Can you believe that it's been almost a year since Ian & Owen were born?
This time 12 months ago, I was blissfully in a daze excited about being a mommy of twin boys. This was actually right about the time that we found out both Baby A & Baby B were boys. Little did I know that in just a few short days, my HEALTHY boys would be born into this horrible cruel world.
Ian was glad to show us quickly that he was indeed a boy, and very proud of it.
Owen was quieter, a little more shy, and wanted to sit down on his bottom the entire time during ALL of my ultrasounds. We were only about 90% sure he was a boy before he was born.
I was fortunate enough to have my mom, mother in law and sister in law in the room with us when we had our 20 week ultrasound, so they were able to see their grandsons and nephews alive, well & active.
I was more than blessed to have my SISTER be the very first to see the twins as she stood by my side (Cris too of course) while they were born.
I've put all of this beside and behind me for the past month or so, while I have been preparing for the "take over" @ work. I probably did a little "over-doing-it" during this time, but it was how i felt like dealing with things. If I stay busy, I don't have time to allow myself to think, right? RIGHT!
Mentally & Emotionally, this week is so hard. I found the fathers day card I had written Cris last year, thankful for him & excited for him to be a father of 4 boys.....It amazed me to realize HOW MUCH has changed in just a year. He is now the father of FIVE boys, but we also have had to say good-bye to 3 of them.
For many months, I have used this space to cope, and deal with things for myself. I took a break for some weeks, because I felt like my words were falling on deaf ears. I wasn't able to really put into words the things i felt and thought. I felt like i was saying the same thing, over and over again. Just as I knew they would, many of the people that interjected themselves in my life after the twins were born last year, have conveniently moved on to someone else's dramatic life, and that is OK. This year has been one of many struggles and gallons of tears, and very few smiles and times of laughter. BUT, that is OK. I have learned that no matter how HARD it is, there is someone that is dealing with this like it's brand new, or someone dealing with something even HARDER than this. While my struggles are enormous some days, there are others that have it far worse.
No, that cliche does NOT make me feel better most days, but it does give me some "stability" in my pain.
Friday night, we went to a baseball game of some of Isaac's friends to watch. A friend of ours son plays on the team,and her sister was there with some of her foster children. One of the children, happens to be a new born baby that she is fostering to adopt. Let me tell you, it took leaps and bounds for me to even walk OVER to our friend and speak, because she was cuddling and holding this sweet baby girl. I went & stood beside her and could HEAR my heart pounding, but I also heard myself ask (at the same time she offered) if I could hold her. I felt like I could nearly pass out because since Ian & OWen were born, I have not held a baby (besides my few BRIEF) moments with Maddox. I've had no desire to hold a baby because it just made me angry. For some reason though, my soul just NEEDED to hold this baby. As I stood there holding her, she was trying to get her fists in her mouth, so I put my finger to her cheek and she found it & started to suck on my finger. I asked if I could feed her and I sat there, feeling this sweet angel rocking her back & forth and she fell asleep eating. She cuddled up against me and would open her eyes and just stare @ me as I sat there holding her tightly and staring also @ her (yes I was crying the ENTIRE TIME). Good thing about it was that we were in a normal place where we usually go, and everyone there knew exactly why I was crying and never once said a word about it. They all just "knew". As this precious girl was staring into my face, I just FELT like a "mother" for the first time in many months. Not that having a baby MAKES you a mother, I am a mother to all 5 of my boys, but mainly my Isaac & Caleb-but I mean, it made me almost feel a little more whole. KNowing this sweet girl is not my sweet girl, I never felt motherly to HER, but i felt like in her eyes were Ian, Owen & Maddox, showing me that losing them didnt take away who I am. This little girl had lots to tell me, I can assure you!
For the first time in so long, I did not feel like a million eyes were on me. I felt like it was just she & I in the middle of an empty baseball field and I was just holding her, and feeling the wholeness of being needed and having the extremely innocent love of this little girl. I dont know if I will ever see this baby girl again, but I sure hope I do. I am forever grateful to her "foster/adoptive" mother, my friends sister, and my Friend for allowing me to have this emotional break that I SOOOO needed.
It doesn't make it any easier that Sunday is going to be 1 year since my life changed. I am not anywhere close to the person I was then. I don't even know most days who I am anymore. It's so hard to describe to people I meet, and it's hard to help others understand what and who I am. But, I know that this little girl gave me the courage I needed to accept things a little more.
This time 12 months ago, I was blissfully in a daze excited about being a mommy of twin boys. This was actually right about the time that we found out both Baby A & Baby B were boys. Little did I know that in just a few short days, my HEALTHY boys would be born into this horrible cruel world.
Ian was glad to show us quickly that he was indeed a boy, and very proud of it.
Owen was quieter, a little more shy, and wanted to sit down on his bottom the entire time during ALL of my ultrasounds. We were only about 90% sure he was a boy before he was born.
I was fortunate enough to have my mom, mother in law and sister in law in the room with us when we had our 20 week ultrasound, so they were able to see their grandsons and nephews alive, well & active.
I was more than blessed to have my SISTER be the very first to see the twins as she stood by my side (Cris too of course) while they were born.
I've put all of this beside and behind me for the past month or so, while I have been preparing for the "take over" @ work. I probably did a little "over-doing-it" during this time, but it was how i felt like dealing with things. If I stay busy, I don't have time to allow myself to think, right? RIGHT!
Mentally & Emotionally, this week is so hard. I found the fathers day card I had written Cris last year, thankful for him & excited for him to be a father of 4 boys.....It amazed me to realize HOW MUCH has changed in just a year. He is now the father of FIVE boys, but we also have had to say good-bye to 3 of them.
For many months, I have used this space to cope, and deal with things for myself. I took a break for some weeks, because I felt like my words were falling on deaf ears. I wasn't able to really put into words the things i felt and thought. I felt like i was saying the same thing, over and over again. Just as I knew they would, many of the people that interjected themselves in my life after the twins were born last year, have conveniently moved on to someone else's dramatic life, and that is OK. This year has been one of many struggles and gallons of tears, and very few smiles and times of laughter. BUT, that is OK. I have learned that no matter how HARD it is, there is someone that is dealing with this like it's brand new, or someone dealing with something even HARDER than this. While my struggles are enormous some days, there are others that have it far worse.
No, that cliche does NOT make me feel better most days, but it does give me some "stability" in my pain.
Friday night, we went to a baseball game of some of Isaac's friends to watch. A friend of ours son plays on the team,and her sister was there with some of her foster children. One of the children, happens to be a new born baby that she is fostering to adopt. Let me tell you, it took leaps and bounds for me to even walk OVER to our friend and speak, because she was cuddling and holding this sweet baby girl. I went & stood beside her and could HEAR my heart pounding, but I also heard myself ask (at the same time she offered) if I could hold her. I felt like I could nearly pass out because since Ian & OWen were born, I have not held a baby (besides my few BRIEF) moments with Maddox. I've had no desire to hold a baby because it just made me angry. For some reason though, my soul just NEEDED to hold this baby. As I stood there holding her, she was trying to get her fists in her mouth, so I put my finger to her cheek and she found it & started to suck on my finger. I asked if I could feed her and I sat there, feeling this sweet angel rocking her back & forth and she fell asleep eating. She cuddled up against me and would open her eyes and just stare @ me as I sat there holding her tightly and staring also @ her (yes I was crying the ENTIRE TIME). Good thing about it was that we were in a normal place where we usually go, and everyone there knew exactly why I was crying and never once said a word about it. They all just "knew". As this precious girl was staring into my face, I just FELT like a "mother" for the first time in many months. Not that having a baby MAKES you a mother, I am a mother to all 5 of my boys, but mainly my Isaac & Caleb-but I mean, it made me almost feel a little more whole. KNowing this sweet girl is not my sweet girl, I never felt motherly to HER, but i felt like in her eyes were Ian, Owen & Maddox, showing me that losing them didnt take away who I am. This little girl had lots to tell me, I can assure you!
For the first time in so long, I did not feel like a million eyes were on me. I felt like it was just she & I in the middle of an empty baseball field and I was just holding her, and feeling the wholeness of being needed and having the extremely innocent love of this little girl. I dont know if I will ever see this baby girl again, but I sure hope I do. I am forever grateful to her "foster/adoptive" mother, my friends sister, and my Friend for allowing me to have this emotional break that I SOOOO needed.
It doesn't make it any easier that Sunday is going to be 1 year since my life changed. I am not anywhere close to the person I was then. I don't even know most days who I am anymore. It's so hard to describe to people I meet, and it's hard to help others understand what and who I am. But, I know that this little girl gave me the courage I needed to accept things a little more.
What a precious gift from this baby girl and her foster mommy. I'm glad you had the opportunity to hold her. I know that must have taken a lot of courage.
ReplyDeleteYou will be in my thoughts and prayers this week as the 1 year anniversary approaches. Love and hugs to you.