I'm REALLY not sure right now which is worse...
Anticipating the year Birthday Day/Death Day of Ian & Owen, or anticipating my "supossed to be" due date with Maddox Garrison. I think even worse than that, they are BOTH within 2 10 days of each other. =/ Ho hum....
Some people have shared with me that it gets easier once you get over the year anniversary. But, for some reason, I doubt that with myself, because shortly after I reach the year, I have to anticipate the due date of Maddox, and then the birthday/death date of Maddox 7 months later.
I am quickly figuring out that STRESS causes many issues emotionally, physically and mentally. For some reason, medical issues have become something I am obsessed & paranoid over. (my poor nurse friends). In my mind, the day of my kidney surgery, I should have been able to go back to work/gym, etc. I am 3 weeks post surgery, and I am paranoid that every slight pain in my side/back is another stone, or an infection, or something that is going to kill me.
I am SURE it makes no sense to anyone else, but in my mind, God took my 3 boys b/c something terrible is destined to happen to me, and he didn't want Cris to have to raise 5 boys all by himself.
For those that do not know, I have a tumor on my spine. I have (am supossed to have) a yearly MRI to check it's changes/growth/status. It is (was-and as far as I know still IS) a benign tumor. It's made of Schwan cells that gathered. Since I lost Ian & Owen, in my head, that tumor is going to kill me. Like I said, I realize this sounds silly to everyone else, but the only justification I can think of in my life that would make all of this OK, is that something is going to happen to me, and not having the 3 of them in our lives, will make that transition easier. Yes, I realize this is morbid and I am sorry for any of you reading this thinking I am a complete nut job, I assure you, I'm not. This is actually a very real and very NORMAL response to traumatic events.
A friend of mine shared with me recently that after she lost her precious daughter in a tragic situation, that she started planting flowers. She said " It made me think, maybe I can at least keep them alive" I got TEARS IN MY EYES immediately, because she validated for me, that my feeling this way isn't abnormal. I tell Cris ALL THE TIME that I don't want living things, because I can't keep anything alive. I've said it here in this blog, It's amazing I can keep Isaac and Caleb alive, because aparently, I'm not cut out to be able to do that.
Apparently, a healthy way of dealing with stress and/or grief/loss is to find something positive to focus on. Duh! The gym WAS that for me, but because of other things going on in our family life.....it isn't working for me anymore.
Anticipating the year Birthday Day/Death Day of Ian & Owen, or anticipating my "supossed to be" due date with Maddox Garrison. I think even worse than that, they are BOTH within 2 10 days of each other. =/ Ho hum....
Some people have shared with me that it gets easier once you get over the year anniversary. But, for some reason, I doubt that with myself, because shortly after I reach the year, I have to anticipate the due date of Maddox, and then the birthday/death date of Maddox 7 months later.
I am quickly figuring out that STRESS causes many issues emotionally, physically and mentally. For some reason, medical issues have become something I am obsessed & paranoid over. (my poor nurse friends). In my mind, the day of my kidney surgery, I should have been able to go back to work/gym, etc. I am 3 weeks post surgery, and I am paranoid that every slight pain in my side/back is another stone, or an infection, or something that is going to kill me.
I am SURE it makes no sense to anyone else, but in my mind, God took my 3 boys b/c something terrible is destined to happen to me, and he didn't want Cris to have to raise 5 boys all by himself.
For those that do not know, I have a tumor on my spine. I have (am supossed to have) a yearly MRI to check it's changes/growth/status. It is (was-and as far as I know still IS) a benign tumor. It's made of Schwan cells that gathered. Since I lost Ian & Owen, in my head, that tumor is going to kill me. Like I said, I realize this sounds silly to everyone else, but the only justification I can think of in my life that would make all of this OK, is that something is going to happen to me, and not having the 3 of them in our lives, will make that transition easier. Yes, I realize this is morbid and I am sorry for any of you reading this thinking I am a complete nut job, I assure you, I'm not. This is actually a very real and very NORMAL response to traumatic events.
A friend of mine shared with me recently that after she lost her precious daughter in a tragic situation, that she started planting flowers. She said " It made me think, maybe I can at least keep them alive" I got TEARS IN MY EYES immediately, because she validated for me, that my feeling this way isn't abnormal. I tell Cris ALL THE TIME that I don't want living things, because I can't keep anything alive. I've said it here in this blog, It's amazing I can keep Isaac and Caleb alive, because aparently, I'm not cut out to be able to do that.
Apparently, a healthy way of dealing with stress and/or grief/loss is to find something positive to focus on. Duh! The gym WAS that for me, but because of other things going on in our family life.....it isn't working for me anymore.
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