Long & all over the place!
I am feeling very weepy today!
Actually, I have felt this way for a couple of days.
February is ALWAYS a busy month in my family. Birthdays start @ the end of January & continue into March covering MOST of my immediate family. Both Grandparents, sister, mom, husband, mother in law, brother in law & a few friends. There are a few stragglers in Late March-June. It’s funny though-even as busy as we are, this is kind of like Christmas all over again to me-I SHOULD be excited about all of this, but I am really just not.
We had a great time out w/ Friends on Friday night-and that was really needed for my mental state. Saturday, we really did NOTHING except go to Isaacs’s basketball game. It was a really lazy day! That was nice-but I regret it today because there is laundry to be done, floors to clean, you know, all of the crazy stuff that happens in life! =)
I took the day off on Friday from work because I’ve just had a lot going on and needed some time to get some errands done and some other things done for ME that I had been putting off. I was hoping a little retail therapy, getting my hair done and spending some quiet time would do some good, but it didn’t. I didn’t get the satisfaction out of that I was hoping for.
We got a note in the mail on Saturday from our awesome mortgage guy that sends us cards a lot. This one was “congratulations on your 1 year anniversary in your new home”.
I read it and didn’t give it a lot of thought-but later, it hit me, it HAS been a whole year in our new home (our FOURTH new home).
What a year it’s been. The previous year, as most of you know, my in-laws were gracious enough to open their house to us while we tried to sell our Richmond house giving us time to get grounded back in Roanoke and find a new house. What was supposed to be a few weeks to a few months @ most in living with them, turned into 15 months.
We found a house closer to the middle & high school the kids will eventually go to. The house had been vacant for a LONG time and needed a lot of work to the inside to make it more of the way we wanted it-so for a few weeks in February, we worked countless hours on floors, walls, painting, carpets, fixtures, windows, etc. We finally moved in the week of my birthday. Shortly after moving in, we found out we were expecting again. A few short weeks later, we found out about the TWINS. Then, within 4 months-we were burying 2 of our sons.
During all of this, we were still struggling with the sell of our Richmond house. Then, a few months later, we found out we were pregnant again unexpectedly. It’s been really long, mostly horrible & hard 1st year in our home.
Of course in thinking about all of this, I realized that even almost 8 months after the tragic event in our lives, I still have so much bitterness and anger about it. I frustrate me that people don’t understand. It frustrates me that I feel like I need a REASON or that I need to EXPLAIN myself to others when I just feel like being bitchy. I realize that losing my sons can’t be an excuse for the rest of my life as to why I no longer care what flies out of my mouth, or that I say exactly what I mean most of the time with no second thought. However, for now, it works. It irritates me that others just move on with their lives and seem to forget all of the events of the last 8 months. I know it’s different when you’re not IN this situation.
Lately, I feel like such a horrible parent because I have lost the ability to care about the “small stuff”. I’ve been head on facing the challenges associated with my kids daily lives in school & in the community. I have seen 1st hand the unrealistic (at least in my eyes) expectations for children in some respects. I don’t know if it’s just my lackluster attitude about life in general right now, or my desire to just allow my children to BE children, but there are things as a parent that I just feel should be left unsaid or not communicated between the school system & the parents.
What happened to the days where there were no “choices”? You misbehave; you are removed from the classroom. What happened to the day when you are no longer asked to do something, you are TOLD to do it and then if you don’t, you are reprimanded. I do realize in this day & age, there are parents that would consider that corporal punishment-but in my eyes; we need to get back to this. We society right now is full of successful people who were brought up with RULES and guidelines with no option to follow them. I really cringe to think of how my children and THEIR children are going to be as adults since they are given a CHOICE as to whether they behave or not in school or in the community when their parents aren’t present. My point to this is, I’ve been dealing with some issues (or I should say WE, me and Cris) with Caleb & his personality in school. Don’t get me wrong; he’s not a bad child or THAT child that misbehaves all the time. But he is a challenge. The child has been a challenge since the day he was born. We knew he was trouble when he scaled 2 gates @ 8 months old to get out of his room & we used to have to wedge a wooden spoon in his door to keep him IN his room during the night to ensure his safety! We knew he was trouble when he ate an entire blue inkpad on his 2nd birthday. The child lives for the moment-the RIGHT NOW. He is a lot like I was growing up-or so I am told. He sits @ the breakfast table and plans his next meal. He gets $5 and it’s gone in 6 seconds. He lives for this very second. He can turn on and off like a light switch with his mood. So, we KNEW he was going to be a challenge in school. Not because he doesn’t understand, but because he has a personality that is hard to match with a teacher. Yes, he does push the limits that any 6 year old could push-but he does it 100 times more. No, he doesn’t always listen and he is borderline disrespectful when he is agitated. But, I can tell you; I’ve lived with and raised this child for the last 6 years. I know he is a challenge and it’s irritating to be told DAILY that he is a hard student to have. It gets very discouraging and frustrating as a parent to get a vomit feeling when you see the school phone # on the caller ID. It’s frustrating because I already know what they are telling me and in my opinion, it needs to be dealt with at school. For all of my teacher friends, this is not a direct reflection of all teachers, believe me. I also think a LOT of the teachers that my kids have this year. I think they are wonderful people-all of the teachers @ their schools are fantastic. I just get frustrated with the communication over some things and lack of communication over others. Please remember, this is not an open forum for heated discussion and I am not bucking the system here and laying anyone out for controversy, so please just respect this as my rant and opinion and not as me trying to start something about the school system, politics, or differences in children. Again, I will say that I realize this is a public school system and my expectations are possible a little higher than what is available BECAUSE of our economy, the politics involved and the differences in student personalities! In no way are my kids perfect kids. In NO WAY am I a perfect parent. This again, is just a frustrated rant.
There was a customer that came into work on June 23rd 2011. I remember this because he used to come in a LOT and that day specifically I remember because we were talking about the twins (he is a twin father) and he said, “you’re waddling a little, are you done being pregnant yet”? I remember oh so vividly that I laughed and said, “I am a little uncomfortable”. Of course looking back, I was already in labor and didn’t know it. Those words have haunted me like you wouldn’t believe since that day. Well, he came into work again today (He hasn’t been apparently in 8 months). Because with a huge smile on his face he said “I can’t believe you came back to work, how are the twins”. I literally stared at him and no words would come out. He stopped smiling & looked @ me puzzled as I said; they were born the day after you were here in June and they did not make it.
I really thought all of the awkward conversations were done in this process.
I’ve had several really good months-but people were right when they said that you would grieve for the rest of your life. Those that know me know that I am PETRIFIED of house fire. I’ve never been in one and I’ve honestly never seen one, but I am terrified of it. I’ve envisioned many times in my life in what order things would happen if this were to ever occur. Well, I was so deep in thought about something else the other day that my mind had flipped onto a house fire again and my thoughts were “is everything of the twins in 1 place where I can get it if I need it quickly to get out of this house”. Of course, I was also thinking about how quickly I could pack the boys things and get them & their clothes out safely, but I was so worried about the basket I have in my closet of the Twins things, even as small of a basket as that is. Isn’t that silly?
I am THAT paranoid pregnant woman. Constantly waiting to see blood, or feel my water break again like it did with the boys. My every single day is consumed with thoughts such as this. Everyone wonders why I am tired all the time. I am OBSESSED with the thought that any day could be “the day” with this baby. As my Doctor has said, I’ve had 2 singleton normal pregnancies, what happened with the twins was a fluke because there were 2. She believes whole-heartedly that there is NO REASON to believe that anything is going to happen. She feels like most of my friends & family do. But again I say, it’s very different from my eyes. I am not to the point where I feel constant movement everyday. So, the days that I get nothing, I worry. I am anxious most of the time to use the Doppler because I know the 1st time I can’t get a heartbeat; I am going into MAJOR panic mode. I realize that being a mother is stressful and being pregnant can be difficult. But trust me when I say, being pregnant after a loss is something TOTALLY different.
Someone that I know from High school, but haven’t really spoken too much since (and it’s been almost 11 years) sent me a message on facebook last week. It was really important to me because this person and I were not particularly “close” in high school. I’d say actually, we knew each other-but that was about the extent of it. We had some similar friends but let’s just say, you would not find us in the same social setting probably at any time during high school. I tell you this, because she was telling me about her reading my blog and how it had affected her and a little bit about what she had experienced in the last 10-11 years. She finished by telling me to NEVER apologize for saying how I feel. I read that line over and over again and realized, that is exactly how I have been acting for the last 6-8 months. I realize now that I am already IN that zone-I want to be proper and nice to everyone, but I FEEL like I just really do not CARE if what I say is offensive or hurtful. I don’t really LIKE to be that way-but I feel like I shouldn’t NEED an excuse or shouldn’t have to provide one if I feel like being a total “B” word (like I said earlier).
I know this blog is all over the place-but I’ve had a lot bundled up inside for the last several weeks. I should have known I was getting to this point because I started volunteering for more STUFF that I don’t have time for! =)
Another Joy of a “rainbow” child-
Guess who is NOT buying anything baby?? That would be ME!
I am not picking colors, I am not picking themes, I refuse to look @ baby items and I refuse to talk about a baby shower. I do not want to do ANY of these things until AFTER we are home safe & sound with this child. This might just very well kill me because I am now a planner-I have been a planner most of my adult life. But I simply can’t bring myself to even look @ baby things. When Ian and Owen were born and we knew the outcome, I sent my mom & sister back to my house to get RID of all of the diapers we’d bought, the baby clothes I’d purchased on the day we found out they were boys, etc. I wanted NOTHING baby in my house when I came home. Not one thing.
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