This is going to be a VERY emotional week for me.
I've been expecting it, but I have FELT the emotional stress in the last 10 days or so.
This week ONE year ago, we found out we were pregnant with what we thought was to be our 3rd and last child. NEXT Sunday, will be the exact point in which we lost the twins in our pregnancy. This happens to also fall on my mother in law's birthday, so the emotions of that day will be difficult and happy all @ the same time. We are at a crucial point in our pregnancy this week. We have a big ultrasound on Friday to make sure all of the blood is flowing correctly as it should be. It also will check the babys' heart and lungs and development and make sure all things are in tact as they should be. With the twins, we weren't able to get the ventricles of the heart very well and had scheduled to go back the next week. We didn't make it to the next week.
As most of you know, we've had a huge stress hanging over our heads for about 2 1/2 years. It was the gift that kept giving in Richmond! We can finally see a DIM DIM light @ the end of this tunnel. While I should be jumping up and down with excitement, I am stricken with emotions instead. I am excited and scared to death. I feel like we have waited SO LONG to close this chapter of our lives that the excitement I THOUGHT I would feel isn't really there.
I think I have come to the conclusion as I thought about this tonight; I am finally starting to deal with losing my sons. I think I have outwardly dealt with it for the past 8 months, but I have not inwardly truly stopped and dealt with it. The reason I feel like I finally am, is because I am noticing changes in my life. The things I found enjoyable at one point or another, I now find to be a chore. I am not depressed as I am sure so many of you are thinking right now. I have had anxiety and depression symptoms and I know the difference, I am just merely starting to DEAL with things. My pregnancy this time around is really different than any other-not ONLY because it a pegnancy after a loss, but it's just different physically for me. I was SICK with the twins. Not so much with Isaac or Caleb. With this one, I go through 10-15 minutes several times a day of sickness. I have a lot of headaches. I get tired in the middle of the afternoon. I don't feel very social. I am NOT hungry, I have zero appetite. I haven't felt like cooking in WEEKS-my poor husband and kids are having to eat a LOT of cereal and quick fix meals. So, I realize some of this is pregnancy related, but I know in my heart some of it is that I am finally stopping long enough to feel the emotions left behind from losing the boys.
If there is anything that I learned from this experience, it is that when you experience a loss, the best thing that you can do for yourself, is surround yourself with people that love you & can be there for you-in any capacity you need them to be.
With that being said, there is another aspect of my life that is causing great stress & emotional turmoil. I will not go into details, because it's really not in anyones best interest to smear feelings of this sort all over public reading material. I just think there are WAY too many hot and cold people in this world. I read something this week that Will Smith said, something CLOSE to "If you aren't there for my failures, don't expect me to be there for your success". I know this isn't exactly what it was, but it was close. At least that's what I got from it. =) To me, this rings very close to home. If you can be there for me in my hardest times, but then can't reach out to me in your own-how is that a friendship? If you can not be there for me in a joyous and scary time because you are dealing with turmoil yourself, how is this a friendship. Being selfish isn't the answer. Surrounding onesself with love and support IS the answer, even if the conditions are a little uncomfortable for a little while. Understand that it's temporary.
There are so many things going on this week-sports practices, PTA meetings, school board meetings, birthdays, work stuff, Richmond stuff, a sick child & stresses I am sure I haven't been introduced to yet. I am trying to remain excited and positive about our upcoming appointment and trying to protect myself from the stress.
I've been expecting it, but I have FELT the emotional stress in the last 10 days or so.
This week ONE year ago, we found out we were pregnant with what we thought was to be our 3rd and last child. NEXT Sunday, will be the exact point in which we lost the twins in our pregnancy. This happens to also fall on my mother in law's birthday, so the emotions of that day will be difficult and happy all @ the same time. We are at a crucial point in our pregnancy this week. We have a big ultrasound on Friday to make sure all of the blood is flowing correctly as it should be. It also will check the babys' heart and lungs and development and make sure all things are in tact as they should be. With the twins, we weren't able to get the ventricles of the heart very well and had scheduled to go back the next week. We didn't make it to the next week.
As most of you know, we've had a huge stress hanging over our heads for about 2 1/2 years. It was the gift that kept giving in Richmond! We can finally see a DIM DIM light @ the end of this tunnel. While I should be jumping up and down with excitement, I am stricken with emotions instead. I am excited and scared to death. I feel like we have waited SO LONG to close this chapter of our lives that the excitement I THOUGHT I would feel isn't really there.
I think I have come to the conclusion as I thought about this tonight; I am finally starting to deal with losing my sons. I think I have outwardly dealt with it for the past 8 months, but I have not inwardly truly stopped and dealt with it. The reason I feel like I finally am, is because I am noticing changes in my life. The things I found enjoyable at one point or another, I now find to be a chore. I am not depressed as I am sure so many of you are thinking right now. I have had anxiety and depression symptoms and I know the difference, I am just merely starting to DEAL with things. My pregnancy this time around is really different than any other-not ONLY because it a pegnancy after a loss, but it's just different physically for me. I was SICK with the twins. Not so much with Isaac or Caleb. With this one, I go through 10-15 minutes several times a day of sickness. I have a lot of headaches. I get tired in the middle of the afternoon. I don't feel very social. I am NOT hungry, I have zero appetite. I haven't felt like cooking in WEEKS-my poor husband and kids are having to eat a LOT of cereal and quick fix meals. So, I realize some of this is pregnancy related, but I know in my heart some of it is that I am finally stopping long enough to feel the emotions left behind from losing the boys.
If there is anything that I learned from this experience, it is that when you experience a loss, the best thing that you can do for yourself, is surround yourself with people that love you & can be there for you-in any capacity you need them to be.
With that being said, there is another aspect of my life that is causing great stress & emotional turmoil. I will not go into details, because it's really not in anyones best interest to smear feelings of this sort all over public reading material. I just think there are WAY too many hot and cold people in this world. I read something this week that Will Smith said, something CLOSE to "If you aren't there for my failures, don't expect me to be there for your success". I know this isn't exactly what it was, but it was close. At least that's what I got from it. =) To me, this rings very close to home. If you can be there for me in my hardest times, but then can't reach out to me in your own-how is that a friendship? If you can not be there for me in a joyous and scary time because you are dealing with turmoil yourself, how is this a friendship. Being selfish isn't the answer. Surrounding onesself with love and support IS the answer, even if the conditions are a little uncomfortable for a little while. Understand that it's temporary.
There are so many things going on this week-sports practices, PTA meetings, school board meetings, birthdays, work stuff, Richmond stuff, a sick child & stresses I am sure I haven't been introduced to yet. I am trying to remain excited and positive about our upcoming appointment and trying to protect myself from the stress.
Comments
Post a Comment