I think it's possible that a side effect of losing a child is PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
I am not taking this lightly either-so please do not think I am making any kind of fun of this horrible disease-
I had my dreaded MRI yesterday. I took a nerve pill before going in, because the sense of squeezing something the size of a watermelon into something the size of an orange (yes, that is a metaphore for ME and the MACHINE)-just makes me sick to my stomach. The noise does not bother me, the REASON I am there does not bother me. It's the laying flat on a table, stuffed into a machine that I can't get out of that makes me nervous.
Yesterday though, I made it into the room without dying, I made it into the machine without dying. (thank GOD for the new OPEN Mri machines, it's not as bad as the old ones). I got my little headphones on, the process started and I (the moron) opened my eyes. LIKE AN IDIOT I looked up @ the lights outside of the machine-and IMMEDIATELY I flipped back to the hospital operating room after the twins were born while I was in the state between staring at my newborn twin sons laying on my stomach and being scared for my LIFE as I bled horribly. I was so numb during that entire process because of the entire day and the events leading up to it. I remember my nurse Nancy constantly checking me b/c we had so many delivery issues. I remember Dr. Garcia leaving the room and then Nurse Nancy running to the door and yelling "Dr. Garcia, NOW". Then I remember that they didn't even leave the babies with Cris and we RUSHED down the hallways with my babies in my arms. There was so much talking going on. There was so much commotion and things happened so quickly. I remember the more medicine being administered, someone standing @ my head making sure I was ok. Then I remember waking back up in my room with ALL of my family staring at me. But what I remember the MOST, was staring up @ those lights in the operating room wondering if I was going to live or die. Wondering if my sons were still alive. Wondering if my only memory of them was going to be the moment they were born and I saw their faces. I was thinking about Cris, about ISaac and Caleb, and about if those lights were the last thing I would see. I was both thankful and SAD to wake up in my room afterwards. Thankful, because I woke up. Sad because it meant the entire thing was NOT a stupid horrible dream.
But, after about 10 minutes of staring @ those lights, and being reduced to tears in the MRI machine, I had to squeeze the ball to be brought out. I needed a few minutes to refocus and then I was able to go back in.
THAT is why I said, I think part of the process is PTSD. I thankfully did not have that same experience with Maddox's delivery. I was very awake and very aware. I was almost cold hearted to it, because the loss of the twins was SO RECENT. I think my heart was just so hard and cold that my experience with Maddox was so different. I was so numb and angry, that it felt like just going through the motions when he was delivered. I don't know that I had healed enough from Ian and Owen's loss that I could really feel anything about losing Maddox. I am SURE that this sounds just horrible to you, but believe me, it wasn't by choice.
I made it through the MRI thank goodness-and now I just need to make it through my Neuro appointment tomorrow to make sure there are no changes in this tumor.
I am not taking this lightly either-so please do not think I am making any kind of fun of this horrible disease-
I had my dreaded MRI yesterday. I took a nerve pill before going in, because the sense of squeezing something the size of a watermelon into something the size of an orange (yes, that is a metaphore for ME and the MACHINE)-just makes me sick to my stomach. The noise does not bother me, the REASON I am there does not bother me. It's the laying flat on a table, stuffed into a machine that I can't get out of that makes me nervous.
Yesterday though, I made it into the room without dying, I made it into the machine without dying. (thank GOD for the new OPEN Mri machines, it's not as bad as the old ones). I got my little headphones on, the process started and I (the moron) opened my eyes. LIKE AN IDIOT I looked up @ the lights outside of the machine-and IMMEDIATELY I flipped back to the hospital operating room after the twins were born while I was in the state between staring at my newborn twin sons laying on my stomach and being scared for my LIFE as I bled horribly. I was so numb during that entire process because of the entire day and the events leading up to it. I remember my nurse Nancy constantly checking me b/c we had so many delivery issues. I remember Dr. Garcia leaving the room and then Nurse Nancy running to the door and yelling "Dr. Garcia, NOW". Then I remember that they didn't even leave the babies with Cris and we RUSHED down the hallways with my babies in my arms. There was so much talking going on. There was so much commotion and things happened so quickly. I remember the more medicine being administered, someone standing @ my head making sure I was ok. Then I remember waking back up in my room with ALL of my family staring at me. But what I remember the MOST, was staring up @ those lights in the operating room wondering if I was going to live or die. Wondering if my sons were still alive. Wondering if my only memory of them was going to be the moment they were born and I saw their faces. I was thinking about Cris, about ISaac and Caleb, and about if those lights were the last thing I would see. I was both thankful and SAD to wake up in my room afterwards. Thankful, because I woke up. Sad because it meant the entire thing was NOT a stupid horrible dream.
But, after about 10 minutes of staring @ those lights, and being reduced to tears in the MRI machine, I had to squeeze the ball to be brought out. I needed a few minutes to refocus and then I was able to go back in.
THAT is why I said, I think part of the process is PTSD. I thankfully did not have that same experience with Maddox's delivery. I was very awake and very aware. I was almost cold hearted to it, because the loss of the twins was SO RECENT. I think my heart was just so hard and cold that my experience with Maddox was so different. I was so numb and angry, that it felt like just going through the motions when he was delivered. I don't know that I had healed enough from Ian and Owen's loss that I could really feel anything about losing Maddox. I am SURE that this sounds just horrible to you, but believe me, it wasn't by choice.
I made it through the MRI thank goodness-and now I just need to make it through my Neuro appointment tomorrow to make sure there are no changes in this tumor.
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