Night Time

I am terrified of nighttime.

I am going to venture to guess it’s because I was in labor an entire 32 hours before realizing it and it was the nighttime the night of the 23^rd that was so terrible.

Last night, I had a wonderful panic attack @ the beginning of my sleep cycle. I woke up during it-thanks to Shelby who woke me up. She never lets me sleep through my attacks. She is the one that woke so much the night I was in labor and didn’t know it. If you’ve never had one (a panic attack that is) it does horrible things to your mind & body. Many years ago, I was prescribed xanax to have in the event that I get a panic attack. Mine are not often enough to warrant being medicated daily to prevent them, but this medicine is my “come back to life” pill for when I feel them coming on. Of course though, being pregnant, it’s a type “D” drug and strongly discouraged while expecting. I have the option to take a daily pill to keep me grounded but it’s not really necessary, as I have learned in the last 8 months how to control my emotions. Well, sort-of.

Anyway,

Having an attack sends messages to your brain telling it that “oops, let’s make her feel like she can’t breath and that she is suffocating to a very slow death”. I know that sounds funny, but mid attack-not so funny! I have unfortunately had so many that I now KNOW when they are coming on. I can feel them normally hours ahead of time. I am not 100% sure why last night it did not register because I was overly tired & I pushed myself a little past my limits last night. I felt a little weak while I was out with Isaac but I just attributed that to being tired. I’ve been really anxious this week because we’ve been busy every single night and there are things around the house that are suffering. I do not like piled up dishes, and my counter top is full of them. I do not like dog hair that I can gather to make 3 new Lab puppies in my corners and all over my hardwood floors, but I have started naming the clumps of black Shelby hair. =)

Kidding of course about naming the dog hair! I also hate laundry piled up, even though this laundry is CLEAN laundry, the basket pile is taller than I am and I just haven’t taken it to its respectable places to put it away!

So, I have been feeling anxious. Cris is always a HUGE help! BUT, I am trying to be cognoscente right now that he is a full time student on top of being a full time dad, husband and employee. He also has several volunteer positions and he is still working on the unfinished room in the house, as well as keeping up with all of the outside household duties-which also are suffering by the way! =) Not his fault though.

WHY can’t I be “THAT MOM”, You know, the one like my own mother who always had the house spic and span clean, smelling like pine sol & apple cider or homemade bread, even when NIETHER was in the works. My laundry was always folded and put away, my bed was always made, etc. My bed has not been made in my adult life unless my mother has come over for some reason. Then I can rest assured that my laundry will be done, bed will be made and my microwave will get cleaned! My mother is an excellent cleaner. Why couldn’t I have that abundant energy that she has seemed to have since I was, well, BORN!

Because of all of the above, I get anxious. Yes I know it’s stupid to be anxious about housework. However, I can’t help it. I WANT my house to look clean-even if I know it’s not 100% clean, I want it to APPEAR to be clean to those that don’t live here. I want my kids to remember growing up in a house that resembled a home of some sort-not a place where they couldn’t find things, or things were always dirty and dusty. I didn’t have it in my to wash the dishes @ 9:30 last night when we got home and settled down. SO, I went to bed, mad that the house looks like it does & irritated with myself for not being able to do it all. When I am NOT pregnant, I can’t even get it all done. It’s 50 times worse being pregnant & trying to accomplish everything. For those that do not know, I work full time. I love my job (most days, except for some “stupid” every now and then). But, my job is not a HARD job. It isn’t a physically demanding job. It is a mind challenging job some days and it does involve a full day all day behind the computer. I am on the phone a lot during the day and caring for 8 other people other than myself along with all of the customers I talk to. Some days, I do not particularly feel so “happy” but when I am with customers and techs, I have to at least SOUND like I am smiling. Again, I like my job but I am usually tired right now between 2-3 in the afternoon and it takes a long time to muster the energy to make the afternoon productive. Not to mention, when I leave @ 4:30 it’s usually either get the kids & get home, or come home and let the dog out, get dinner started, do laundry that wasn’t done the night before, vacuum, supervise homework (Cris is good @ this part), get the kids showers, spend SOME kind of quality time w/ them on nights that don’t involve basketball, soccer, indoor soccer, baseball, PTA or Rec club. Then it’s clean up dinner, if I have any energy left-again, Cris is SO GREAT with most of this stuff. Then bedtime-I am normally not far behind the boys when they go to bed. I am lucky now to make it to 9 or 9:30.

I firmly believe that PART of my panic attach stemmed from the above. Once I am in a panic mode, my mind plays tricks on me. It makes me believe that things are happening that really aren’t. For example, last night, I was 100% sure I was having the symptoms of labor again.  Looking back now I can see the warning signs that SHOULD have tipped me off and made me to go the doctor. So last night during my panic stricken sleepless night, I KNEW it was happening again. I was feeling pain that wasn’t really there; I was feeling pressure that wasn’t really there, etc. Of COURSE that made me even more anxious about sleep. =)

Tonight, I came home and vacuumed. Cris was doing the dishes when I walked in. He already had the boys’ home & their homework was done. I started a load of clothes, vacuumed what I could and am sitting down now waiting on dinner that I do not have to cook to get here. Maybe tonight I can sleep-

Maybe one of these days, I will not hate nights so much. Nights make me feel so paranoid.