Stuff just SUCKS...
Let's be real here. It just sucks. No sugar coating, no bells and whistles, no pretty bows...stuff just SUCKS!
"losing a child changes your entire life"
You know what I have to say to that?? No SHIT SHERLOCK!
I've had more weak moments in the last month then I care to talk about. I can't even count now on one hand how many instances have taken places over the last 19 months that have significantly changed my life.
I look back and see this spiral that keeps going and going with no end in sight. It's just this long train of emotions that is up and down and sideways! Some days it seems to come to a complete hault and I am numb to every bad situation that happens. Some days, I am overly sensitive to the smallest of things.
I was never one to believe that people can drastically change over the course of time. I was the dilusional and naive child that believed you fall in love with the core of a human being. Their actions and reactions might change over time, but their core is always what it is. It stays the same as it was when you met them. Boy, was I wrong! This is true in friendships, relationships, love, hate, family, all of it! People change. People Grow, People deal differently, some don't deal at all, and some just go on living life the way their soul leads them to whether it's right, wrong or indifferent.
I know that most of what I am putting on paper tonight isn't really making sense. I have held so many emotions inside of me for far too long because I can't figure out how to get them out.
The more layers i peel away at this hurt, the more anger I discover. I have mentioned before that I have become obsessed with control over every small detail in my life. Since I lost Maddox, I have had health issue after health issue after personal issue, after emotional issue and I just can't get my hands and head around my life at all.I want to stand on top of a building and just scream out everything that is going on so I can get it out-but I know that won't solve the problems in my life.
I am betrayed, I am broken, I am for all intents and purposes, very lifeless and numb. I have lost the control I crave over all aspects of my personal life.
In light of the tragedy on CT on Friday...I watched in awe like probably every other american the CNN live version on Friday night as they talked w/ parents, students, teachers and friends associated with the slayingsof those young babies. I cried in hurt for those parents and I cried in disbelief...but I never felt "sad" if that makes sense. It scares me to feel that I have lost that emotion. That I have become so numb to this part of my life now. I watched on yahoo, the story of a little 6 year old girl that was slain. Her parents told of her story. I cried in listening to her parents talk about how they haven't even hit the angry emotion yet...and I kept saying to myself, it takes FOREVER TO GET to that point.
Losing a child changes marraige, it changes family and it changes your close relationships. I am just starting to feel "ok" about having public weak moments. I know I have irritated my family to no end because I can't talk to them about the babies. I just can't. Moms are supossed to protect their children. I have a very hard time looking my mom in the eye and speaking about losing her grandchild. I couldn't stop it. I failed at protecting her grandchild. I failed at protecting my sister and sister in laws nephews. I failed at protecting the newest grandson to all of their grandparents. I failed at the attemmpt to protect ISaac and Caleb's brothers. It's a hard pill to swallow. It affects relationships.
I feel so lifeless and helpless. I feel like 100% of the time is my time to be strong. I have private weak moments...but now, it seems like it doesn't matter where I am or what time of day it is, the weak moments just fly. I have been betrayed in so many ways. I want to scream about it, I need to release the energy and release the anger...but it's so fresh, it's so raw.
Things just SUCK!
Let's be real here. It just sucks. No sugar coating, no bells and whistles, no pretty bows...stuff just SUCKS!
"losing a child changes your entire life"
You know what I have to say to that?? No SHIT SHERLOCK!
I've had more weak moments in the last month then I care to talk about. I can't even count now on one hand how many instances have taken places over the last 19 months that have significantly changed my life.
I look back and see this spiral that keeps going and going with no end in sight. It's just this long train of emotions that is up and down and sideways! Some days it seems to come to a complete hault and I am numb to every bad situation that happens. Some days, I am overly sensitive to the smallest of things.
I was never one to believe that people can drastically change over the course of time. I was the dilusional and naive child that believed you fall in love with the core of a human being. Their actions and reactions might change over time, but their core is always what it is. It stays the same as it was when you met them. Boy, was I wrong! This is true in friendships, relationships, love, hate, family, all of it! People change. People Grow, People deal differently, some don't deal at all, and some just go on living life the way their soul leads them to whether it's right, wrong or indifferent.
I know that most of what I am putting on paper tonight isn't really making sense. I have held so many emotions inside of me for far too long because I can't figure out how to get them out.
The more layers i peel away at this hurt, the more anger I discover. I have mentioned before that I have become obsessed with control over every small detail in my life. Since I lost Maddox, I have had health issue after health issue after personal issue, after emotional issue and I just can't get my hands and head around my life at all.I want to stand on top of a building and just scream out everything that is going on so I can get it out-but I know that won't solve the problems in my life.
I am betrayed, I am broken, I am for all intents and purposes, very lifeless and numb. I have lost the control I crave over all aspects of my personal life.
In light of the tragedy on CT on Friday...I watched in awe like probably every other american the CNN live version on Friday night as they talked w/ parents, students, teachers and friends associated with the slayingsof those young babies. I cried in hurt for those parents and I cried in disbelief...but I never felt "sad" if that makes sense. It scares me to feel that I have lost that emotion. That I have become so numb to this part of my life now. I watched on yahoo, the story of a little 6 year old girl that was slain. Her parents told of her story. I cried in listening to her parents talk about how they haven't even hit the angry emotion yet...and I kept saying to myself, it takes FOREVER TO GET to that point.
Losing a child changes marraige, it changes family and it changes your close relationships. I am just starting to feel "ok" about having public weak moments. I know I have irritated my family to no end because I can't talk to them about the babies. I just can't. Moms are supossed to protect their children. I have a very hard time looking my mom in the eye and speaking about losing her grandchild. I couldn't stop it. I failed at protecting her grandchild. I failed at protecting my sister and sister in laws nephews. I failed at protecting the newest grandson to all of their grandparents. I failed at the attemmpt to protect ISaac and Caleb's brothers. It's a hard pill to swallow. It affects relationships.
I feel so lifeless and helpless. I feel like 100% of the time is my time to be strong. I have private weak moments...but now, it seems like it doesn't matter where I am or what time of day it is, the weak moments just fly. I have been betrayed in so many ways. I want to scream about it, I need to release the energy and release the anger...but it's so fresh, it's so raw.
Things just SUCK!
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