After each loss I think there are things that are hard to deal with in daily life until the "new normal" sets in.
After I lost the twins, I kept it to myself, but the new "pregnancies" really bothered me. While I was happy for my friends, it was really hard for me to hear their stories.
I eventually got over it but it was something I had to face while I was greiving. At 28 years old, greiving my own 2 children was something totally new for me. I was being faced with emotions I'd never felt in my life.
While it isn't any easier this time,it is different because I knew what to expect. It has been easier for me to go ahead and plan things to keep my mind occupied because after the twins, I felt so lost. I wasn't sure which direction to go in, and I wasn't sure what the end result was going to be. While I am still unsure of how this is all going to positively affect our lives, I have a better grip on this after losing Maddox.
Get ready for my incredibly selfish soap box moment.....
My "punch in the gut" during this pregnancy happened this morning. I expressed after losing Ian & Owen that I felt very strongly about how the people I thought should be there for us, weren't there for us. I keep up with so many people on facebook because I hate talking on the phone and honestly anymore, I don't really feel so comfortable outside of my small group of Mount Pleasant Mommy/Couple friends. I was excited to read that one of the woman @ the church we USED to attend was @ the same hospital having her 2nd child the same time we were there waiting for our outcome. I was told that many of our mutual aquantances were @ the hospital visiting her, which is AWESOME for her family-but not one of them reached out to us KNOWING we were just down the hall. Yes, I realize this is selfish that it hurt my feelings, but it does. I have gotten (if you look @ my FB) hundreds of prayers and well wishes which melt my heart each time I read them.So while I know how much I am blessed with family and friends that truly do love us and are there for us, it hurts that we are a convenience for some.
This morning is the first time I've been alone in over a week. I FEEL fine physically, and emotionally I've had a short meltdown about the above.
Losing 3 children by the age of 29 has given me more insight then I'd ever imagine to have. It has been well drawn out for me who my true friends really are. The ones that drive 4 hours in the middle of the night to be by my side, someone they have never met in person but talk to daily. The ones that were there in 30 seconds from the 1st phone call in June, leaving her 4 children behind to spend 10 hours by my side to hold my babies while they were alive. The same one that came in the middle ofthe night, mid panic attack to spend 5 minutes with Maddox. The family that turns their week upside down to make sure Isaac & Caleb are taken care of & Cris is getting the breaks he needs. The family that drives a 4 hour drive in 2 1/2 hours to be in the delivery room for her nephews, the one that sends me things to occupy my mind while I am on bedrest and sits by the phone to be here when she's needed. The one that makes meals, cleans the house, keeps the kids, and makes sure I am taken care of all of the time....I am blessed beyond measure and I know this. I don't want to be "convenient" for anyone, you are either in my life during the horribly bad and you're still there during the good, or you aren't there at all. My life is too insane and too emotional right now for the "friendship ride". I don't need 1/2 time friends, I need all of the time friends that know my situation and love me any way. I need supportive groups of friends that don't care if I melt down in the middle of the grocery store. I need those friends that don't get tired of a 2am text message that I don't know how I am going to make it through this, and I need those friends that respect that sometimes, I don't want to talk.
My punch in the gut moment has passed and I will get through this just like everything else. Maybe one of these days there won't be such a heavy burden on my heart.Maybe God will ease up on me. I guess I need to be thankful because if it's happening to me, maybe it's saving someone else the heartbreak. I don't know why I am the target of all of the pain and struggle for the last 3 years, but I guess someone thinks I am strong. That someone is WRONG, but they apparently don't know that yet. We just keep pushing on until someone decides enough is enough for me!
After I lost the twins, I kept it to myself, but the new "pregnancies" really bothered me. While I was happy for my friends, it was really hard for me to hear their stories.
I eventually got over it but it was something I had to face while I was greiving. At 28 years old, greiving my own 2 children was something totally new for me. I was being faced with emotions I'd never felt in my life.
While it isn't any easier this time,it is different because I knew what to expect. It has been easier for me to go ahead and plan things to keep my mind occupied because after the twins, I felt so lost. I wasn't sure which direction to go in, and I wasn't sure what the end result was going to be. While I am still unsure of how this is all going to positively affect our lives, I have a better grip on this after losing Maddox.
Get ready for my incredibly selfish soap box moment.....
My "punch in the gut" during this pregnancy happened this morning. I expressed after losing Ian & Owen that I felt very strongly about how the people I thought should be there for us, weren't there for us. I keep up with so many people on facebook because I hate talking on the phone and honestly anymore, I don't really feel so comfortable outside of my small group of Mount Pleasant Mommy/Couple friends. I was excited to read that one of the woman @ the church we USED to attend was @ the same hospital having her 2nd child the same time we were there waiting for our outcome. I was told that many of our mutual aquantances were @ the hospital visiting her, which is AWESOME for her family-but not one of them reached out to us KNOWING we were just down the hall. Yes, I realize this is selfish that it hurt my feelings, but it does. I have gotten (if you look @ my FB) hundreds of prayers and well wishes which melt my heart each time I read them.So while I know how much I am blessed with family and friends that truly do love us and are there for us, it hurts that we are a convenience for some.
This morning is the first time I've been alone in over a week. I FEEL fine physically, and emotionally I've had a short meltdown about the above.
Losing 3 children by the age of 29 has given me more insight then I'd ever imagine to have. It has been well drawn out for me who my true friends really are. The ones that drive 4 hours in the middle of the night to be by my side, someone they have never met in person but talk to daily. The ones that were there in 30 seconds from the 1st phone call in June, leaving her 4 children behind to spend 10 hours by my side to hold my babies while they were alive. The same one that came in the middle ofthe night, mid panic attack to spend 5 minutes with Maddox. The family that turns their week upside down to make sure Isaac & Caleb are taken care of & Cris is getting the breaks he needs. The family that drives a 4 hour drive in 2 1/2 hours to be in the delivery room for her nephews, the one that sends me things to occupy my mind while I am on bedrest and sits by the phone to be here when she's needed. The one that makes meals, cleans the house, keeps the kids, and makes sure I am taken care of all of the time....I am blessed beyond measure and I know this. I don't want to be "convenient" for anyone, you are either in my life during the horribly bad and you're still there during the good, or you aren't there at all. My life is too insane and too emotional right now for the "friendship ride". I don't need 1/2 time friends, I need all of the time friends that know my situation and love me any way. I need supportive groups of friends that don't care if I melt down in the middle of the grocery store. I need those friends that don't get tired of a 2am text message that I don't know how I am going to make it through this, and I need those friends that respect that sometimes, I don't want to talk.
My punch in the gut moment has passed and I will get through this just like everything else. Maybe one of these days there won't be such a heavy burden on my heart.Maybe God will ease up on me. I guess I need to be thankful because if it's happening to me, maybe it's saving someone else the heartbreak. I don't know why I am the target of all of the pain and struggle for the last 3 years, but I guess someone thinks I am strong. That someone is WRONG, but they apparently don't know that yet. We just keep pushing on until someone decides enough is enough for me!
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