Everyone needs compassion, a love that's never failing. Let Mercy fall on me. Everyone needs forgiveness, the kidness of a savior, the hope of Nations.
Savior, He can move the mountains, My God is mightly to save. He is Mighty to save. Forever, author of salvation, he rose & conquored the grave, Jesus conquored the grave.
Take my as you find me, all my fears and failures, Fill my life again
Give my life to follow, and everything i believe in, now I surrender. I surrender.....
Savior he can move the mountains, My God is mightly to save, he is mighty to save. Forever, author of salvation, he rose and conquored the grave, Jesus conquored the grave.
Shine your light and let the whole world see, Singing, for the glory of the RISEN king. Jesus, shine your light and let the whole world see, singing for the glory of the RISEN KING.
Savior he can move the mountains, My god is mighty to save, he is MIGHTY TO SAVE. Forever, author of salvation, he rose & conquored the grave, JESUS CONQUORED THE GRAVE.
So, perhaps this is the post many of you have been praying for-
I am writing a religious post! =)
Don't get your hopes up though-many of the things i feel are reflected in the song above.
Just read over the words, over and over again!
Tonight, after I left the gym, I apparently hit the CD button on my steering wheel, and a CD was queued in my disc changer that I hadn't heard in a LONG TIME. While I did not want to really listen to it, I couldn't find it in myself to change it either. It was OLD praise music-like some from the days of camp in the summer of 2000 and some songs from Jr. & Senior high weekend MANY moons ago.
Then I found myself just listening and letting my mind drift back to THAT time in my life.
I always used to find testimonies emotional. I would listen to testimonies over and over again at camps, from pastors, from church members, and while they were all emotional-they ALL had major life events that brought them to the place in their religion that they were in. I realized for the first time tonight, I have a testimony. Sort-Of. I have the GOD in my childhood and youth/your adult life. I have the STORY to tell, but no true ending to it yet. I remember in all of the testimonies I have listened to, there were ENDINGS to those stories. I remember being told How God used such bad in their life to turn them into what they are today. The lost soul with an addiction problem, was brought from the black hole that is all that was known to them, into a wonderful family, life, love and Christ. A hope for the future.
Where does my story END? Why is it fair that the answers were plain, simple and able to be used in a TESTIMONY to help others for what seems like everyone else?
I love these praise and worship songs, because in my deepest heart of hearts, they words are so precious to me, even as much as I want to fight them. AND, I have fought HARD in the past 12 months.
Yes, everyone does need compassion-and complete love. Everyone DOES need forgiveness, including myself-more now than ever. It is hard to sit here & admit that while I am SO ANGRY with God, and yes, I am still SO ANGRY with God, that I do still need him. I do still need religion in my life. I know in my heart that MY GOD IS TRULY mighty to save-for Gods sake, if he can save ME from the brokenness that I have created in my own heart, then he is MORE than mighty to save.
I sit here in a puddle of tears (and no mom, I love you so much, but I do not want to talk).
I sit here surrendering my heart as I did more than 15 years ago when I first realized God IS real, God IS truth-and God IS life. (and in my case, he is also death-but is very present in death).
I don't know if you've ever been on this side of Gods mercy before. I know that in all of my years of battling my heart, the truth of the Lord, and everything I was taught to believe growing up, I have never been in THIS PLACE.
Yes, I am angry with God. Yes, I am NOT EVEN CLOSE to where I am sure God wants me to be. I can assure you, I am having a hard time letting go of the bitterness. But, as the days have gotten longer, and the sadness stronger after losing my sons, I am trying to remember what I was taught growing up. There is NOTHING bigger than God. There simply isn't. Again, I remind you-I have been fighting this truth for over a year. Probably even more than that in some instances. I'm sure my parents can ASSURE you of my stubborness.
I admire those that I have met along the way, that have gone through what we have. They have remained composed and trusting the Lord. I have to be honest, I simply couldn't just BELIEVE God had a plan in this. I really needed my time to be angry. I believe that time isn't over either. But I do believe I am in the point where I can see a little bit clearer that there was a plan somewhere in this mess.
Cris Needed to have his mental break, and leave his job. He needed a break from reality. We needed to change our focus in our marraige a little. We needed to change ourSELVES a little bit-Both of us. In our 12 years together and 10 maried, we have combat all kids of odds that say we should not be still be married. But I can sit here & tell you-regardless of our anger towards God-God has continued to remain the focus and foundation of our marriage. Even when we didn't realize it. We both praise in our own ways. We both spend time alone and with God privately. It's never been something that we do TOGETHER or as a famil. Some may call that wrong, but it just simply isn't the way we are. BUT, we haven't lost focus yet of what the Lord is possibly doing with us-
Please don't mistake this for " I'm all better because I have God". That is ABSOLUTELY not even CLOSE to the truth. I am simply saying that while I am angry, and I don't understand, I have accepted that I might never get my answer-because God it under control. I need to remember that GOD can move the mountains, Not me! I can't change those mountains that were put in my way over the last year-I can only believe that HE CAN and that in his timing, he will. I'm giving up on being completely bitter about everything, and choosing to believe that God is mighty to save me-AS I AM, he will take me. He s the only one that can fill those broken pieces of my heart. It is time to stop being selfish in my sorrow-and give it over to God. It is time to ask for him to "take me as I am".
The only thing I have ever been able to relate to in my Christian life, is music. I firmly believe that my way of getting past this, is going to be through the music, it's going to be through what I can relate to. It is going to finding that feeling again, that I had when I was 10, 12, 14, or whatever. I need to remember in my soul, what it was like to be protected by God. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the horrible feelings that losing a child causes.
I never once believed my children were "with God" until I could get there. I still don't believe that. That provides absolutely no comfort to me. But, I want to believe that whatever the reason is behind my pain, God will be using for SOME greater good-I just don't know yet what.
Savior, He can move the mountains, My God is mightly to save. He is Mighty to save. Forever, author of salvation, he rose & conquored the grave, Jesus conquored the grave.
Take my as you find me, all my fears and failures, Fill my life again
Give my life to follow, and everything i believe in, now I surrender. I surrender.....
Savior he can move the mountains, My God is mightly to save, he is mighty to save. Forever, author of salvation, he rose and conquored the grave, Jesus conquored the grave.
Shine your light and let the whole world see, Singing, for the glory of the RISEN king. Jesus, shine your light and let the whole world see, singing for the glory of the RISEN KING.
Savior he can move the mountains, My god is mighty to save, he is MIGHTY TO SAVE. Forever, author of salvation, he rose & conquored the grave, JESUS CONQUORED THE GRAVE.
So, perhaps this is the post many of you have been praying for-
I am writing a religious post! =)
Don't get your hopes up though-many of the things i feel are reflected in the song above.
Just read over the words, over and over again!
Tonight, after I left the gym, I apparently hit the CD button on my steering wheel, and a CD was queued in my disc changer that I hadn't heard in a LONG TIME. While I did not want to really listen to it, I couldn't find it in myself to change it either. It was OLD praise music-like some from the days of camp in the summer of 2000 and some songs from Jr. & Senior high weekend MANY moons ago.
Then I found myself just listening and letting my mind drift back to THAT time in my life.
I always used to find testimonies emotional. I would listen to testimonies over and over again at camps, from pastors, from church members, and while they were all emotional-they ALL had major life events that brought them to the place in their religion that they were in. I realized for the first time tonight, I have a testimony. Sort-Of. I have the GOD in my childhood and youth/your adult life. I have the STORY to tell, but no true ending to it yet. I remember in all of the testimonies I have listened to, there were ENDINGS to those stories. I remember being told How God used such bad in their life to turn them into what they are today. The lost soul with an addiction problem, was brought from the black hole that is all that was known to them, into a wonderful family, life, love and Christ. A hope for the future.
Where does my story END? Why is it fair that the answers were plain, simple and able to be used in a TESTIMONY to help others for what seems like everyone else?
I love these praise and worship songs, because in my deepest heart of hearts, they words are so precious to me, even as much as I want to fight them. AND, I have fought HARD in the past 12 months.
Yes, everyone does need compassion-and complete love. Everyone DOES need forgiveness, including myself-more now than ever. It is hard to sit here & admit that while I am SO ANGRY with God, and yes, I am still SO ANGRY with God, that I do still need him. I do still need religion in my life. I know in my heart that MY GOD IS TRULY mighty to save-for Gods sake, if he can save ME from the brokenness that I have created in my own heart, then he is MORE than mighty to save.
I sit here in a puddle of tears (and no mom, I love you so much, but I do not want to talk).
I sit here surrendering my heart as I did more than 15 years ago when I first realized God IS real, God IS truth-and God IS life. (and in my case, he is also death-but is very present in death).
I don't know if you've ever been on this side of Gods mercy before. I know that in all of my years of battling my heart, the truth of the Lord, and everything I was taught to believe growing up, I have never been in THIS PLACE.
Yes, I am angry with God. Yes, I am NOT EVEN CLOSE to where I am sure God wants me to be. I can assure you, I am having a hard time letting go of the bitterness. But, as the days have gotten longer, and the sadness stronger after losing my sons, I am trying to remember what I was taught growing up. There is NOTHING bigger than God. There simply isn't. Again, I remind you-I have been fighting this truth for over a year. Probably even more than that in some instances. I'm sure my parents can ASSURE you of my stubborness.
I admire those that I have met along the way, that have gone through what we have. They have remained composed and trusting the Lord. I have to be honest, I simply couldn't just BELIEVE God had a plan in this. I really needed my time to be angry. I believe that time isn't over either. But I do believe I am in the point where I can see a little bit clearer that there was a plan somewhere in this mess.
Cris Needed to have his mental break, and leave his job. He needed a break from reality. We needed to change our focus in our marraige a little. We needed to change ourSELVES a little bit-Both of us. In our 12 years together and 10 maried, we have combat all kids of odds that say we should not be still be married. But I can sit here & tell you-regardless of our anger towards God-God has continued to remain the focus and foundation of our marriage. Even when we didn't realize it. We both praise in our own ways. We both spend time alone and with God privately. It's never been something that we do TOGETHER or as a famil. Some may call that wrong, but it just simply isn't the way we are. BUT, we haven't lost focus yet of what the Lord is possibly doing with us-
Please don't mistake this for " I'm all better because I have God". That is ABSOLUTELY not even CLOSE to the truth. I am simply saying that while I am angry, and I don't understand, I have accepted that I might never get my answer-because God it under control. I need to remember that GOD can move the mountains, Not me! I can't change those mountains that were put in my way over the last year-I can only believe that HE CAN and that in his timing, he will. I'm giving up on being completely bitter about everything, and choosing to believe that God is mighty to save me-AS I AM, he will take me. He s the only one that can fill those broken pieces of my heart. It is time to stop being selfish in my sorrow-and give it over to God. It is time to ask for him to "take me as I am".
The only thing I have ever been able to relate to in my Christian life, is music. I firmly believe that my way of getting past this, is going to be through the music, it's going to be through what I can relate to. It is going to finding that feeling again, that I had when I was 10, 12, 14, or whatever. I need to remember in my soul, what it was like to be protected by God. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the horrible feelings that losing a child causes.
I never once believed my children were "with God" until I could get there. I still don't believe that. That provides absolutely no comfort to me. But, I want to believe that whatever the reason is behind my pain, God will be using for SOME greater good-I just don't know yet what.
Comments
Post a Comment