It is certainly not the natural order of life to bury one's child.
I read a great thing, that is stuck in my head and sums up so much how I feel.
"when you lose a parent, you lose your past; When a child dies, you lose your future"
I truly believe that the pain of a bereaved parent is the most intense and deeply intense pain.
Not that I would at ALL be ok if I lost my parents, or my "in law" parents-I am fortunate enough to have ALL of my parents alive. I do not know the pain of losing a parent and for so many obvious reasons, I do hope I never have to know this pain.
I can tell you though, so many things about losing a child, yet I can tell you nothing all at the same time.
There is nothing more debilitating than looking into the sweet face of your son taking his final breath. There is nothing more emotional than hearing the words, "your child will die". There is also nothing that causes such determination as those same words. Determinied to "beat the odds" so to speak, even though you know in your deepest heart of hearts, that just simply isn't possible. It has been a bit more than a year since the twins were born, but I still feel their soft skin. I can still smell their new baby smell on their blankets and I can still clearly see Ian's mouth wide open as he took his final breath.
So much a part of the problem in being a bereaved parent is the desire to move on and live life as fully and pain free as possible, but the need to continue to greive in order to hold on to your child(rens) memories. There really is no black and white here. It's either greif, or get over it-I firmly believe though-you can never just MOVE ON....there will forever and always be that child, regardless of how your life pushes forward.
I've watched, with proud tears in my eyes, for the last 2 days watching my oldest regain his love of baseball and play with pride. Even though the season did not end as everyone always hopes it would, my excitement for him, and his team was so strong, and I know that I never could have appreciated his hard work, and the determination he had in his eyes, without being through the pain we have been through. I have given 100% to my children (although I am sure some may disagree with that statement), but I can tell you, I've never been as proud of what Isaac is becoming, as I have been in the last year. He has shown, in the face of horrible tragedy, what a strong, sensitive, caring and wonderful child he is. If any of you know him, and have noticed, he wears a blue bracelet on his right arm that says "brother of angels". i bought it for him after Ian and Onen passed away. I was hoping it would help him feel like he was part of them, and that they are part of HIM. I never in a million years thought that my "self concious" child would be caught dead wearing it. However, he hasn't taken it off since I gave it to him. Even during baseball the last few games...when you can't have jewelry of any kind during baseball, He hid it under his glove until he was out of sight from the umpire...Yes, it was wrong, but it makes me proud. It makes me love his love for his brothers-even though he got just a few short minutes with them. He was 9 when Ian and Owen were born and died, and 10 when Maddox was born and died. He had a complete and full understanding of what was happening, and I truly believe it made Isaac have a deeper understanding of life, and what is important.
For me, I don't know that I will ever understand. I don't know that there is really anything TO understand. I am in the greif process now that the determination to find an answer has left. The desire to continue like nothing happened, is gone. The days of constant crying are getting fewer than they were before. I do have emotional breakdowns about once a day-not crying breakdowns, just anger, sadness, and lack of interest 90% of the time. Sure, I'd love to be able to shut down and not talk...I'd love to be able to hold by babies, but we don't always get what we want. I do feel the NEED to know WHY this happened. I do feel the need to have a REASON for it. I need to know what door is opening because this one slammed shut over and over and over again. But, I assume in time, I will get that answer.
I read a great thing, that is stuck in my head and sums up so much how I feel.
"when you lose a parent, you lose your past; When a child dies, you lose your future"
I truly believe that the pain of a bereaved parent is the most intense and deeply intense pain.
Not that I would at ALL be ok if I lost my parents, or my "in law" parents-I am fortunate enough to have ALL of my parents alive. I do not know the pain of losing a parent and for so many obvious reasons, I do hope I never have to know this pain.
I can tell you though, so many things about losing a child, yet I can tell you nothing all at the same time.
There is nothing more debilitating than looking into the sweet face of your son taking his final breath. There is nothing more emotional than hearing the words, "your child will die". There is also nothing that causes such determination as those same words. Determinied to "beat the odds" so to speak, even though you know in your deepest heart of hearts, that just simply isn't possible. It has been a bit more than a year since the twins were born, but I still feel their soft skin. I can still smell their new baby smell on their blankets and I can still clearly see Ian's mouth wide open as he took his final breath.
So much a part of the problem in being a bereaved parent is the desire to move on and live life as fully and pain free as possible, but the need to continue to greive in order to hold on to your child(rens) memories. There really is no black and white here. It's either greif, or get over it-I firmly believe though-you can never just MOVE ON....there will forever and always be that child, regardless of how your life pushes forward.
I've watched, with proud tears in my eyes, for the last 2 days watching my oldest regain his love of baseball and play with pride. Even though the season did not end as everyone always hopes it would, my excitement for him, and his team was so strong, and I know that I never could have appreciated his hard work, and the determination he had in his eyes, without being through the pain we have been through. I have given 100% to my children (although I am sure some may disagree with that statement), but I can tell you, I've never been as proud of what Isaac is becoming, as I have been in the last year. He has shown, in the face of horrible tragedy, what a strong, sensitive, caring and wonderful child he is. If any of you know him, and have noticed, he wears a blue bracelet on his right arm that says "brother of angels". i bought it for him after Ian and Onen passed away. I was hoping it would help him feel like he was part of them, and that they are part of HIM. I never in a million years thought that my "self concious" child would be caught dead wearing it. However, he hasn't taken it off since I gave it to him. Even during baseball the last few games...when you can't have jewelry of any kind during baseball, He hid it under his glove until he was out of sight from the umpire...Yes, it was wrong, but it makes me proud. It makes me love his love for his brothers-even though he got just a few short minutes with them. He was 9 when Ian and Owen were born and died, and 10 when Maddox was born and died. He had a complete and full understanding of what was happening, and I truly believe it made Isaac have a deeper understanding of life, and what is important.
For me, I don't know that I will ever understand. I don't know that there is really anything TO understand. I am in the greif process now that the determination to find an answer has left. The desire to continue like nothing happened, is gone. The days of constant crying are getting fewer than they were before. I do have emotional breakdowns about once a day-not crying breakdowns, just anger, sadness, and lack of interest 90% of the time. Sure, I'd love to be able to shut down and not talk...I'd love to be able to hold by babies, but we don't always get what we want. I do feel the NEED to know WHY this happened. I do feel the need to have a REASON for it. I need to know what door is opening because this one slammed shut over and over and over again. But, I assume in time, I will get that answer.
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