12 months ago at this moment, everyone had left for the evening and Cris and I sat silently and tearfully in a room holding both of your boys that had just an hours before had beautifully beating hearts.
Now, 12 months later, I sit here watching him put a new fan in the "what would have been the twins" nursery. On this day, their day of birth & death, we are in a completely different place than we were at this point with them 366 days ago. Yes, I meant 366-It's leap year! =)
I have prepared, dreaded, and had major anxiety and panic about this day for weeks, even months really. For some reason today, I am at peace. I have explained before, that I was strangly at peace when Dr. F shared with us at 7am that morning, that by the end of the day, we would hold our babies and say goodbye. Today, I feel peace, but a different kind of peace. I am so thankful that I haven't had a day full of panic and anxiety.
I made the decision many weeks ago, that on this day, I would purposefly shut myself out from the "world". Not because I wanted to sit & reflect on the twins, and what the last year has been like, but because I needed to mentally not allow myself to dwell. The worst thing I can do for myself is NOT surround myself with the sadness and the reminders when I am not feeling like talking about it, or hearing about it. I know there have been many prayers and thoughts for us today, and it is because of those many people in our life that we have been able to endure this yearly walk. It is because of that unconditional love, that we have been able to get up everyday and move forward with our lives.
No, we do not have a clue as to WHY this happened, and to what lesson we were supossed to learn. Perhaps we have learned it and just don't yet realize it.
I can say many things have come to the forefront of my life this past year, and I know that without this tragedy, none of them would be discussed here.
1. WHO CARES! What I mean by that is, really....why do we waste so much time concerned with others, and pleasing everyone but ourselves. Life is TOO SHORT to take advantage of your own self. You gain nothing from caring about others interpretation of your life and your actions. It's simply not worth it. I am not recommending being selfish and unconcerned with others feelings, I am simply saying....others are not the ones judging you on your final day-----so stop trying to please them!
2. When you are pregnant-STOP calling yourself fat, or ugly, or out of shape, or "body ruined". That irritates me to no end. I sit here today mouring the loss of THREE of my children-Be thankful please and blessed that your body is changing. That means you are carrying a healthy son or daughter-Be proud of your growing self and stop being selfish! I took for grated 2 healthy pregnancies and was absolutely 1 that complained some of my pregnancy. If I could go back, I would in a heartbeat and never say one negative word about the miracle inside of me! You shouldn't either-It's selfish!
3. Loss SUCKS....I don't care who you are, or what you have dealth with-Loss SUCKS! It doesn't just suck, it's exhausting, draining, emotional, tearful, sinful in some ways, and can cause a lot of bitterness and drain you of anything you knew in a previous life. It tests relationships, it builds some and tears some apart. It causes people to say things without thinking, it causes changes to someones core, and it changes what you thought you once were. Who knew that 12 months ago, I would sit here writing a blog about losing the sons that just 367 days ago, were healthy, moving and active little boys inside of me. I laugh now, because I was (reference #2 above) one of the "complainers" exactly that time frame ago. The DAY that I went into labor w/o knowing it-I was BEGGING Owen to get OFF of my bladder b/c I was so busy @ work and I felt like I was going to pee every 5 minutes. Little did I know, my water was breaking and I WAS going every 5 minutes. Oh if I could take those words/feelngs back, I absolutely would.
There are so many things i could add in 4 5 & 6 but I will save that for another blog entry.
Today-was about Ian & Owen. Isaac & Caleb picked out beautiful flowers to take to their brothers yesterday, and we did this yesterday afternoon. Today, we went to a movie as a family (yea i Know, I said I wasn't going to leave the house, but I felt differently today) I felt like going and doing things TOGETHER as a family-celebrating the parts of our family that weren't here. We went to a movie together, the 4 of us. We had lunch, had many conversation about our babies, spent time doing things the boys wanted to do, went to dinner and are making some home improvement project starts tonight. We had many conversations about our babies, about what we miss, what we think they would be like, etc. We did exactly what I wanted today-spent the time with just the 4 of us, separated from facebook, the iphones, the texting and the conversations. We allowed everyone else to "grieve" for the boys in whatever way they chose to-and we did it the way WE wanted to-together-remembering our baby boys-Missing them, loving them, cherishing the hours we spent with them and NOT doing the material things that seem so "Normal". like the planting of flowers, trees, balloon releases, and birthday cakes. While I absolutely missed being able to have a twins 1st birthday party, or celebrate the 1 year anniversary of making it as parents of twin boys and older boys with my husband, I am thankful for just even the FEW hours I got....Those "memories" that just Cris and I have with them is precious. We had the longest time with them together in the evening, until the next morning when it was time to let them go. We shared hours talking to them, holding them and holding each other. We spent time crying, and more time laughing. We spent time trading them to each other, holding 1 at a time and then both together. Kissing their heads, counting their toes and fingers, Watching them scoot towards each other. I valued those last few minutes before 1:09pm as they were moving. I can only imagine them inside of my belly, holding hands, knowing what was about to happen, knowing then would be together, Coming into this world together, and leaving together. My strong, handsome, wonderful twin boys. Ian & Owen, I love you-I miss you-and I am THANKFUL FOR YOU!
Now, 12 months later, I sit here watching him put a new fan in the "what would have been the twins" nursery. On this day, their day of birth & death, we are in a completely different place than we were at this point with them 366 days ago. Yes, I meant 366-It's leap year! =)
I have prepared, dreaded, and had major anxiety and panic about this day for weeks, even months really. For some reason today, I am at peace. I have explained before, that I was strangly at peace when Dr. F shared with us at 7am that morning, that by the end of the day, we would hold our babies and say goodbye. Today, I feel peace, but a different kind of peace. I am so thankful that I haven't had a day full of panic and anxiety.
I made the decision many weeks ago, that on this day, I would purposefly shut myself out from the "world". Not because I wanted to sit & reflect on the twins, and what the last year has been like, but because I needed to mentally not allow myself to dwell. The worst thing I can do for myself is NOT surround myself with the sadness and the reminders when I am not feeling like talking about it, or hearing about it. I know there have been many prayers and thoughts for us today, and it is because of those many people in our life that we have been able to endure this yearly walk. It is because of that unconditional love, that we have been able to get up everyday and move forward with our lives.
No, we do not have a clue as to WHY this happened, and to what lesson we were supossed to learn. Perhaps we have learned it and just don't yet realize it.
I can say many things have come to the forefront of my life this past year, and I know that without this tragedy, none of them would be discussed here.
1. WHO CARES! What I mean by that is, really....why do we waste so much time concerned with others, and pleasing everyone but ourselves. Life is TOO SHORT to take advantage of your own self. You gain nothing from caring about others interpretation of your life and your actions. It's simply not worth it. I am not recommending being selfish and unconcerned with others feelings, I am simply saying....others are not the ones judging you on your final day-----so stop trying to please them!
2. When you are pregnant-STOP calling yourself fat, or ugly, or out of shape, or "body ruined". That irritates me to no end. I sit here today mouring the loss of THREE of my children-Be thankful please and blessed that your body is changing. That means you are carrying a healthy son or daughter-Be proud of your growing self and stop being selfish! I took for grated 2 healthy pregnancies and was absolutely 1 that complained some of my pregnancy. If I could go back, I would in a heartbeat and never say one negative word about the miracle inside of me! You shouldn't either-It's selfish!
3. Loss SUCKS....I don't care who you are, or what you have dealth with-Loss SUCKS! It doesn't just suck, it's exhausting, draining, emotional, tearful, sinful in some ways, and can cause a lot of bitterness and drain you of anything you knew in a previous life. It tests relationships, it builds some and tears some apart. It causes people to say things without thinking, it causes changes to someones core, and it changes what you thought you once were. Who knew that 12 months ago, I would sit here writing a blog about losing the sons that just 367 days ago, were healthy, moving and active little boys inside of me. I laugh now, because I was (reference #2 above) one of the "complainers" exactly that time frame ago. The DAY that I went into labor w/o knowing it-I was BEGGING Owen to get OFF of my bladder b/c I was so busy @ work and I felt like I was going to pee every 5 minutes. Little did I know, my water was breaking and I WAS going every 5 minutes. Oh if I could take those words/feelngs back, I absolutely would.
There are so many things i could add in 4 5 & 6 but I will save that for another blog entry.
Today-was about Ian & Owen. Isaac & Caleb picked out beautiful flowers to take to their brothers yesterday, and we did this yesterday afternoon. Today, we went to a movie as a family (yea i Know, I said I wasn't going to leave the house, but I felt differently today) I felt like going and doing things TOGETHER as a family-celebrating the parts of our family that weren't here. We went to a movie together, the 4 of us. We had lunch, had many conversation about our babies, spent time doing things the boys wanted to do, went to dinner and are making some home improvement project starts tonight. We had many conversations about our babies, about what we miss, what we think they would be like, etc. We did exactly what I wanted today-spent the time with just the 4 of us, separated from facebook, the iphones, the texting and the conversations. We allowed everyone else to "grieve" for the boys in whatever way they chose to-and we did it the way WE wanted to-together-remembering our baby boys-Missing them, loving them, cherishing the hours we spent with them and NOT doing the material things that seem so "Normal". like the planting of flowers, trees, balloon releases, and birthday cakes. While I absolutely missed being able to have a twins 1st birthday party, or celebrate the 1 year anniversary of making it as parents of twin boys and older boys with my husband, I am thankful for just even the FEW hours I got....Those "memories" that just Cris and I have with them is precious. We had the longest time with them together in the evening, until the next morning when it was time to let them go. We shared hours talking to them, holding them and holding each other. We spent time crying, and more time laughing. We spent time trading them to each other, holding 1 at a time and then both together. Kissing their heads, counting their toes and fingers, Watching them scoot towards each other. I valued those last few minutes before 1:09pm as they were moving. I can only imagine them inside of my belly, holding hands, knowing what was about to happen, knowing then would be together, Coming into this world together, and leaving together. My strong, handsome, wonderful twin boys. Ian & Owen, I love you-I miss you-and I am THANKFUL FOR YOU!
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