Loyalties & forgetfulness

I’m going to start this blog by apologizing that I haven’t written in some time.

 

There have been numerous reasons for the absence, but mostly because I felt like it was important to step back for a few weeks and distract myself from the constant reminder that is my normal life.

 

One year ago, when I started writing this blog (which was literally a year ago this month), I never dreamed of how the last year would have been for our family. Not only was I mourning the death of Ian & Owen as it was so fresh on my heart this time last year, but I also didn’t realize that I was also in preparation to deal with yet another loss, of yet another beautiful angel boy. A Part of me feels so very blessed, so be the mother of 5 handsome little boys and A part of me feels sad that 3 of them only knew this cruel world for such a short time. The other rest of my feeling range from anger towards God, which I’ve made no secret, anger towards myself, which I’ve made no secret, coupled with confusion, anxiety, and tons of questions that I know I won’t ever have the answer to.

 

This blog one year ago, was meant for me to have a space to vent, for me to tell everyone what was going on in my mind, my heart & my soul so that I didn’t have to answer 100 times a week how I am doing. Yes, it was literally that many times a week I was asked “How are you”. My response for many months was “read the blog”. I am so thankful for all of the support through this last year, because heaven knows I’m not sure where I would be mentally and emotionally right now were it not for the support of friends and family. There have even stranger in some parts of this healing process.

 

Speaking of process, This seems to be MORE than a process. While most days I struggle to find the words in my heart and mind. I can’t get them from there to paper. Some days, my words come out in anger. Some days they come out by tears, and some days, I just have nothing at all to say about it. At the end of the day, I have some guilt, because at times, there have been moments during the day that I have smiled or laughed or enjoyed myself, and felt enormous guilt after the fact because it’s scary to feel any kind of happiness through all of this. There are other days, where every single person and situation grates on my very last nerve and I feel like I can’t contain my anxiety about it anymore. There are other days, where I can sit beside someone, and hear nothing they have said unfortunately, because my mind is just blank.

 

I’ve heard many times in the past year how life moves on and things get easier. I can assure you, that is a lie. Things do not get easier, they get different. It took me an entire year to get to the point that some get to very quickly. For the first 6-8 months, my goal was to make sure everyone else was fine. I needed to protect my kids, I needed to make sure that they were dealing with this in the easiest form possible. I worried about their mental health, their emotional well-being and their social status as they learned how to deal with a loss their friends couldn’t relate to. Isaac especially because it’s something he will talk about if given the chance, but to his peers, it’s not REAL, it does not affect them, so it’s very hard for him to relate to anyone and be able to talk about it when he wants to. I made sure Cris and I were available to them, to help them understand IF they wanted to talk, or IF they had any questions. I made it a POINT to only really open up to my closest of close friends, which included only about 2-3 people. I only gave myself a few seconds a day to let people know I wasn’t OK, and I tried to just get over it and move on about my day. I had work, I had a husband (will, still have! LOL) and I had responsibilities that I couldn’t stop just because I was dead inside. It took my 8-10 months to realize that I was infact just that….dead inside.

 

When it got to the point of days and days of anxiety and panic consuming everything I did along with multitudes of over reactions and constant worry and regret, it became oh so clear that it was time for me to face the reality that my new normal just plain sucks.

 

I spent a lot of time on facebook ridding myself of things that unintentionally caused me anxiety and hurt. People didn’t do or say things on purpose, but it was me that needed to make that move and adjustment in my life. I immediately felt better. I lost a lot of passion for things I once loved, like taking pictures. I have just more recently started looking at photography again, and seeing the beauty in it I’ve been missing the last year. The only pictures I’ve allowed myself to look @ for a year are the pictures of my 3 angel sons.

 

 

I have found it really interesting in the last year, the cycles of friends that have come and gone from my life. I have spent so much time consumed in my hurt and pain that I have missed many of the friends I had, leaving my life. Apparently, it’s ok because #1-I didn’t notice & #2-some of them were only in my life for the purpose of finding out what happened. That is human nature, I’m not upset. It is partially my fault; because a good friend is not something I have been capable of being the last year and half of my life. I’m still not even to that point yet and I know this. But what impresses me the most, are those that are new”er” to my life now. It still amazes me how situations bring about friendships in your life that for whatever reason are there to serve a purpose. I’ve been grateful for all sets of friends, those that were there before my life flipped upside down and have since moved on, those that are new to my life since it changed so drastically, and those that were there before and continue to be here now, walking beside me every step of the way. One of the hardest parts for me is separating myself from those in my life that are choosing to grow their families. While I am overjoyed for all of those friends, I personally cannot experience that emotion right now, so I have chosen to distance myself from it. That is one area of this healing process, I am not ready to face.

 

Cris and I took a trip to Jamaica to celebrate our 10 year anniversary earlier this month. If you would have told me 10 years ago, the direction our lives would be in, I never would have believed you. I thought I was invincible. I had 2 healthy pregnancies years ago, why would it be different now. I had some issues in 2007 with a possible never proven miscarriage, but I was so unattached to that, the effects were nothing compared to now. I’ve had some emotional roller coasters in the last week or so, and a few hurdles thrown in my way, but I am sure just like all else, we will prevail. We enjoyed our vacation alone, our time together and the chance to ignore everything else that’s happened. It was nice to escape, even for 4 days.

 

I’ve learned that things change from day to day, so in a year, if I am still writing this blog, it will be nice to look back and HOPE that I have grown, and improved in this process. There is no amount of support great enough to get one through this horrible experience, but every little bit together helps make it tolerable! TO all of those that have been in such great support in the last 14 months, thank you!