I wonder…
Do you know what it is like to wake up everyday and realize there are 2 pieces of your heart missing?
Today this is my focus.
I am sure a lot of people that read this might actually get tired of hearing it-again, for those of you feeling this way, I urge you-stop reading my blog! =)
I want you to continue reading, because I want you to understand the magnitude that a loss of such capacity can do to a human mind, body & soul, but if you’re truly not interested then please don’t waste your time!
I’ve talked about my friend Kara many times in this blog and on facebook. For a quick recap; she and I were pregnant @ the same time. We met through an online mother of twins group. She lives many states away & we’ve never actually MET! Her boys were born just a few weeks after mine. They were “viable”. For those of you that do not know what that mean (I learned in on June 24th) It means that her children were of the gestational age where they were considered “able to be saved”. Ethan and Elijah were born at a mere 24 weeks and Ethan lived for 5 days (Kara, please correct me if I am wrong here). Elijah is home, I think he’s 7-8 months now and he’s STRIVING and the most beautiful little boy you’ve ever seen. My point to telling you about Kara, is she commented on my blog last night-on face book that is and she justified something for me.
This is what she said
I thought to myself the same thing before, that I can't use my loss as an excuse for the rude and sometimes crude things that come out of my mouth...but at the same time, I'm NOT the same person I was before I lost my son. I'm the type that cannot STAND someone doing or saying things that they shouldn't and no one has the guts to say something besides me. Its a hard one to tame!! As for the conversation at work, gosh I'm SO sorry!!! :( I'm sure he felt crappy too. Hugs.
The part I am talking about is “ I am not the same person I was before I lost my son(s)’.
Man is she right!!!!! You can ask my husband, you can ask our families, our co-workers, and our children. We (my husband, myself and our children) are NOT the same people we were just 228 days ago. (I bet you didn’t know how many days ago it was, Guess what. I DO!)
I remember, everyday when I wake up, today is 228 days, and tomorrow will be 229 days. I am reminded now that we are about 12 days away in this pregnancy to where we were when Ian & Owen were born. Do you think this scares me to death? Would it scare you???
I have changed as a person. I have learned to nurture a little more. I have learned to see smaller things instead of focusing on only the big picture. I’ve learned to care a little bit more about the people in my life that matter to me. Yes, there have certainly been some people in my life that have gone on since losing Ian & Owen and I am not chasing after them. I’ve made myself priority in my life and I’ve made my FAMILY priority. I do not think I am a better person for having survived this-but I do think it puts me in a league that no one else should belong to. If you don’t understand what this means, or you think it sounds selfish, it’s because you have not experienced this type of loss before. Before Ian & Owen, I would have thought this was EXTREMELY selfish!
I can’t think of anything better to describe this than to Imagine carrying your sweet baby for X number of months. Feeling him or her move inside of you, feeling all of the PAINS of pregnancy, the backache, the headaches, the inability to breath, the panic, the worry, etc. Imagine going to the hospital in labor, so excited to finally meet your little bundle of perfection. Imagine going through labor and hearing your baby cry for the first time. Looking down into his or her eyes for the 1st time and feeling this abundance of love that only a parent can feel for their child. Them, imagine in the 3-6 hours that follows, you must tell your child goodbye. You will never get to see them come home from the hospital; they will never get to live in your world. There will never be a “1st” time for them for anything. No 1st words, no 1st sickness, no 1st solid foods.
It’s hard to “imagine” but we did this, TIMES TWO! I do not know if it easier for me or harder for me because I already have 2 children living, so I have a love to compare this to. I KNOW what I am missing by not having Ian & Owen here, because I am fortunate enough to have Isaac & Caleb.
Trust me, I KNOW that I am not the only woman in the world dealing with this-I know I am not the only person that has ever gone through this. I know that my emotions are SO minimal in comparison to others that have dealt with this and even greater situations. I cannot IMAGINE parents who have lost their children as CHILDREN or even as adults. I strongly agree that parents should NEVER outlive their children; I do not care the situation.
I have also grown since all of this happened. It’s amazing how 1 life-changing event can completely change you as a person.
Comments
Post a Comment