my family. I am ASHAMED and burdened around my family both my own parents and Cris' parents and families because ultimately, it was my body that failed. It was my infection, my inability to hold on....That ONE ISSUE in my life turned everyone else's life upside down.
If I wasn't so consumed with my own healing, I could have seen that others around me weren't healing and then maybe all the issues that have come from not dealing with the losses wouldn't have happened. I've learned now that my decisions on how I am going to deal with this were probably only benefiting myself, and not everyone else.
I am not strong. I am not cut out to go through everything that GOD is throwing at me. I am not this person. I am not able to keep my head afloat right now. It feels like all of my decisions are being made for me. Everyone is going at full speed ahead and I am seeing everything in slow motion.
I feel like I am drowning and no one even sees it. Everyone is so concerned about everybody else and I feel like I am standing in quick sand. It's amazing how when you think someone is there for you always...it's times of trouble that you figure out who really is there....
I feel like I need a second to think and for everyone to stop asking so many questions...but then I feel like I am just floating through life right now and no one sees me.
I am not only speaking of the losses in this blog. I am speaking about LIFE AFTER loss and how hard things are, even 17 months after the first death. My life is hard. This life is moving at a snails pace yet it feels like I am missing so much out of the precious lives of Isaac and Caleb. I've given 110% of myself to my sons and to my family (or so I feel) yet I feel that I am missing SO much. I feel that I can only be so strong for so long before I am going to just break in two. I can only be so passive and take so much more. I can't continue forgiving, and loving, and living this way. It's hard. I am broken & it just plain sucks.
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