While Honesty IS always the best policy...perhaps my Over Honesty in my last blog post hurt some feelings. When I said that I am not comfortable outside my small circle, this was not directed at any one person or group of people. I am thankful for ALL of my friends, even those that feel helpless right now when it comes to caring for me and for my family. If I offended you, I'm sorry. I do have anger towards some things that have happened. I am bitter, and I won't apologize for that.
If you have stretched your arms out to help us and I have told you we are fine & don't need anything-it's because I don't know how to let people help us. I'm not the person that will joyfully run and ask for help. Please don't take offense to this. It just is not in my nature, I can't help it-
You know the other day when I said the tears are there, but they aren't coming yet?
Today, I eat my words.
I did great until Cris left this morning and I finally had some time to just be.
It was nice to have that time, but the 1st day is the hardest.
I worked on getting our bedroom back in order from where I started and never finished the closet.
Then our new dishwasher got here. Then I decided I HAD to take a shower and get out of this house by myself. I went to Kroger-Remember where I said I needed a friend that didn't care if I melted down in the middle of the store? I bet all of those shoppers were wishing the same thing. In my Kroger, baby aisle is shared by the bread aisle. Guess what one of my things was that I needed??? Yep, Bread.
I got a text message today from a friend that said it best "Being strong sucks". She was so right. After making myself go through Kroger I went to the post office to take a bunch of bills that should have been paid last week while I was in the hospital. Then I found myself sitting beside Ian & Owens grave in massive puddles of tears. I had to call the cemetary this morning to find out about our options for burying Maddoxs' remains. For some reason, I found myself sitting @ the foot of their grave unable to speak through the tears. It has been a long time since I've had the courage to go over there and today, for no reason at all, there I sat. It was not until today that the death of my 5th son became real to me. I have been "strong" for the last 5 days-Those 5 days seems like years.( I guess you could say realistically, it's been 8 months of this) But I think I have associated the time frame of this loss to the loss of Ian & Owen. I sat there remembering their beautiful little faces, hands, arms, knees, toes. I literally FELT those 2 angels in my arms again, and it made me really miss them and my Maddox. This time is easier, it really is in a different way, but today, was not a strong day. So for those of you that think I am strong, you can see that clearly am NOT. I thought having 1 loss of twins was difficult, Boy was I wrong...
If you have stretched your arms out to help us and I have told you we are fine & don't need anything-it's because I don't know how to let people help us. I'm not the person that will joyfully run and ask for help. Please don't take offense to this. It just is not in my nature, I can't help it-
You know the other day when I said the tears are there, but they aren't coming yet?
Today, I eat my words.
I did great until Cris left this morning and I finally had some time to just be.
It was nice to have that time, but the 1st day is the hardest.
I worked on getting our bedroom back in order from where I started and never finished the closet.
Then our new dishwasher got here. Then I decided I HAD to take a shower and get out of this house by myself. I went to Kroger-Remember where I said I needed a friend that didn't care if I melted down in the middle of the store? I bet all of those shoppers were wishing the same thing. In my Kroger, baby aisle is shared by the bread aisle. Guess what one of my things was that I needed??? Yep, Bread.
I got a text message today from a friend that said it best "Being strong sucks". She was so right. After making myself go through Kroger I went to the post office to take a bunch of bills that should have been paid last week while I was in the hospital. Then I found myself sitting beside Ian & Owens grave in massive puddles of tears. I had to call the cemetary this morning to find out about our options for burying Maddoxs' remains. For some reason, I found myself sitting @ the foot of their grave unable to speak through the tears. It has been a long time since I've had the courage to go over there and today, for no reason at all, there I sat. It was not until today that the death of my 5th son became real to me. I have been "strong" for the last 5 days-Those 5 days seems like years.( I guess you could say realistically, it's been 8 months of this) But I think I have associated the time frame of this loss to the loss of Ian & Owen. I sat there remembering their beautiful little faces, hands, arms, knees, toes. I literally FELT those 2 angels in my arms again, and it made me really miss them and my Maddox. This time is easier, it really is in a different way, but today, was not a strong day. So for those of you that think I am strong, you can see that clearly am NOT. I thought having 1 loss of twins was difficult, Boy was I wrong...
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