Follow-up on my doctors appointment today-
The long & short of it-No more babies in our future....ever.
My doctor is wonderful. She set aside enough time for my appointment today to just sit in front of me, eye to eye and have a conversation with me. Asking me how I am feeling about things, telling me how sorry she was and how she was trying to figure out in the course of my care if there was something she missed, or could have done. There obviously was absolutely nothing that could have been done differently, but it was nice to hear the genuine and sincere concern from my doctor. She is truly a very sincere person and I couldn't have asked for better care during all of the pregnancies they have handled with me. This included Caleb, Ian, Owen & Maddox.
So, it's been 14 days since Maddoxs' birthday. I stayed OH SO ON PURPOSE busy today. I slept until it was time to go to my appointment. THen I went to lunch with mom, to the pet store with mom and then to the grocery store. I decided while walking through the store that I felt like I needed to go spend time with Ian & Owen. I grabbed some flowers and headed to their grave. I came home in just enough time to unload groceries and grab Shelby and go get the boys from school. We took Shelby to the park for a little bit and then home to make dinner. After dinner I came up with all sorts of recipes to make and I started making stuff.
While I was sitting @ their grave today, all of these crazy emotions came flooding to me. There is still fresh red clay around their graveside. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I am 2 weeks into mourning the loss of my 3rd son and there is still fresh clay surrounding my twins. It's so weird because on March 7th 2011, we found out we were having twins. Coincidentally, Cris' birthday! I tried not to think about it yesterday, that it was one year ago that all of this started. Well, sort-of. This time 1 year ago I could not have come CLOSE to imaginging what I would be going through in the coming months.
I was looking online today on a blog that I read daily. This was posted and I wanted to share because so many of these words are so true you can't imagine
One thing I've really had to struggle with-is that even just TWO WEEKS after Maddox has come and passed away, I am still left to find the pieces to pick up. Everyone else's life has pretty much gone back to normal. Not that it shouldn't...but the mother of a lost child can't just "go back to normal". For the rest of my LIFE I will be am empty shell. My heard died in June with Ian & Owen. Then it died again 2 weeks ago with Maddox.
I sat there on the grass today just staring @ the boys names on their marker and just longed for some normal back in my life. My heart is so empty. My emotions are so raw. My anger is so strong. I am just a shell of a person. I am broken.
The long & short of it-No more babies in our future....ever.
My doctor is wonderful. She set aside enough time for my appointment today to just sit in front of me, eye to eye and have a conversation with me. Asking me how I am feeling about things, telling me how sorry she was and how she was trying to figure out in the course of my care if there was something she missed, or could have done. There obviously was absolutely nothing that could have been done differently, but it was nice to hear the genuine and sincere concern from my doctor. She is truly a very sincere person and I couldn't have asked for better care during all of the pregnancies they have handled with me. This included Caleb, Ian, Owen & Maddox.
So, it's been 14 days since Maddoxs' birthday. I stayed OH SO ON PURPOSE busy today. I slept until it was time to go to my appointment. THen I went to lunch with mom, to the pet store with mom and then to the grocery store. I decided while walking through the store that I felt like I needed to go spend time with Ian & Owen. I grabbed some flowers and headed to their grave. I came home in just enough time to unload groceries and grab Shelby and go get the boys from school. We took Shelby to the park for a little bit and then home to make dinner. After dinner I came up with all sorts of recipes to make and I started making stuff.
While I was sitting @ their grave today, all of these crazy emotions came flooding to me. There is still fresh red clay around their graveside. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I am 2 weeks into mourning the loss of my 3rd son and there is still fresh clay surrounding my twins. It's so weird because on March 7th 2011, we found out we were having twins. Coincidentally, Cris' birthday! I tried not to think about it yesterday, that it was one year ago that all of this started. Well, sort-of. This time 1 year ago I could not have come CLOSE to imaginging what I would be going through in the coming months.
I was looking online today on a blog that I read daily. This was posted and I wanted to share because so many of these words are so true you can't imagine
Wednesday's Woe
~Death Changes Everything~
Poem by TeriAnn Sargent
So many lonely nights just struggling to survive
death takes you to places you've never been...
It destroys all your plans and dreams
it takes away your reason for seeking joy
your reason for believing in the future
Years may roll by...
but never a time will come
for your heart to heal and move on...
Death chains what is left of your heart
to that one single moment in time
...and it never lets go
Death steals away a love
you just can't live without
leaves an empty parody
of what you used to be...
Your body lives in the physical realm
but your heart and soul are lost
to another time and place
It's not about the love you still have
for that is cherished as it always was...
It's about the life that is gone
the part of yourself
you have to exist without
when death steals your child it also steals...
a brother or sister
an uncle or aunty
a nephew or niece
a grandson or granddaughter
a cousin
a Godfather or Godmother
a friend
a colleague
a son or daughter-in-law
your future grandchildren
Death steals whole futures
and leaves you with only the past
Pictures and objects
and love in your heart...
Memories to treasure
from which you'll never part
All these...
for long lonely years
you have to make last
One thing I've really had to struggle with-is that even just TWO WEEKS after Maddox has come and passed away, I am still left to find the pieces to pick up. Everyone else's life has pretty much gone back to normal. Not that it shouldn't...but the mother of a lost child can't just "go back to normal". For the rest of my LIFE I will be am empty shell. My heard died in June with Ian & Owen. Then it died again 2 weeks ago with Maddox.
I sat there on the grass today just staring @ the boys names on their marker and just longed for some normal back in my life. My heart is so empty. My emotions are so raw. My anger is so strong. I am just a shell of a person. I am broken.
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