Loyalties & forgetfulness

I will not twist your arm, and make you read this-Be forewarned, this is MY SPACE to rant today-I need it, I want it, and I’m going to do it.

Please do not take anything that I say personally, unless of course, you just want to. I am not speaking of ANY ONE SPECIFIC PERSON here, please know this. These are things that have been weighing on my mind for WEEKS, and some even months, and even some more recent.

Do NOT correct my child…..I do not mean, EVER…I mean, while I am standing there, listening and hearing it happen and you feel the need to remove my child and correct him. Period. Point Blank. Keep your hands off my kid. My kids are 10 and 7, as most of my friends have kids around this age. Some of my friends do not yet HAVE children, yet they still have more respect and understanding for my kids than some that have children do. When a 7 year old jumps into the middle and interrupts, remember, he is SEVEN. It’s MY option to discuss that behavior right then and there, later, or not at all if I so choose. If I am not around, and my child is doing something to be disciplined for, by all means, if you are among that small group of friends that I have that you know I would approve and appreciate your assistance, please step in, Otherwise, Worry about your own children, your spouse, your boyfriend, your SELF, or someone else’s child. These 2 are MY KIDS. Cris and I will make the call on their behavior. We all parent differently. I don’t like the way other kids behave sometimes, but if it does not bother their parents, I will not step in. (unless of course it’s causing physical harm to themselves or another child) but in that situation, I would ASSUME the parents would step in if they were around. Side note to this-Do NOT ask my child to do something with your family and then never mention it again-You should know better!

Secondly,

If I want to talk about my sons an entire year after their birth and death, I’m going to. If you don’t like it, Hit DELETE on my phone number, or on my facebook page, and shut me out of your life. This is who I am now, take it or leave it, like it or hate it. I honestly @ this point do not even CARE! Those that I want and need in my life have been there and are supportive. Those that are around when it’s convenient for them, Good for you-Please take no disrespect to this but “thanks for the support you offered during my time of need, but true friends are there, always, during good AND bad days”.

You know who the only person in my LIFE that knows what it’s like for me right now? My husband. You know WHY….because he is the ONLY ONE that is there rubbing my back every morning when I wake up in tears, or at night when I am trying to sleep and can’t get rid of the nightmares. He is the ONLY ONE standing at the bathroom door as I get sick with stress, guilt, loneliness and a broken heart.  He is the ONLY ONE that doesn’t say a word when I come home from work and go straight to bed, or have a HARD time getting up in the mornings and he doesn’t PUSH ME to be places and do things he understands I am not capable of right now. My POOR CHILDREN have no mother right now. They have a woman that lives in the house, and goes to work every day and just goes through the motions. I am not even CAPABLE of understanding what Cris is going through in dealing with me, and all of the other things he has in his life right now, responsibilities he has taken on to keep his mind busy, being home w/ the boys for the summer, never ending projects in the house and keep creating new projects. Normal daily stress and then he gets to deal with ME. But you know what-I can NOT take him for granted, ever! He has been my rock, and reminds me with those boys everyday why life is worth living. So, here’s a note. Just because it’s been a year since the twins and 5 months 1 day since Maddox was born and died-IT DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY MEAN THAT I AM OK! I have BAD days, very bad days. And I have days where I can appear to others that I am functioning!

Thirdly, and probably the MOST annoying one for me….

To everyone that I know that is pregnant. I am so overjoyed for this experience in your life-whether this be your first, second, seventh or twelfth child-It is an amazing experience and I am so excited for this path you are taking. For MANY OF YOU, this experience is awesome and you love it and cherishing it. For SOME of you however, It seems to be a daily horrible chore that someone is holding a gun to your head forcing you to endure. I’ve admitted before, I complained some during my pregnancy with the twins because #1, I was older than I was when I had Isaac and Caleb (by 7 years) and #2-my body was not prepared to carry twins, obviously, seeing as how it did not handle it at ALL after 20 weeks. Believe me though, if I could go back, I would love on every second of that pregnancy.

#1 thing I can’t stand to hear… “ I am fat”. Um , no you’re not, you are BLESSED to have a human (or in some cases 2 or 3) inside of you, gasping on your every breath, hearing your every word, feeling your everything emotion. You are BLESSED, you are not fat!

#2 thing- “I can’t wait for this baby to be born”. When you’re 36 plus weeks, ok, I get it. Your body hurts, it’s horribly close to the end, you’re excited, you want to meet your son/daughter/both. However……when you’re 15/16 weeks, 20/22 weeks, No you do NOT want to rush your pregnancy. PLEASE do not rush your pregnancy. I have a friend that lives in Ohio, that had her twin sins shortly after me. Unfortunately and very sadly, one of her sons wasn’t able to survive. Thankfully, E did survive but I am SURE that Kara would urge you to NOT RUSH, because the health problems, expenses, and hardships it takes to raise a preemie are unbelievable. I can’t even speak from 1^st hand experience on this, but rushing a child to deliver because YOU are uncomfortable..PLEASE BE THANKFUL and GRATEFUL! Again, sorry if this is offensive to anyone, but it’s been bothering me, and I feel like it warrants a rant on my blog! For me, yes it does make me feel better.

And Finally- As I get older, I find out how important real and true friends are. Those that are there through everything, years later, years before, days of, etc. I have come to realize that those that are there when it’s convenient for them to be there, or it offers them a moment in some kind of sick spotlight-are the ones that I don’t need in my life. I’ve spent too much time worrying about corresponding with people that really truly don’t have any respect for me, or for my life. I am not the best friend in the world, to anyone, I can assure you-I’ve had many times in my life where I have been a crappy friend. But, it’s time for me to stop trying to BE everyone’s friend, and look out for myself and my feelings. It’s funny that I am going through more emotionally, right NOW after a year of this pain and suffering, and those that I really thought were going to be around, aren’t. Those that really understood then during that situation just aren’t. I’m not going to be the person that believes my kids walk on water-we have enough of those in our immediate community. I’m not going to be the person that thinks I am better than everyone else and if someone wants to be in my life, they will make themselves a part of it-that’s not me either. I will continue to be the best friend I can be, to everyone that wants to be part of my life. Which I hope would be everyone I come into contact with, but I realize that’s probably not the case. Yes, I realize I carry a lot of baggage and I realize that sometimes I do not always welcome people with open arms. But I am so tired of listening to everyone around me (not everyone, but some) that over dramatize every situation and make sure they are involved in everything. I understand, that is some people’s nature. That is OK. I however, need to make it a point to choose my “friends” more wisely and stop investing so much time in people that clearly have no intention of investing the same time in me or our friendship.

I will get off my soap box now. Again, apologies for those that read this and take offense, It’s how I feel. I can’t help how I feel, But I needed a secure place to vent-