"When you hold resentment towards another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link & get free."
I have spent countless hours in the last 8 1/2 months trying to "relive" my entire life to figure out what I possibly could have done to deserve what has happened to my family. I am pretty sure a natural reaction to loss is something close to what I'm doing. I realize that I have not ALWAYS been the easiest person to be around. I honestly didn't realize this until about 3 years ago when I was accidentally in the "wrong place @ the wrong time" and overheard a conversation between family members about my desire to be a "drama queen". I've talked about this in my blog before so I won't get into any details of it again. It wasn't until that point that I realized that some people must view me that way. It forced me to take a hard look @ myself. Of course it made me defend my reason of "drama". But at this point in my life, I was 26-27 years old and had already been through a lot of "traumatic events" in my life. However, none of those moments even come CLOSE to comparing to the trauma I have dealt with now a few years later. Anyway, it did make me realize that while some viewed me as dramatic, I still defended that I am who I am, and this will just have to either be good enough for them, or not good enough for them. This situation has also been something really significant in my life that I have held onto. Still to this day, I am not sure the involved parties even know that I am aware that the conversation took place. I am not even sure how or even IF their feelings have changed. At this point, I can't even seem to muster up the energy to CARE of the opinion has changed because I KNOW that with everything I've dealt with, that my immediate family has gone through, I have to absolutely 100% RIGHT to be a little dramatic here & there.
This whole story brings me to the point of forgiveness. This week alone (along with many others) I have faced many kinds of anger. Anger towards people, anger towards situations, anger at myself & anger at the past.
When Cris and I were driving the other day, we say some teenagers in a parking lot laughing, tickling each other, & chasing each other around. We were at a stop light and I found myself just staring @ them. They weren't being obnoxious in their public display of "lust" for each other or anything, they were simply being teenagers. I snickered and said outloud "ahhhh, the be 17 again". Cris just laughed. Later on that night (and I mean during the middle of the night since neither of us sleep) we found ourselves in a lengthy conversation about what the last 10 years has done to us. By US I mean, Cris and I as a couple, Cris and I as individuals, and Cris and I as parents. Now, I do have a sense of privacy when it comes to my family and to Cris and I in our marraige. The outcome basically was that we have really really changed. We together have become super strong as a marital unit. THe odds certainly were stacked up against us being married @ 19 & being pregnant with Isaac at our high school graduation. We can sit back now almost 10 years later and laugh that we really didn't know each other all that well. We did in some ways, but in others, we really didn't. As a family, we are stronger. We have viewed our children in many different ways, but now more than ever, it is so hard to look @ them as anything less than beautiful miracle angels. Now that we know what we know that is. Not that they AREN'T wonderful beautiful angels, but it's so easy to just take so many things for granted. As individuals, we both have changed so much! We are both miserably bitter people now. But we are both so much more aware of others feelings. We are so much more aware of others shortcomings and we are so much more aware of each other. Our desire to be together and get through these hard times TOGETHER has become one that is unstoppable. Better or worse, right? I think we've been through worse, so when can we get to the better??
I on one hand am having a very difficult time with the "forgiveness" part of being an adult. I realize we are to not be bitter people. I was raised to forgive and forget. In all that has hardened my heart, I feel incapable of forgiveness. I am holding on to so many things in my life that are keeping me from moving on. THis is something I have to set forth as a goal for myself. I need to forgive the things i can't control. I need to forgive even when forgiveness is not asked. I need to stop being so bitter about the direction my life has taken because I KNOW that there are so many out there that my issues can not even COMPARE to. So yes, while I can be a drama queen, and yes, I can be selfish, I know this and I won't apologize. I feel that I have the right to be who I am and family or not, you can love me or hate me. I am OK with either. I will continue trying to love as unconditionally as possible. I will try to be the wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, daughter in law and sister in law that my family deserves. I know that I am who I am because of ALL of the things that have happened in my life. But Ahhh, to be 17 again. WHen I thought I knew everything and my parents knew nothing. Where i thought my life would just "make itself" and all I had to do was live in it. The times where I truly believed the worst things in my life were being late to school because I was on the phone all night with a boy. Where it was the end of the world when my parents wouldn't let me stay out past 10pm. Now, as I sit here, facing quit possibly the worst thing a mothers heart can feel, I just wish to "BE" 17 again. Not really to go back in time, but to have that "carefree" feeling in life. To be able to FORGIVE the silly things in life. Maybe one day, I can find forgiveness in my heart for the things that really shouldnt matter. Maybe I can forgive myself for whatever it is I've done....
I have spent countless hours in the last 8 1/2 months trying to "relive" my entire life to figure out what I possibly could have done to deserve what has happened to my family. I am pretty sure a natural reaction to loss is something close to what I'm doing. I realize that I have not ALWAYS been the easiest person to be around. I honestly didn't realize this until about 3 years ago when I was accidentally in the "wrong place @ the wrong time" and overheard a conversation between family members about my desire to be a "drama queen". I've talked about this in my blog before so I won't get into any details of it again. It wasn't until that point that I realized that some people must view me that way. It forced me to take a hard look @ myself. Of course it made me defend my reason of "drama". But at this point in my life, I was 26-27 years old and had already been through a lot of "traumatic events" in my life. However, none of those moments even come CLOSE to comparing to the trauma I have dealt with now a few years later. Anyway, it did make me realize that while some viewed me as dramatic, I still defended that I am who I am, and this will just have to either be good enough for them, or not good enough for them. This situation has also been something really significant in my life that I have held onto. Still to this day, I am not sure the involved parties even know that I am aware that the conversation took place. I am not even sure how or even IF their feelings have changed. At this point, I can't even seem to muster up the energy to CARE of the opinion has changed because I KNOW that with everything I've dealt with, that my immediate family has gone through, I have to absolutely 100% RIGHT to be a little dramatic here & there.
This whole story brings me to the point of forgiveness. This week alone (along with many others) I have faced many kinds of anger. Anger towards people, anger towards situations, anger at myself & anger at the past.
When Cris and I were driving the other day, we say some teenagers in a parking lot laughing, tickling each other, & chasing each other around. We were at a stop light and I found myself just staring @ them. They weren't being obnoxious in their public display of "lust" for each other or anything, they were simply being teenagers. I snickered and said outloud "ahhhh, the be 17 again". Cris just laughed. Later on that night (and I mean during the middle of the night since neither of us sleep) we found ourselves in a lengthy conversation about what the last 10 years has done to us. By US I mean, Cris and I as a couple, Cris and I as individuals, and Cris and I as parents. Now, I do have a sense of privacy when it comes to my family and to Cris and I in our marraige. The outcome basically was that we have really really changed. We together have become super strong as a marital unit. THe odds certainly were stacked up against us being married @ 19 & being pregnant with Isaac at our high school graduation. We can sit back now almost 10 years later and laugh that we really didn't know each other all that well. We did in some ways, but in others, we really didn't. As a family, we are stronger. We have viewed our children in many different ways, but now more than ever, it is so hard to look @ them as anything less than beautiful miracle angels. Now that we know what we know that is. Not that they AREN'T wonderful beautiful angels, but it's so easy to just take so many things for granted. As individuals, we both have changed so much! We are both miserably bitter people now. But we are both so much more aware of others feelings. We are so much more aware of others shortcomings and we are so much more aware of each other. Our desire to be together and get through these hard times TOGETHER has become one that is unstoppable. Better or worse, right? I think we've been through worse, so when can we get to the better??
I on one hand am having a very difficult time with the "forgiveness" part of being an adult. I realize we are to not be bitter people. I was raised to forgive and forget. In all that has hardened my heart, I feel incapable of forgiveness. I am holding on to so many things in my life that are keeping me from moving on. THis is something I have to set forth as a goal for myself. I need to forgive the things i can't control. I need to forgive even when forgiveness is not asked. I need to stop being so bitter about the direction my life has taken because I KNOW that there are so many out there that my issues can not even COMPARE to. So yes, while I can be a drama queen, and yes, I can be selfish, I know this and I won't apologize. I feel that I have the right to be who I am and family or not, you can love me or hate me. I am OK with either. I will continue trying to love as unconditionally as possible. I will try to be the wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, daughter in law and sister in law that my family deserves. I know that I am who I am because of ALL of the things that have happened in my life. But Ahhh, to be 17 again. WHen I thought I knew everything and my parents knew nothing. Where i thought my life would just "make itself" and all I had to do was live in it. The times where I truly believed the worst things in my life were being late to school because I was on the phone all night with a boy. Where it was the end of the world when my parents wouldn't let me stay out past 10pm. Now, as I sit here, facing quit possibly the worst thing a mothers heart can feel, I just wish to "BE" 17 again. Not really to go back in time, but to have that "carefree" feeling in life. To be able to FORGIVE the silly things in life. Maybe one day, I can find forgiveness in my heart for the things that really shouldnt matter. Maybe I can forgive myself for whatever it is I've done....
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