I need control.....
We are getting into the Holiday season now and this year it carries an entirely different meaning for me than it did even last year.
I sat here today beside Isaac watching him sleep as we are both recovering from the flu and it hit me that this time 11 years ago, I was lying in a hospital bed in the middle of a 4 day labor process waiting for my little bundle of joy to be born. I was scared to death, as my labor was induced due to my blood pressure. Isaac wasn't due for another 2 weeks. It was dark in my room, I had no idea what I was getting into and I was excited and very very nervous. Cris and I were not married at the time but both of our families were there waiting on the birth of their first nephew & Grandson. I remember sleeping a lot and I remember a lot of drugs being pumped into my arms for days on end it seemed like. Saturday night around 9pm we were at the point of making some decisions. Isaac wasn't willing to budge and I had been in labor entirely too long for anyones liking (especially mine). They brought us a bunch of C-section forms to sign if our 1st line of defense didn't work. So, the fun began and little did I know in just a few hours after midnight, my angel baby would be born. It took an extremely long time, I was exhausted and overwhelmed but for those 1st few minutes after he was born were the most enjoyable moments of my life. You so soon forget the pain and misery it took to get him into this world while he lays there with his huge brown eyes staring at me.
FOr me, the HOlidays don't start until AFTER Isaac's birthday. I realize he's not as close as some to Christmas but I always like to separate the two for so many reasons.
I tell you this story, because it really truly starts this journey I've been living for the last 11 years. Isaac was the beginning of something WONDERFUL for me...Motherhood. I knew I wanted kids when I was 14 years old. Call me crazy...but I knew. Deep in my heart I was raised to do things in the proper order, but let's face it ; I blew that right out of the water early on. I wanted kids. I knew that was what I wanted and I knew that was what was meant to be. Yes, I was scared to death being a teenage mother, but I had the support of a loving partner and a wonderful family. Extended and Close and including Cris' family.
After many trials and changes, four years later came Caleb. He brought an entirely new set of "rules" to the table. Cris and I had been married since Isaac was 8 months old and believe me, if you can survive Caleb, you can survive the Mohave desert in 300 degree temperatures with no water for 2 weeks. Believe me! My kids are unique and spirited in their own wonderful ways. They are full of spirit, of life and of love. They have hearts of gold and somedays hearts of stone. But they get it honestly.
I thought from one day to the next that Cris and I had seen it all and done it all. We had accomplished having 2 beautiful healthy babies. We had the typical first 5 years of marriage issues, we had financial woes, spiritual woes and growing pains. I knew we could conquor the world as long as we were together.
THen, on June 24, 2011, my entire outlook on conquoring the world was shattered. It was then I think, that the true me started to emerge and I am just figuring out some things about myself NOW that I never should have missed. NO one can ever tell you that losing children doesn't completely change you from the inside out.
I realize now looking back on that day 18 months ago, that JUNE 24th was the day I lost control of my life. since that day, I have tried everything in my power to maintain control over every situation in my life. Lack of control is what is making me nuts.
I don't mean big things like keeping my sons alive when that clearly was out of my control. I mean SMALL things too. Things like, sharing my work @ work with other people, sharing my kids with their grandparents. I have a severe fear of "letting go" of the control. I see it now. Perhaps it's been there my entire life, or maybe I am grasping onto the feeling I had when I watched Ian and Owen breathe for the last time. Perhaps it was at that moment that something inside of me clicked and has made me feel that I need complete control over everything that happens in my life, all of the time. Certainly doing the same thing months later with Maddox didn't help. But, it's truly becoming a source of "center" in my life. I am at home this week, sick with the flu and all I can think about is stuff going on @ work. Who is doing this and who is doing that, how big of a mess it will be when I get back, etc. I can't bring myself to stop the feeling of complete recklesness in my life. I need my hands around all things going on in my little world and close around me. I think it's my way to compensate for the inability to control the loss.
It is slowly becoming an issue in my life. Personal and Professional. I can not bring myself to relinquish the control that I feel that I need to make my life run like I want it to. But, I also can sit back right now and see all of the things in my life that are spiraling out of control and I can't change them. Mistakes are made. Words that can't be taken back are said, Hearts are broken, Lies are told, People are hurt...and I can't control anything. I feel a sense of ownership with every event that has taken place over the course of the last 18 months. Most of which does involve the deaths but mostly, my remorse and regret is centered around events that have taken place since the deaths. I have been fighting a very private and personal battle with myself for a long time. THe more i try to gain control.....the more the situations become uncontrollable....
We are getting into the Holiday season now and this year it carries an entirely different meaning for me than it did even last year.
I sat here today beside Isaac watching him sleep as we are both recovering from the flu and it hit me that this time 11 years ago, I was lying in a hospital bed in the middle of a 4 day labor process waiting for my little bundle of joy to be born. I was scared to death, as my labor was induced due to my blood pressure. Isaac wasn't due for another 2 weeks. It was dark in my room, I had no idea what I was getting into and I was excited and very very nervous. Cris and I were not married at the time but both of our families were there waiting on the birth of their first nephew & Grandson. I remember sleeping a lot and I remember a lot of drugs being pumped into my arms for days on end it seemed like. Saturday night around 9pm we were at the point of making some decisions. Isaac wasn't willing to budge and I had been in labor entirely too long for anyones liking (especially mine). They brought us a bunch of C-section forms to sign if our 1st line of defense didn't work. So, the fun began and little did I know in just a few hours after midnight, my angel baby would be born. It took an extremely long time, I was exhausted and overwhelmed but for those 1st few minutes after he was born were the most enjoyable moments of my life. You so soon forget the pain and misery it took to get him into this world while he lays there with his huge brown eyes staring at me.
FOr me, the HOlidays don't start until AFTER Isaac's birthday. I realize he's not as close as some to Christmas but I always like to separate the two for so many reasons.
I tell you this story, because it really truly starts this journey I've been living for the last 11 years. Isaac was the beginning of something WONDERFUL for me...Motherhood. I knew I wanted kids when I was 14 years old. Call me crazy...but I knew. Deep in my heart I was raised to do things in the proper order, but let's face it ; I blew that right out of the water early on. I wanted kids. I knew that was what I wanted and I knew that was what was meant to be. Yes, I was scared to death being a teenage mother, but I had the support of a loving partner and a wonderful family. Extended and Close and including Cris' family.
After many trials and changes, four years later came Caleb. He brought an entirely new set of "rules" to the table. Cris and I had been married since Isaac was 8 months old and believe me, if you can survive Caleb, you can survive the Mohave desert in 300 degree temperatures with no water for 2 weeks. Believe me! My kids are unique and spirited in their own wonderful ways. They are full of spirit, of life and of love. They have hearts of gold and somedays hearts of stone. But they get it honestly.
I thought from one day to the next that Cris and I had seen it all and done it all. We had accomplished having 2 beautiful healthy babies. We had the typical first 5 years of marriage issues, we had financial woes, spiritual woes and growing pains. I knew we could conquor the world as long as we were together.
THen, on June 24, 2011, my entire outlook on conquoring the world was shattered. It was then I think, that the true me started to emerge and I am just figuring out some things about myself NOW that I never should have missed. NO one can ever tell you that losing children doesn't completely change you from the inside out.
I realize now looking back on that day 18 months ago, that JUNE 24th was the day I lost control of my life. since that day, I have tried everything in my power to maintain control over every situation in my life. Lack of control is what is making me nuts.
I don't mean big things like keeping my sons alive when that clearly was out of my control. I mean SMALL things too. Things like, sharing my work @ work with other people, sharing my kids with their grandparents. I have a severe fear of "letting go" of the control. I see it now. Perhaps it's been there my entire life, or maybe I am grasping onto the feeling I had when I watched Ian and Owen breathe for the last time. Perhaps it was at that moment that something inside of me clicked and has made me feel that I need complete control over everything that happens in my life, all of the time. Certainly doing the same thing months later with Maddox didn't help. But, it's truly becoming a source of "center" in my life. I am at home this week, sick with the flu and all I can think about is stuff going on @ work. Who is doing this and who is doing that, how big of a mess it will be when I get back, etc. I can't bring myself to stop the feeling of complete recklesness in my life. I need my hands around all things going on in my little world and close around me. I think it's my way to compensate for the inability to control the loss.
It is slowly becoming an issue in my life. Personal and Professional. I can not bring myself to relinquish the control that I feel that I need to make my life run like I want it to. But, I also can sit back right now and see all of the things in my life that are spiraling out of control and I can't change them. Mistakes are made. Words that can't be taken back are said, Hearts are broken, Lies are told, People are hurt...and I can't control anything. I feel a sense of ownership with every event that has taken place over the course of the last 18 months. Most of which does involve the deaths but mostly, my remorse and regret is centered around events that have taken place since the deaths. I have been fighting a very private and personal battle with myself for a long time. THe more i try to gain control.....the more the situations become uncontrollable....
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