We are 2 days away from 18 weeks. Which means we are exactly 18 DAYS away from the time in our pregnancy that the twins were born.
I've said before, I am fortunate to have a great doctor who supports everything and understands how I am feeling. She told me this week during an appointment that she feels like if we can get to 20 weeks, I will feel better. I am sure she is right, but I will find something else to obsess over in this pregnancy I am SURE.
I've struggled lately with some "lost relationships". Mostly those that I could really use in my life to support me and be here for me while I am traveling a very lonely and hard journey.
I realize to a lot of people-being pregnant is not a big dramatic event, but I assure you-after being through what we have, having all of the support of everyone in our life is really important to me. I haven't had that by a few select people in my life and it really has weight heavily on my heart.
I guess somehow, I have always believed that God puts people in our lives for certain TIMES-to be there for certain reasons to help us cope or get through whatever we are dealing with. The same goes the other way-I believe we are put into others lives to aid them in their journey. I found out on June 24, 2011 that God giveth and God Taketh away-QUICKLY.
Yes I did say GOD gives and HE takes away. Most people don't feel that GOD does this-but I sure do. Which does lead me to the fact that YES, I am still angry with God. I am not AS angry with God, but I continue to choose to still question so many things.
Subconciously, I do know that God is also the reason for all of the blessings in my life-and I am thankful. However, I am still very catious of HOW thankful I am.....I am sure this doesn't sound like a good plan, but it works for me right now.
Getting back to my original point-I am disapointed that #1-God took away my 2 of my sons. #2-God took away a good supportive friend.
I've had so many thoughts about Ian & Owen lately. Another mother of a twin angel and I talked earlier in the week and she is doing a walk for her son that she lost (she is in another state). She asked me if she could also honor Ian & Owen in this-and it made me cry because she was thinking of MY sons while still mourning for hers.
I can't go to the grave side-I have this PICTURE in my mind of the teeny tiny white casket that they were buried in. In my mind, I do not see THEM inside. Because I REALIZE obviously they are not in there-but I WANT them to still be there-I want to believe if I needed to see them again, I could. ALthough-we all know this is not possible other than the pictures i have of them.
Anyway-I am looking forward to our ultrasound in 2 weeks-although I think to me, it will be SO HARD to see this baby on the screen because I will be looking for BAby "b"-but I am trying to remember how Thankful I am for this second chance (or 5th chance) depending on how you look @ things!
I've said before, I am fortunate to have a great doctor who supports everything and understands how I am feeling. She told me this week during an appointment that she feels like if we can get to 20 weeks, I will feel better. I am sure she is right, but I will find something else to obsess over in this pregnancy I am SURE.
I've struggled lately with some "lost relationships". Mostly those that I could really use in my life to support me and be here for me while I am traveling a very lonely and hard journey.
I realize to a lot of people-being pregnant is not a big dramatic event, but I assure you-after being through what we have, having all of the support of everyone in our life is really important to me. I haven't had that by a few select people in my life and it really has weight heavily on my heart.
I guess somehow, I have always believed that God puts people in our lives for certain TIMES-to be there for certain reasons to help us cope or get through whatever we are dealing with. The same goes the other way-I believe we are put into others lives to aid them in their journey. I found out on June 24, 2011 that God giveth and God Taketh away-QUICKLY.
Yes I did say GOD gives and HE takes away. Most people don't feel that GOD does this-but I sure do. Which does lead me to the fact that YES, I am still angry with God. I am not AS angry with God, but I continue to choose to still question so many things.
Subconciously, I do know that God is also the reason for all of the blessings in my life-and I am thankful. However, I am still very catious of HOW thankful I am.....I am sure this doesn't sound like a good plan, but it works for me right now.
Getting back to my original point-I am disapointed that #1-God took away my 2 of my sons. #2-God took away a good supportive friend.
I've had so many thoughts about Ian & Owen lately. Another mother of a twin angel and I talked earlier in the week and she is doing a walk for her son that she lost (she is in another state). She asked me if she could also honor Ian & Owen in this-and it made me cry because she was thinking of MY sons while still mourning for hers.
I can't go to the grave side-I have this PICTURE in my mind of the teeny tiny white casket that they were buried in. In my mind, I do not see THEM inside. Because I REALIZE obviously they are not in there-but I WANT them to still be there-I want to believe if I needed to see them again, I could. ALthough-we all know this is not possible other than the pictures i have of them.
Anyway-I am looking forward to our ultrasound in 2 weeks-although I think to me, it will be SO HARD to see this baby on the screen because I will be looking for BAby "b"-but I am trying to remember how Thankful I am for this second chance (or 5th chance) depending on how you look @ things!
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